what's my secret? I have cancer.

This is the first time I've gotten "dressed" in almost a month, with wig and false eyelashes to boot. Everything looks rather boring, though, same old, same old. All of my vintage dresses are in storage. What can I possibly do to spice things up?



Faux fur gorilla coat, natch!! Sacramento may be boring, but its thrift stores are most certainly not.

So here it is, proof that radiation and 11+ chemos don't have to get you down. At least, not all of the time.

why yes, i have lost my mind

But I think I look very cute in my new pink cowboy hat (I am told that it's the same one that Julia Roberts wore in Runaway Bride - except hers wasn't pink). It's also really, really comfortable and it makes me happy. So there.

Thanks to Debbie from Journey Bags for taking the photo and emailing it to me. She asked me to let you all know that if you use Promotional Code 1208 when ordering from her site, you can get 10% off.

I think my hat is very Texas. And cheaper than new cowboy boots. And since I passed on the opportunity to go to a real cowboy bar and ride the mechanical bull, I thought I should bring home a little bit of the Lonestar State.

normal times

I will be in SF tomorrow through monday to take a break from being "sick" and to pick up my scooter. I'll mostly be laying low with Taylor because I'm still feeling icky from chemo, but if you have time for a cup of coffee, I'd be up for it!

call or text me

random travel observations

I decided when I was on my walk around the hotel grounds this morning that the complaining I did earlier made me sound very spoiled. The truth is that this venue seems pretty ideal for a conference and I am extremely lucky to be here (and I mean that in so many ways). It would be great if it didn't cost $3.25US for a coffee but it is what it is. And I am assuming there will be free coffee once the conference starts in earnest.

Yesterday was a very long travel day. I miscalculated and finished my book way too early in the trip. As a result, my notebook is filled with random observations I made as I sought to fill the time:

I always feel nervous and guilty when I go through security, immigration or customs. I feel like I am going to be "caught." This is ridiculous since I never lie in these situations or smuggle.

There are signs up at US Immigration stating that all travellers will have their hands scanned and photos taken. I only saw this happen to one person. He was an older white guy so not sure if this was random or some new kind of profiling I've never heard about.

You wouldn't know that the North American economy is in crisis, judging by the number of people who are travelling. Both my flights were full, with long standby lists.

My flight out of Chicago was delayed because the plane was struck by lightning. Folks were very upset but I kind of felt that I would rather have a safe plane than one that left on time.

I have never had a sandwich in an airport that didn't taste like cardboard.

One woman seemed to think that the airport was a great place to find a boy friend. In the waiting area in Chicago, I overheard the following conversation:

40ish Blonde Woman (flirtatiously): "Watcha readin?"

Attractive 50 something man: Mumbled title.

Woman: "Is it a Christian book?"

Man: "I suppose it is."

Woman: "That's what I had heard about it."

Man: Silence.

Woman: "You seem really interested. You just keep writing things down."

Man: "Just noting some things."

Pause.

Woman: "Do you live in Dallas?"

Man: Silence.

Woman: Launches into detailed explanation of where she lives. Mortified I get up and leave.

Some time later, after we change gates, I see them again. She is calling out to him, "Don't go away! I'm a catch!"

A few minutes later, she has moved on to another man. From across the waiting room I can hear her talking about going to church.

So - was she prosletyzing or cruising? Or both?

When I am desperate enough, I will read anything. Apparently this includes the in-flight magazine (this month's issue features the NBA) and something called Skymall. I found myself coveting this and this and thinking this was kind of gross. And then I felt guilty that I don't have anything like this to protect my neighbours from my unsightly air conditioner (but what would protect them from all the unsightly dog poo in my yard?). I could go on and on. And the prose in the catalogue was fantastic.

I was too shy to talk to two women I saw at the Chicago end of my flight who I guessed were going to the conference. I redeemed myself by greeting them as we waited for our bags in Dallas. They told me that they have been coming to this conference for six years. They promised me that I was going to have a wonderful time. They also told me that they are expecting 1,000 participants this year. Wow.

The "Networking Opportunity" I mentioned in a previous post is happening now. Time to take a deep breath, gather up my leis and head on down.

classified

I'm green and orange. As with previous events of this nature, I like to identify others who know what it's like to live with mets. I am also acutely conscious that wearing the orange may be every participant's worse nightmare.

The Holding pattern cont....

The holding pattern continues, I am not worried or stress if Jack (the spot) turnout to be Jackass that is cancer it will be dealt with. A recurrence would not scare me as it was a known possibility going into this process, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. After dealing with .....OLOGIST and ....IALIST out the Yazoo you learn how to sit through anything you learn how to wait.

suitcase stowaway

I am in Dallas (or somewhere on the edge of Dallas with only highway and hotels as far as the eye can see. The hotel claims to have seven acres of "park" with walking trails that I have yet to find or check out. Given that the restaurant with the "open air ambiance" is actually in a roped off area of an indoor courtyard and the spa and gym are in a separate building and charge a membership fee, I am prepared to be disappointed). This hotel is huge.

Please note the little friend that I found when I opened my suitcase. He's half of a pair of "sweater monsters" that were given to me by a dear friend. I think D. decided that I might be lonely on my trip. How thoughtful was that?

I am off to find coffee and breakfast. I've been up since 6.

It took a lot out of me when she took a bit out of me

It never ever ends.
I had some spotting (not on my face) in late December and early January, and since that can be a sign of uterine or endometrial cancer, and because those cancers can be caused by tamoxifen, which I'm taking, I knew I needed to see a gynecologist. I have the Boyish Gyne, who felt my breast lump and said it was nothing, and never apologized for missing the cancer, and I never meant to have a male gyne, so I wanted a female. Long story short, I googled Breast Cancer, Menopause and Chicago, and found Dr. K, called her office last week, and got an appointment last Friday. (Don't ask why I waited until late February to take care of this. It was just one of those things.) Today I went to have her take out some of my endometrium lining to have it checked. She said I might want to take a Valium, which I did. Still it was uncomfortable. L came with me and I held his hand while Dr. K did her work, which included probing around with what she called a French Tickler. I think that is not its patented name. She said it was hard to get the cells, which was a good sign. If it was cancer, there would be lots and lots of tissue. So that's good. She calls with the results on Thursday.

I told her that I just found a web site on which a young woman is posting photos of her cervix. http://www.beautifulcervix.com/photos-of-cervix/
The doctor thought that was strange. She said once she had a patient, who had psychiatric problems, who was waiting for her, with her own speculum already inserted.

I don't see anything wildly strange about that. I always meant to go to one of those gatherings where you buy a speculum and borrow a mirror and look inside yourself.
But I never did.

Afterward the gyne we went to see B, who is in a rehab hospital after having a pump implanted that will send out liquid to lessen the pain in his legs. At least that's the idea. B is getting occupational and physical therapy, and I think that's very good. Still his legs hurt. Arthritis in the joints, they tell him. He's reading
Rachel Shukert's Have You No Shame?, which I brought him. I read aloud from it the other night and B, L, and I laughed until we couldn't speak any more. This afternoon L the girl was visiting B, and asked if a non-Jew would think the book was funny. I recounted some of it: that when she's eight or nine, in the 1990s in Omaha, she would make lists: People who would hide us from the Nazis. Her mother gets into the act and makes her opinion known. ("'The Nagels?' she shrieked. 'Are you kidding me? The Nagels would own slaves if they could.'") I told L that a non-Jew who knows Jews and lives in an urban area would get the book.

Valium is a powerful drug. I felt woozy for about five hours. I can't believe housewives were on this. How did they function? (Not very well.)

Here is a picture from the cervix project, bringing introspection to a whole new level:

Why does it gross me out? Even if I didn't know what it was, I would feel disgusted. I'm supposed to embrace my innards but this exposed cervix is so tonsilly, so pink and gooshy looking I want to gag. But why? It looks like raw meat torn of its skin and fur. It looks like it shouldn't be out in the world. And it isn't; it's in.

Where's Georgia O'Keeffe when we need her?

New Arrivals

1. Ommegang Biere De Mars-Amber ale with brettanomyces. Haven't tried it yet, but it seems to be packed with yeast. Lots of floaty bits.

2.Eel River Acai Berry Wheat

3. Marin Brewing Company "Star Brew" Wheat Wine-For those of you who have never tried a wheat wine, you're missing out. It's a seasonal style, brewed by very few producers for only a limited time. This one is a great example of the style. Pick one up!

cheers,

dave

This Time's a Charm Book Stop #10

My blog today is the 10th stop for the blog book tour of This Time's a Charm: Lessons of a Four Time Cancer Survivor, written by Don Wilhelm. The book chronicles Don's battle with lymphoma...a long and difficult journey over several years. His journey has included several remissions that he says in the end were "intermissions" as his cancer has recurred multiple times. At the time his book was published, he had survived 4 recurrences. He is now currently out of remission again and facing his 5th battle with lymphoma.

I've read several books written by cancer survivors, and Don's book was one of the better ones. It was personal, inspiring and easy to read; I finished it in one day. What I enjoy about reading books written by other survivors is that they validate our own experience, they make us feel less alone, more understood. Don's book does all of those things.

In This Time's a Charm we travel with Don through the shock of his diagnosis, his search for an oncologist willing to be a team player, his research into his disease, his experiences with testing, chemotherapy, radiation and even a stem cell transplant as he's battled multiple recurrences...Don's been through it all.

Don has faced what all of us fear, a recurrence, multiple times. At one point he said that "not 10 seconds went by any day that I didn't think about it and worry that my cancer was coming back". Much of his book chronicles the emotional impact cancer has had on his life, and his learning to live with the uncertainty we all face. He talks about spending the summer after his transplant living what many of us do at some point, a "short term life". His was a phase of "gluttony, irresponsibility and disregard for the future". But he grows through this phase and many others to acheive a full and rich life in spite of and often with cancer.

Don's story is the courageous and inspiring story of a man living for years through a life interrupted frequently by cancer recurrences...a man who chose to explore, to grow and most of all to LIVE. Definitely recommended reading for anyone struggling with a cancer diagnosis.

First Soccer Practice

Still I wait no news about Jack (the spot).

On a brighter spot today was Ravyn's first soccer practice, I think she is the youngest one on the field and the only one who hasn't played yet. She did pretty well, when she wasn't calling for mommy, and running over to us thinking she needed more Gatorade (it was her first practice she will get better, she will have to gain more independence and know we support her even if we aren't standing right beside her.).

About AML and CML

1) First Genome-Wide Expression Analysis Yields Better Understanding of Leukemia, News Release, University of Rochester Medical Center, February 10, 2009.

Genome-wide leukemia analysis completed, UPI Science News, February 11, 2009.

These news items are about the article: Dysregulated gene expression networks in human acute myelogenous leukemia stem cells by Ravindra Majeti and 9 co-authors, including Michael W Becker, Leroy Hood, Michael F Clarke and Irving L Weissman, Proc Natl Acad Sci USA 2009(Feb 13) [Epub ahead of print][PubMed Citation][Version in PMC].

2) Scientists Uncover indicator that Warns leukemia is Progressing to more dangerous form by Steve Benowitz, News Release, UC San Diego News Center, February 17, 2009.

This news release is about the article: Glycogen synthase kinase 3{beta} missplicing contributes to leukemia stem cell generation by Annelie E Abrahamsson and 15 co-authors, including Armand Keating, Robert S Negrin, Irving L Weissman and Catriona H M Jamieson, Proc Natl Acad Sci USA 2009(Feb 23) [Epub ahead of print][PubMed Citation][Full text PDF].

art ADD

I've been suffering from fever and malaise since chemo on Monday, but I did manage to frame a couple of anatomy prints. Amazing what some black spraypaint can do, yah?



I think some sort of composite print of different body parts might look nice on silk chiffon. Maybe just veins in different colors, winding up like vines. I don't know what it is with me and guts on chiffon.

3 more chemos to go. I'm just wading through the storm at this point.

A votre santé?

Choose your poison. A new study of more than a million British women indicates that if you have one alcoholic drink a day, you're more likely to get breast, liver and rectum cancers. Of course, a drink a day is good for your heart. But your healthy heart won't be pumping much if the rest of your body has died of cancer.

One theory for the alcohol-to-breast-cancer link is that the alcohol boosts estrogen levels.

On the other hand, two years ago the California Pacific Medical Center Research Institute found that a component of cannibis sativa can help stop breast-cancer metastasis.

Don't look for any million-women studies on that any time soon, though.

Here's the link to an article on the British study: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/24/AR2009022402361_pf.html
And on the marijuana study: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/11/071123211703.htm
For some reason, my hot links tool isn't working.

random observations

observation #1: I am getting dumber and my kids are getting smarter.

My youngest son is undergoing some tests with a psychologist as part of an educational assessment. After his session, the psychologist showed us some of the non-verbal test questions, which involved pattern recognition. D. picked out the illustrations that fit the sequence in split seconds. I asked if he had seen these particular questions before. He hadn't. He's just quick and very, very bright.

The thing is that he answered these questions much more quickly than I could have, selecting the right answer while I was still puzzling it out.

observation #2: I derive almost as much satisfaction from making lists as I do getting things done.

I am going away tomorrow morning (I got a scholarship to attend the Annual Conference for Young Women Affected By Breast Cancer, in Dallas) for a few days. I spent a good part of the morning making a list of everything I need to get done. I love lists. Having several (what to bring in my carry on, what to pack and what I need to do before I go) has made me feel much almost as though my work is done.

observation #3: I am very anxious about attending a conference where I will know no one.

The truth is that I would rather speak in front of 1000 people than meet 100 people one at a time. The words "networking opportunity" scare me. I have been reminding myself that I need to have an open and friendly demeanor and that it's OK to bail and go to my room when it all gets to be too much.

observation #4: Having worked in communications does not make it easier to promote my own work.

I would rather sell a message or promote someone else then sell myself. I have had the same business cards (lovely ones that my older son made for me) for a year and have yet to make much of a dent in them. I am bringing flyers advertising my book, though and will at least put them on tables, even if I don't have the courage to talk about it.

observation #5: I get very excited at having time to myself and tend to over-estimate what I will have the time to do.

The weather will be warm in Dallas. And my hotel (we got great discounted conference rates) is far from anything touristy to do. It does have nice grounds, a nice gym, several pools and an outdoor restaurant, so I plan to pretend that I am at the spa in the hours before the conference starts. I am bringing knitting, books and workout gear. Lots of all of it.

observation #6: Homeland Security is going to have a field day with my suitcase.

Circular knitting needles (joined by flexible cables), pins (for blocking or shaping finished scarves on my extra bed) and a bottle of hair mousse. I might as well paste a sign on my suitcase that says "suspicious contents!". The Yarn Harlot says that her suitcase is opened and checked every time she goes to the States. Mine was only opened the one time I packed knitting in my suitcase. I think knitting needles look suspicious on x-rays.

Off to make some tick marks in my to-do list now.

I may blog while I'm away, if I can find free wireless in the hotel lobby. Can someone tell me why the cheap chains give you free wireless but the fancy hotels charge extortionate rates for slow access?

Give me some news Already

No news yet on JACK.

Back to work today.

My IV site looks bad, like I took a line drive off my arm (note: a bruise like this on my arm means I kept the ball in front of me).

My Neck, My Back

STAYING HOME TODAY, feeling bad and don't want to be renarcotized (a new word I learned from one of the radiology nurses he explained that being renarcotized is simply getting remedicated after a procedure by medication that has been absorbed in the bodies fatty tissue thus not being used during the procedure but released into the body later AT THE WRONG TIME).

OoohhWee, my neck hurts, my back hurts, my arm looks bad at from the IV site.



My neck hurts probably from the way I had to hold my head during the procedure; it kind or reminds me of how your neck bothers you at the beginning of any football season regardless of what level you are playing on. For the first two weeks of contact your neck along with other body parts are going to be sore.


The biopsy site is a little sore, my neck and arm bother me more.



The IV was only in my arm for 5 hours, it was sugar water and only ran for about an hour during the biopsy.

2009 Fort Worth Stock Show & Rodeo

Having fun at the Stock Show this year since the weather was nice.

women with real influence

My youngest son came to see me in the kitchen this morning, while I was making school lunches (By the way, has there ever been a more thankless task in the history of parenting? I don't thinks so).

Me: "Your face is so clean! Great job!"

D.: "I washed my face!" (He shows me how he did it, miming vigorous rubbing.)

Me: "That's great!"

D.: "And I brushed my teeth. And I even flossed." (He mimes brushing and flossing.)

Me (impressed): "That is amazing. You are awesome."

D.: "I did it because at day care we are learning about the importance of good hygiene."

They have good teachers at the day care. And, apparently, their words carry more weight than mine do. Maybe I could ask them to talk about "the importance of being polite to his parents" or "the importance of cleaning up his toys."

biopsy Today

I had my biopsy today, a large needle was inserted into my back to extract a sample from JACK the Spot on my right lung. The procedure was complicated due to the size of JACK the Radiologist that performed the procedure was aided by a CT machine, I was awake during the whole procedure as I had to control my breathing so the doc. could access JACK (a spot on the lungs is a moving target).

I hope to get some sort of feedback in a week, I am not too sore right now, but I think my back will be hurting more in the morn. Judging by where the needle was inserted to do a wedge resection they are going to have to break some ribs in the middle of my rib cage; entering from the back.

Dental drama

WCK had her first dentist appointment of her life this morning. I admit I was a little bit nervous about how it was going to go, but lately she has been getting through haircuts and doctor visits -- even flu shots -- like a champ, so I figured it would be OK in the end.

Oh, I am a naive mother.

We spent a few days preparing, being all happy and breezy about how great it would be at the dentist's office. We went to the dentist's web site and looked at photos of the office and talked about everything that would happen there. She'd even been playing "dentist" with her dinosaurs. One dinosaur would be the patient, one would be the dentist, and one would be the hygienist. I figured that since she knew and could pronounce the word "hygienist" that we'd be OK.

Again, naive.

WCK was perfectly fine ... until the hygienist suggested that she sit in the chair. What happened was so traumatic that I can't bear to recount it in words. Instead I will use photos.

WCK before being asked to sit in the chair:




WCK after being asked to sit in the chair:

Once the dust cleared, however, her teeth were sparkling clean and I was told she has healthy teeth and no cavities. They allowed us to make another appointment in six months, although I'm guessing they're going to stock up on holy water before they allow us into the building again. Also, I'm pretty sure the hygienist is re-thinking her career choice or, at the very least, having a nice stiff drink after work. I know I could use one.

Lazy Sunday

Lazy today, as I get ready for my needle biopsy on Monday at the SPA. I am going to pack a bag and leave it in the car just in case those performing the biopsy enjoy my company so much that they decide to accidentally puncture my lung and cause me to stay in the hospital for a few days.

William Brand

Everyone should have a drink for William Brand today. He was a great beer writer, and a friend of Healthy Spirits. He will be missed.

SAN FRANCISCO — William Brand, a longtime reporter for the Oakland Tribune, died early Friday as a result of injuries suffered in a Muni train incident in San Francisco Feb. 8. He was 70.Brand died at San Francisco General Hospital, surrounded by family and friends, according to a friend of the family.A recently retired reporter, Brand was walking near Second and King streets around 9:10 p.m. Feb. 8 when he was hit by oncoming N-Judah train, SF police said.Brand was knocked into a nearby pole by the impact, police Inspector Dean Taylor said.The investigation is continuing, but it appears to have been an accident, Taylor said.Brand retired from regular news gathering at the Tribune in November after 27 years at the paper. He continued to write a well-read beer blog titled “What’s On Tap.”The night he was struck by the train, Brand was returning from the 21st Amendment Brewery on Second Street where he had attended a food and beer pairing event he was writing about for his blog.A memorial service is planned and details will be announced later today, a friend said.

Sugar, sugar

I swear that most of the time we try to make sure WCK eats a healthy diet. We really do. Today, though, was like the Perfect Storm, and she ended up eating her weight in sugar. This morning, Jay took her out to Caribou Coffee (or as WCK calls it, "Daddy Coffee". I agree that they might as well name it after him since his coffee habits are pretty much putting all of the employees' kids through college). She had a doughnut at Daddy Coffee. I guess I should have realized she had sweets at Daddy Coffee, but I didn't think about it much when I took her to a birthday party in the afternoon, and she had ice cream, cake, and a juice box.

I didn't really give the details of the party food to Jay, who then took her out to a Daddy-Daughter Dance at a local community center. There, she had more cupcakes and, Jay estimates, about four or five glasses of lemonade.

By 9 p.m. tonight, she thought she was a hummingbird.

something strange for your Sunday

"The most celebrated body of work by Lam Qua is the impressive collection of portraits, commissioned by Peter Parker in the 1830's, of patients at the Canton Hospital with large tumors or other major deformities. These startling and somewhat gruesome paintings of pathological subject matter are unsettling to the viewer. One of the most noticeable aspects of each portrait is the expressionless look on the subjects' face. The lack of emotion turns the viewer's eye from the subjects' face to their pathology, or illness. Each subject appears to express neither pain nor sadness and serves as a testament to the human spirit in the face of physical adversity."

You can browse the collection here.

A little Francis Bacon-esque, no?

The placid expressions are not so much a "testament to the human spirit" as they are just inadvertently creepy...

NEW ARRIVAL: NEW BELGIUM "LIPS OF FAITH" DARK KRIEK

The newest small batch LIPS OF FAITH release from New Belgium has arrived.

This is from the same series as the coveted LA FOLIE, so grab it while you still can! Come and get it!

dave

when life gives you lemons

A couple of weeks ago (has it really been that long?), Nonlinear Girl, presented me (and a few other bloggers with the Lemonade Award.

What it's supposed to mean is that the recipients have been handed some lemons by life and have gone on to make lemonade. I love Nonlinear Girl's blog. I met her at BlogHer last year and have been reading ever since. She seems like someone I would hang out with if we lived closer to each other (she's in Portland and I'm in Ottawa), except that she's smarter and more talented than I am.

She's also expecting twins in a month or two. I am thrilled for her and in awe.

But back to the award. Recipients are supposed to tag ten other bloggers but I think I am going to follow Nonlinear Girl's lead and just choose a few bloggers I like, who write bravely, humourously and well about their lives and the obstacles they have had to overcome. There is no pressure on any of them to pass this on, I just enjoy them and think you will too.

So the award goes to:

Lene

Princess TinyButt

Sara

The Maven

NEW ARRIVAL: FRED FROM THE WOOD

Fred from the Wood 2008 is here. Quantities are limited.
I hate to tell people this up front, but it will be in March's
Beer of the Month. This is a great beer that everyone should be excited to try.

cheers,

dave

Is stress a risk factor for cancer?

bigger than the beatles

So Barack Obama is in my town as I write this. He has had a meeting with the Prime Minister, some lunch and then they took him for a beaver tail (deep-fried flat pastries) in the market.

Why am I embarrassed by this?

I can't help but think, though, that he would have enjoyed the beaver tail more if had gone skating first.

I hope he was advised to have the Killaloe Sunshine and not the Nutella.

Traffic in my neighbourhood is a mess right now, as I live on the way to the airport. I really pity anyone who had a commercial flight out of the city today.

More on financial outlook for CIRM

CIRM Touts Its Financial Outlook by David Jensen, California Stem Cell Report, February 17, 2009. Excerpts:

CIRM has officially but quietly announced that it hopes to raise $400 million through 2010 by selling California state bonds privately, a task never before achieved in state history.

The information on the private placement goal was posted Friday on the CIRM web site with virtually no notice or fanfare. ...

.....

While the agency is now about seven months away from running out of cash, the Friday item has a positive headline, "CIRM's Financial Commitments Are Secure." The language is tailored to reassure grant applicants, especially those applying for the $210 million disease team RFA that was also posted on Friday.

[For information about the Disease Team RFA, see this previous post: CSCC and CIRM announce a Collaborative Funding Partner Program, February 15, 2009].

asymmetry at the songbird branch

I have a post up at The Songbird Branch (a blog started by the brilliant Jacqueline) about my attempt to knit an asymmetrical sweater for my asymmetrical body.

Go check it out and the really beautiful items that have been found and made for the post-mastectomy body.

book review: "the widows of eastwick"*

I have a confession to make. Before The Widows of Eastwick, I had never read anything by John Updike (although, I did see the movie version of The Witches of Eastwick, which is sort of a prequel to this one. I'm not sure how faithful the movie was to the book. Given Hollywood's track record in this regard, I imagine the book and the movie were fairly different).

The Widows of Eastwick, picks up some 30 years after The Witches. As the title suggests, the three witches find themselves widowed, reconnect with each other and (after doing some travelling together) return to the earlier scene of their crimes. The mansion in which they partied as younger women has been turned into condos and they decide to rent one for the summer.

None of these women is very likeable, nor did I find it easy to relate to any of them (not sure if this was in part because I am so much younger - although I have read and enjoyed books with much older protagonists before). I did very much enjoy the writing, although I found that the dialogue was more an opportunity for the women to pronounce on the world, as opposed to really engaging with each other:

Jane looked aged in the harsh desert light, shrunken. Blue veins writhed on the backs of her hands. "There's this stink to the past," she said, "of magic that stopped working. It never really did work, of course. Just gave the priests more power than was good for them."

"If they believed it worked, maybe it did. It made them less anxious. As I remember us in Eastwick, we used to believe that there was an old religion, before men came in and took it over just as they took over midwifing and haute couture. It was a nature religion that never died - women carried it on even when they were tortured and killed."

The book is less about what is happening in the present and more about looking back to the past. The women are motivated by a desire to make amends for their crimes (causing the death, through witchcraft of a rival and of some other people who appear to have been thorns in their sides) and to relive their wild and powerful youth. The whole thing feels more like a padded short story than a full length novel. Some interesting things do happen but I found it hard to feel too interested.

As I was reading this book, I learned that Updike had died. I feel a bit guilty that I can't write a more positive review. I am very confident that this, the last of his novels, was not his best work by any stretch of the imagination. And perhaps I would be feeling less critical if I had read and enjoyed The Witches before reading this one.

Updike must have been grappling with cancer as he wrote this book and there is lots of talk of cancer throughout. The women killed their rival by giving her ovarian cancer and Alexa (one of the witches - the one played by Cher in the movie, I think) is obsessed with cancer.

I didn't hate this book. I just didn't really like it. I was expecting so much more.

Any Updike fans out there? How does this book compare to his other works? I would love to know.

*This is book was sent to me via Library Thing's Early Reviewer Program.

Empowerment

I recently began running and working out several times a week. My endurance has increased greatly, I can run 2 miles now (again with short walk breaks). Two people have asked me if I am doing something different because I look better, look healthier (did I look unhealthy before? Hmmm....).

I also enrolled in a Tai Chi class just out of curiousity thinking it would be the healthful mind-body stretching exercise class I'd heard of. As it turns out, my Tai Chi class is taught as a martial art. It is the Yang Long Form version of Tai Chi Ch'uan and teaches self defense. Tai Chi Ch'uan is actually a very deadly martial art similar to Kung Fu. For a time it was banned as a martial art in China, hence it came to be practiced instead as a form of relaxing exercise.

In learning this martial art I have truly had to work to wrap my mind around many Asian and Chinese concepts that are very new to me. I've learned a little bit about Chinese medicine. There is a lot of mind-body philosphy. I'm learning about pressure points and how they are used in self defence, about energy and meridians. I'm also having to learn to concentrate more, to become more disiplined and more focused. I've learned that in using martial arts you can defend yourself well and that defending yourself does not rely on your size or strength, it's all technique. When I get good at the martial art, I don't think I will ever feel afraid again hiking alone in the wilderness or walking in dark parking lots in inner city neighborhoods.

It's truly made me feel empowered....and a feeling of empowerment after a living with a cancer diagnosis is a great thing. It gives back a sense of control, of self-direction, of strength. I'm not sure if I've ever truly felt this empowered before, so I'm really loving the feeling. A cancer diagnosis makes you at least initially feel powerless, so the new feeling of empowerment is great. Tai Chi has also made me take my mind to a place it's never been before, to learn things I'd never contemplated learning; so it is also a great distraction from life in the cancer world. It's also making me take a longer look at medicine and health from a different angle, which is challenging for me.

I'm guessing there are different ways of acheiving this sense of empowerment, and I truly think it is worth pursuing something that gives those of us in the cancer community that feeling. It gives us another tool to use in our fight, another source of strength.

I wish I could share with you just how painful this all is. Not to experience the pain, per say, but to learn. Sometimes I think of my life in movie clips and I want to share poignant little parts...

At times I feel strong, like all of this is no big deal, and other times I am hellbent that suicide is the only thing left to get rid of it. "It" being the cancer, my pain, the pain I seem to be giving my family and friends.

Life is hard, live it for as long as you can take it.

when it rains, it pours.

ugh.

My counts are too low for chemo today, so they're pushing everything back a week.

I have to go to the hospital for a blood transfusion tomorrow, thursday, and friday a bone scan.

My mom's car is in the shop for the next four days, so everyone is trying figure out how to get me to and from the hospital. I still have no ride for friday.

I fucking hate this. I hate being a burden to other people and I hate not being able to do these things myself.

Meet the Monk Monks

When I was a little, my very favorite stuffed animal in the whole world was a sock monkey named Monk Monk. I loved Monk Monk. He went everywhere with me and suffered years of abuse. I still have him. When I saw a brand new sock monkey at Target, I thought it would be a perfect Valentine's Day gift for WCK.

WCK was thrilled with her sock monkey and told me she was going to name him Monk Monk II. Actually, I think she meant, "I'm going to name him Monk Monk, too", but I need to add the II to avoid confusion, you know. I mean, what if I yell, "Monk Monk!" and they both come running? Chaos.

This morning, I was able to photograph both monkeys in their natural habitat. Here they are. What a pair:



I never realized how ragged Monk Monk I looked until I saw him next to young, robust Monk Monk II. As you can see, one of his eyes is missing. It also appears that the corner of his mouth was re-crocheted at some point, and Jay says he looks like Heath Ledger as The Joker.

I think Monk Monk II looks a little bit worried, maybe because he has to visit Monk Monk I in the Old Sock Monkeys' Home all the time and listen to him ramble on.

"Back in my day," says Monk Monk I, "sock monkeys were allowed to have choking-hazard button eyes. And everyone wore jazzy clown suits. We didn't run around naked, like you crazy kids do nowadays! That's the way it was, and we liked it!"

"Sure, Grandpa," says Monk Monk II, casually hiding some anti-anxiety meds in Monk Monk I's mashed bananas. "Just try to take a nap before The Price is Right comes on."

Fun times. I'm so glad we have a multi-generational family.

Elimination of CSC in a mouse model of CML

Targeting a chronic problem: elimination of cancer stem cells in CML by Claus Nerlov, EMBO J 2009(Feb 4); 28(3): 167-8 [PubMed Citation][Openly accessible full text][Version in PMC]. First paragraph:

The eradication of tumours by targeting malignant stem cell populations, or cancer stem cells (CSCs), is a promising new strategy for cancer treatment. In a paper published in a recent issue of The EMBO Journal, pharmacogenetic evidence has been obtained that this is indeed feasible in a mouse model of human chronic myeloid leukaemia. These and further similar experiments will be essential to determine the validity and practical usefulness of the CSC hypothesis.

This article is a commentary about: Cancer induction by restriction of oncogene expression to the stem cell compartment by María Pérez-Caro and 12 co-authors, including Isidro Sánchez-García, EMBO J 2009(Jan 7); 28(1): 8-20 [Epub 2008(Nov 27)][PubMed Citation][Openly accessible full text][Version in PMC]. Excerpt from the last paragraph of the Discussion section of the full text:

The data presented here further show for the first time the in vivo physiological relevance of the CSC suppression using a model system representing in vivo biology of the human CML disease. .....

she's ugly but she's a good listener.

I have lied to you twofold: this post is neither on Sunday, nor about sex. Another day I promise.

How do you respond when people ask what your favorite music is? I'm usually hard-pressed for something to say. Uhmm. Indie? too broad. folk? metal? hip hop?

I may be a little late to jump on the bandwagon, but last.fm is amazing if you have cancer or a lot of time to kill. It's an Internet radio similar to Pandora, but also a social networking site that allows you to share music and analyze your listening habits. It uploads all of the info on your itunes and tells you what you listen to.

I've been so bored with my music during chemo sessions and am constantly asking friends to recommend bands, so this is perfect if you're in a rut. It helps alleviate the monotony of chemo sessions.

Also, it's interesting to see what songs you've most listened to. For instance, it says I've been playing Regina Spektor lately because I'm trying to learn her songs on piano. And I never would have guessed my "most listened to" is Connie Francis' "I'm breaking in a brand new broken heart". God I'm depressing.

Here is my profile.

make one and be my friend! let's see what you're really listening to.

Immortal

I don't like to talk about death in front of WCK. I've never explained what officially happened to the mothers of Nemo and Bambi. I even get a little uncomfortable talking about how all of the dinosaurs died out. Somehow, though, she picked up on what the word "die" means. A few months ago, out of the blue, she asked me if I had any grandmas. When I said no, she asked, "Did they die?" I was very surprised. Yes, I said, they did die. She asked why. I said it was because they got very old. She said, "It's OK, Mommy," and patted me on the arm. Then she didn't bring it up again, and everything was fine.

Today we were having what I thought was a fun conversation about how someday she'll be a grownup like me and I'll be a little old lady. Suddenly, her eyes grew wide.

"Are you going to DIE?" she asked, horrified.

Aw. Crap.

I explained that everyone dies, but I wasn't going to die for a long, long, long, long, long time. Not until I was a very old lady, and she was very old herself. I realize this is a bit of a stretch, considering the looming cancer situation, but ... you never know.

WCK could not be consoled. "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!" she wailed. "I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU DIE!"

Seriously. It was horrible. Horrible. I did not want to be having this conversation. What was I supposed to say? Finally, I just went for it.

"OK," I said. "I promise you I will never die."

Whew. I know this was probably the wrong thing to say, but I really did mean it sincerely. I will figure out a way to fix it. For example, I could just become a vampire. Everything will be fine.

Upcoming Lecture " Advances in Gyn Oncology" given by Dr. Jeanine Villella

Dr. Jeannine Villella, Attending Physician, Division of Gyn Oncology at Winthrop University Hospital will be giving an evening lecture to the community on March 12, 2009 on the topic “Advances in Gyn Oncology.”

If interested in attending please contact : Julie Mischo RN, MSNCancer Care Coordinator
Winthrop University Hospital

Phone 516-663-4637

The Colors That Bind and Post Number 500

Picking the right colors for a 1928 Tudor-style home can be trickier than finding the right doctor. In this photo, taken after we shaved the ivy, you can see the dirty pink chimney color choice of the previous owners.

Two years ago, I became an official member of the "cancer club." We're a tight-knit group with our own secret language and handshakes.

But I've just discovered that I'm a member of an even more exclusive group. And, no, this has nothing to do with those whacky EOS counts or the even more obscure cutis laxa. I'm a member of the Tudor-style home paint club.

Two weeks ago, I got long overdue quotes to have the exterior of our house painted. I swore that I would not go through the same agonizing process that I did ten years ago - collecting color swatches from seven major paint stores, purchasing at least a dozen quarts of paint, trying 36 color combinations, asking for input from a half dozen friends and color experts and, ultimately, making the wrong decision.

This time, I decided to play the game of color copy cat in Pasadena and San Marino. If I found a Tudor paint scheme that pleased me, I got out of the car and approached the owner.

At the first house, a friendly gentleman with a pick axe was doing yard work. When I asked about the paint colors, he said that his wife was the expert, poked his head into the front door and yelled up for her. "Donna, you've got to come down right now," he screamed up to the second story. His frazzled bride came running down, afraid that disaster had struck.

I introduced myself, and we had an animated ten-minute chat about the Tudor's soft paint color palette. I asked if she minded if I snapped a few photos, clicked away and then hopped into my energy-efficient car. As I drove away, she pointed to her own Prius in the driveway and yelled out, "We have good taste!"

I was off to the estate area of San Marino, "north of the Drive," near Huntington Botanical Gardens, where I'd admired another Tudor color scheme in kinder, gentler tones than our dark, traditional home. The house keeper answered the door and told me that she would ask "Mr. Harry" to call. I left my phone number and my town, Altadena, because I didn't want him to think that a nearby home was trying to duplicate his look. "I'll never hear from him," I thought, but two hours later I received a call from the Lord of the Manor.

What is there about paint colors that make me bold, able to approach any house in any neighborhood, confident that I'll receive the answers I crave? What makes the owners so eager to spill their color guts to a stranger? I don't know the answers to these questions, but I do know that our house is going to be the "mini-me" of a San Marino estate home.

Cancer Banter began nearly two years ago on February 27, 2007, and this is my 500th post. Never mind that at least 50 of those have been pleas to read my Open Mouth, Insert Fork blog. If you've been a Cancer Banter lurker, this would be a good excuse for you to come out of hiding and leave a comment.

This Times a Charm Blog Book Tour

I'm doing something new and fun here! I was asked to participate in a blog book tour, a new concept for me, but one that was intriguing. I've read several books by cancer survivors, so it is a great honor to be able to support the author of a new publication, This Time's a Charm: Lessons of a Four-Time Cancer Survivor, by Donald a Wilhelm. Donald survived cancer four times in a five year period. His book documents his amazing journey.

Over the next couple of weeks, several bloggers, including myself will post reviews, podcasts, interviews with the author etc. on a rotating schedule. "This Time's a Charm" Cancer Blog Book Tour Schedule is as follows. The book tour begins today with an interview with the author at Fight Pink. Enjoy!

2/16/09 www.fightpink.org
2/17/09 www.cancerbookreview.blogspot.com
2/18/09 www.uniboobclub.blogspot.com
2/19/09 www.moutray.wordpress.com
2/20/09 www.makesomelemondae.com
2/21/09 www.awesomecancersurvivor.com
2/23/09 www.serendipityfactory.com
2/24/09 www.everythingchangesbook.com
2/25/09 www.cancercornerlive.blogspot.com
2/27/09 www.appendix-cancer.blogspot.com
2/28/09 www.discoverpetoskey.com
03/1/09 www.route53.wordpress.com

Monday (no news yet)

No news yet, or at least I have not heard anything from my medical team. I think I will give the SPOT a name since it is big enough for that now (7mm) I think I will name him Jack. Jack the SPOT

You catch more flies with Cheez-Its

Last week, I wrote about WCK throwing an Exorcist-like tantrum at the grocery store because I wouldn't buy her a bottle of vinegar. Today I had to go back to the store, and I was pretty scared of what was going to happen. For all I knew, Price Chopper had posted our photo in the break room, instructing employees to chase us away from the entrance with crosses and holy water.

Before we left, WCK and I had a long talk about how she "screamed at me" at the grocery store. WCK explained earnestly that she wanted "the square crackers", and that is why she screamed. Crackers? What about the vinegar? I mean, duh, I would have bought her some crackers. I did not bring up the vinegar at risk of causing flashbacks, but I told her that we could get crackers as one of her snacks this week if she behaved. She agreed to my terms, and she was a perfect angel. Then, we entered the vinegar aisle. I held my breath, and .... WCK pointed calmly to a Cheez-Its display right next to the vinegar.

"Those crackers," she said calmly.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That .... makes a lot more sense.

Now we know. She did not throw the tantrum because she wanted vinegar. She threw the tantrum because her mother is dumb. At least I know now that my child is not insane.

And it has a picture of a train!

We tried to think of something exciting we could go out and do as a family on Valentine's Day, but we couldn't think of anything. We are not very exciting people. We decided to just hang around the house instead, and we ended up having a really nice time. We baked cookies, made homemade pizza, and exchanged Valentine's gifts.

After dinner, we watched Space Buddies. This is a direct-to-DVD Disney movie featuring talking dogs who go into outer space. The biggest star in the movie was the guy who played Dauber on Coach back in the '90s. And when I say "talking dogs", I don't mean talking cartoon dogs; I mean real dogs who move their lips in a very creepy way. The main reason the dogs moved their lips, it seemed, was to make jokes about what happens when one eats too many bean burritos. (And one of the dogs was always eating bean burritos). I don't think any fart jokes were left on the cutting-room floor. Naturally, WCK can't stop talking about Space Buddies. Jay bought her a copy of it, so I'm sure we'll be watching it again and again. I can't wait!

Anyway, one of the best parts of Valentine's Day was this awesome candy-filled heart I got from Jay. It almost makes up for the fact that I'll be living with Space Buddies for the rest of my life:

Cancer makes you brave

Is it true that cancer makes you brave, even after treatment is over?

Maybe it's because of all of those "You are so brave and courageous" notes I received during treatment. Like a fledgling Hollywood actress, I may have fallen into the trap of believing my own press.

Maybe, but I think that illness and cancer force many of us to ask, "What's the worst thing that can happen?" When the answer is humiliation, heartbreak or failure and not death, well, shucks, anything seems doable.

BC (before cancer) would I have enrolled in an improv class? Hell, no. But when I "won" a class, donated by Bobbi Oliver, at the Hillsides Volunteer League's annual silent auction at Pasadena's Ice House, I signed up. And then I actually went to class.

One of the first lessons by our instructor, veteran improv teacher John Fontaine, was, "Don't worry about doing it well. Just do it." It's surprisingly liberating to hear these words. When I fail to follow them and try to be funny, I flounder, flop or freeze. When I pull a Nike and just do it, it somehow works. Sometimes.

I've gone from having hives to having fun. And there's nothing like the little high I get after I realize I've nailed a scene.

I'm still working on that one-woman show (Big C, Little C) and hope that this class will help my stage presence, confidence and timing. I'm even thinking about signing up for Bobbie's stand-up comedy class. Now that scares me. But not to death.

CSCC and CIRM announce a Collaborative Funding Partner Program

Collaborative Funding Partner Program announced by The California Institute for Regenerative Medicine and the Cancer Stem Cell Consortium, CSCC News & Media, February 13, 2009. (Archived by WebCite® at http://www.webcitation.org/5ebckolB9). Excerpt:

The California Institute for Regenerative Medicine (CIRM) is pleased to announce a Collaborative Funding Partner Program with Cancer Stem Cell Consortium (CSCC) through CIRM's RFA 09-01 Disease Team Research Award. The purpose of this initiative is to support the research of multi-disciplinary teams of scientists, co-led by Canadian and Californian Principal Investigators that will result in a cancer stem cell based therapy or a therapy derived from cancer stem cell assays with the specific aim of improving cancer treatment.

For details of the CIRM Disease Team Research Award RFA 09-01 please go to (http://www.cirm.ca.gov/RFA/rfa_09-01/default.asp).

French version available in PDF format.

Under this RFA 09-01, the CSCC intends to commit up to CDN$40 million to support the Canadian component of up to two (2) projects funded through the Collaborative Funding Partner Program. Projects will be funded for up to four (4) years, with justifiable total Canadian project costs of up to CDN$20 million per project, conditional upon CIRM funding up to US$20 million per project to support the Californian component.

Teams of Canadian and Californian scientists submitting applications to CIRM's Disease Team Research Award RFA through the Collaborative Funding Partner Program must complete both the CIRM requirements and any additional requirements put forth by the CSCC.

This collaborative initiative with CIRM is the first opportunity for funding available to Canadian scientists through the CSCC. As the CSCC develops its research program it is guided by the CSCC Scientific Strategic Plan. The Canadian scientific community will be kept informed of additional opportunities for funding as they are developed.

For details of the CIRM Disease Team Research Award RFA 09-01 please go to (http://www.cirm.ca.gov/RFA/rfa_09-01/default.asp).

NOTE: Participation in this RFA is NOT limited to scientists who registered with the CSCC their intent to submit an application to the Disease Team Research Awards Competition.

For information about the CSCC-CIRM Collaborative Funding Partner Program contact:

Cindy L. Bell, Ph.D.
Interim Executive Director, CSCC
Email: cscc@genomecanada.ca
Phone: (613) 751-4460 ext 118

(RFA 09-01: CIRM Disease Team Research Awards archived in PDF format by WebCite® at http://www.webcitation.org/5ebdf0wi0).

(French version of news release archived in PDF format by WebCite® at http://www.webcitation.org/5ebeFwit5).

Connotea: CSC-related tags

A few different keywords have been used to tag articles about cancer stem cells on the Nature Publishing Group's Connotea free online reference management site. The keywords include:

"Cancer SC": A total of 222 references were tagged with these keywords on February 14, 2009.
"Leukemic SC": 78 references.
"cancer stem cells": 32 references.
"cancer stem cell": 31 references.
"CSC": 28 references.
"cancer-stem-cells": 3 references.

All of these tags combined: A total of 388 references were tagged with one or more of these keywords on February 14, 2009. (The sum of the totals for all of these tags is 394, so there was an overlap of tags for 6 of the references).

These references to articles related to cancer stem cells have been posted by a total of 41 Connotea users.

PET scan

PET scan today, haven't had one of these in awhile. This will give us an idea about what the SPOT is and where it originated (possibly) .... oh yea also if there are any more SPOTS anywhere else that haven't been observed by a CT scan.

Quick thinking

Last night, I put WCK to bed. A few minutes later, I heard footsteps and then the sound of her closet door slamming. I went into her room, and, sure enough, she was sitting in the closet with the light on, playing joyfully with a few dozen plastic dinosaurs.

"Hi," I said. "Whatcha doing?"

WCK's eyes grew wide, and she thought for a second.

"Um," she said, "sleeping?"

keeping tabs

I've had a friend staying over, so new "actual" post on cancer/sexuality this Sunday. A few little updates:

The radiation burn is looking much better, I'm glad to say. Chemo last week was quite brutal, but nothing new. Approximately 2 weeks of this hellish elixir left to go.

Learning piano has done amazing things for my morale. I love it. I practice constantly. I dream in notes and measures now. It has replaced my other bad habits as a means for stress relief.

One of my favorite people has procured a scooter for me, and this has spawned all sorts of outrageous fantasies for April/May. Sunny days, sewing, friends, hair growth, put-putting around town in an ugly little Malaguti. I CAN'T WAIT TO LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN. And repay all of you with hugs and kisses or whatever else seems fitting.

Fantasy aside, I would like to start looking for a place to live in the next couple of months. If anyone hears of a good deal for a room anywhere in the city please let me know.

Women's cancer outcomes improved by surgical evaluation

Party planning

First of all, I didn't clarify that yesterday's posting was in honor of the Nov. 11 anniversary of the New Kids on the Block concert. I wouldn't go around posting videos of Shirtless Jordan for no reason at all. That would be silly and immature. Marking the anniversary of a New Kids concert on a monthly basis ... well, that's what sensible, 33-year-old people do, right?

Anyway. Today I went to the Valentine's Day party at WCK's school. It was exciting, because I got to be on the Party-Planning Committee:



Actually, there were a lot of parents on the Valentine Party-Planning Committee -- pretty much everyone who didn't make the cut to be on the Christmas Party-Planning Committee -- so I don't know how much I actually contributed. It was still fun. I was amazed to see WCK in her school environment. Her teacher must be a miracle worker. A room of 18 three-year-olds sat perfectly still and waited for everyone to be seated and say a group prayer before they touched the snacks sitting right in front of them. Then, when everyone was done eating, each child asked if they could please be excused and cleaned up without being asked.

Does this happen at our house? Um. No. It does not.

P.S. Tonight I start Cycle 22 of Revlimid. I'm again too lazy to take a photo; you'll just have to picture those blue-and-white pills in a humorous situation. Water skiing? Attending an opera? Wearing lingerie? Let me know what you imagine!