What's new

I was reminded today by a good friend that I haven't posted here in a few days. Things are generally okay but when piled together, I find I am in need of professional support.

1. Treatment with Abraxane continues to be very tolerable with minimal side effects. I have a CT scan tomorrow (and get the results on Thursday) which should indicate any response so far. Dr. G's plan is to treat me until he sees a response, then add two more months. I think that puts us at re-scanning in three months, getting the hoped-for response, and maybe ending treatment in November. You can see how so many months of chemo appears daunting to me.

2. Lymphedema continues to bug me in the same way -- too much edema in the hand, which is exacerbated by wearing the sleeve and glove. I've been taking a psychological break by not wearing anything during the day, and wrapping at night. This has gone on for about a week. I was measured for new custom sleeves last week. This new brand is supposed to be worn with a glove of the same brand; together they presumably put less compression on the wrist. A regular sleeve and glove, when worn together as appropriate, put MORE pressure on the wrist, thus giving the potential to increase edema in the hand by forcing more fluid there. More stress from this.

3. The left elbow continues to be stuck at about 40 degrees of extension. Even after wearing the black plastic brace every night for two weeks, over my lymphedema bandaging, I still have only 40 degrees of extension. My therapist worked with me to position the brace in a more effective spot on my arm, which may result in additional extension. Or not. I see the orthopedist next week. I do not sleep well at night while I wear this gizmo and yet it seems to be the only thing that will return full extension to my elbow joint. Again, more stress.

4. Pumpkin's death continues to hit both of us hard. He pops into mind at odd moments. It's hard to close my eyes and not visualize him looking back over his shoulder to see where I am. Having Bobka helps a lot but still...

5. Eating the low carb/low sugar diet that Dr. G recommended is very fatiguing. I am tired of having to think about every bite, having to plan my carbs each day. Yesterday after my low carb breakfast of cottage cheese, fruit and a latte, I was hungry again at 10 AM. A coffee and half a piroshky helped, as did the (rather dry) tuna sandwich later supplied by the Cancer Institute. I didn't eat dinner last night (read on). Today I ate bread at breakfast, which pretty much consumes my carbs for the rest of the day. But at least I felt full.

I feel so overwhelmed by all that I am managing that last week I decided to seek professional help. I had lined up an appointment with one of the two psychiatrists associated with Swedish's Cancer Institute only to discover that neither of them is part of my mental health benefit network. I found this out yesterday, after spending six hours at the Cancer Institute, and was given one name, in all of Seattle, of a psychiatrist who specializes in treating people with chronic illnesses. He has yet to return my phone message from yesterday. I feel I am in serious need of anti-depressants but would prefer this kind of drug to be managed by a mental health professional rather than my oncologist or even my primary care doc, who is not in this week anyway.

When things are too much for me, my preferred method of coping is to go to sleep. I got into bed at 3 PM, with instructions to Rik to wake me if the one shrink called. I did get up a couple of times, but basically I self-medicated and spent 18 hours in bed. I woke up this morning, not exactly refreshed, but feeling more ready to take on a new day. That lasted until now, when I started writing this post.

Long story short, if you don't see a new post from me, it doesn't necessarily mean all is bad. In the past week I also chaired my first meeting of the synagogue board as president; went shopping for makeup with a friend; and laughed through an animated movie. In coming weeks we may go out of town. I appreciate that you all care and I promise will keep up on my blogging as much as my energy permits.

Pumpkin's theme songs

When we first got Pumpkin I was so goofily in love with him that I decided he needed theme songs. Not one, but three. Who couldn't benefit from a song that defines you?


(Sung to the tune of Hava Nagila)

Pumpkin
He is a Cocker
A Cocker Spaniel
And a King Charles Cavalier (2 x)

Pumpkin’s a happy dog
He has a wiggle butt
He is a shmoopy boy
With a wiggle butt. (2 x)

Pumpkin is a doggy!
Pumpkin is a happy doggy
With a very wiggle butt.
Pumpkin is a happy doggy
With a very wiggle butt.

Pumpkin IS
A Cocker Spaniel AND
A King Charles Cavalier.


(Sung to the tune of Tzena Tzena)

Pumpkin (7 times) He’s a dog, a very happy doggie.
Pumpkin (7 times) He’s a dog, a happy dog.

He is better than the other Cockers
And the Cavalier King Charleses too.
You should see him wag his little tail
To Jill and Riki he’ll be true!

Pumpkin (18 times) He’s a happy dog!


(Sung to the tune of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight")





A wiggle butt (16 x)

In Seattle, in grey Seattle
There lives a little dog.
His name is Pumpkin
He is a Cocker
And a Cavalier King Charles

Chorus:
He….
Has a wiggle butt (he does)
He….
Is a wiggle butt (a dog)

When Pumpkin was just a little puppy
His fluffy tail was cut.
When he’s happy,
He wags his stump and
He shows his wiggle butt.

Chorus
He….
Has a wiggle butt (he does)
He….
Is a wiggle butt (a dog)

Oh --
A wiggle butt, a wiggle butt!

More Pumpkin memories

Pumpkin came to us in 2003.

He had been abandoned at a "kill" shelter and was rescued originally by a woman specializing in cocker spaniel rescue. (A "kill" shelter is one where, if no one claims the abandoned animal after a certain number of days, it is euthanized.) This wonderful woman took him home, had him checked out by a vet who estimated his age at seven and neutered him. She named the dog Pumpkin, groomed and socialized him and then advertised on Petfinder.com for a "forever" home. We passed her inspection and Pumpkin arrived during Passover, dressed in a blue bow and looking like the perfect dog.

My parents happened to be in town for a visit and friends with a dog who had a good grasp of doggy temperament came over to check out Pumpkin. Arturo Tosca-bow-wow gave Pumpkin his approval and we took to one another immediately.

We three went to obedience training and Pumpkin learned to walk nicely on a leash without pulling, sit, stay, down and come when called. He was very motivated by dog cookies to excel!

That summer, when we moved into the current house, Pumpkin loved exploring the yard and the neighborhood. The fence wasn't complete and he would frequently roam at night. We would have to go after him with a flashlight and his leash to make sure he wasn't hit by a car. We usually found him a few doors down the block, eating the cat food left out by our neighbors. We quickly finished fencing the yard completely.


We started going to the beach and Pumpkin loved to romp in the sand, chase birds and even swim a little in the ocean (as long as I went in with him). On one trip with friends, both dogs got caught up in the mighty Moclips river current and were in danger of being washed out to sea before we could leash them and pull them to safety.

After Pumpkin came into our lives, three sets of friends also got dogs. Pumpkin was a good example of how a loving, friendly dog can become part of your family.

For the first five years he was with us, I was still limited in mobility and Pumpkin worked as my service dog. He could go to a cafe or restaurant, to the movies, to the doctor (but not the dentist). Dr. Judy, Arturo's person, used to say that Pumpkin had the uncanny ability to become a piece of furniture and not call attention to himself. Once I brought him to a large benefit luncheon of more than 1000 people. He went quietly into a down under the table, which had a floor-length cloth. I had neglected to warn our server that there was a dog present, and he unknowingly stepped on Pumpkin's protruding foot. The dog yelped, the waiter startled, and the whole banquet room full of people looked around for what caused the noise. I don't know who was more mortified, the waiter or me.

After the field near our house was turned into a housing development, we went to the nearby off-leash park. Pumpkin would romp around, be the dog police and bark at other dogs if he thought they weren't playing nicely. He particularly loved running between Rik and I, back and forth, over and over again. He refused to chase a ball more than once or twice in a row and then he was done playing. After one play session, I went past a dog show and on the fly, Pumpkin was able to qualify for the AKC's Canine Good Citizen award. He wore the patch proudly on his little doggy service vest.

More recently Pumpkin lost his hearing, although he always knew when I moved around the house and would follow me from room to room faithfully. In this respect he was truly a velcro dog. He had separation anxiety issues and would drool and pant if he was left alone in the house. It didn't matter if it was five minutes, five hours or five days, Pumpkin hated being alone. I think this was due to being abandoned and it is common among rescued shelter dogs.

In some respects, Pumpkin was the child that infertility, cancer, and failed adoption attempts prevented us from having. If we appear to mourn his loss more than some would expect, now you know the reason. As much as we saved him, he saved us.

Several of our friends who were here on Sunday to celebrate Rik's birthday sent beautiful messages to us yesterday:

Pumpkin played a very special place in my life and in the life of my family. I am speechless and at the same time I have so much to say. I saw so many shades of love through all those that loved and enjoyed Pumpkin. His lovable doginess started a movement with our dog and changed our family life!

Pumpkin was very lucky to have you during the second half of his life. You showed him consistency and love and care - you went to all lengths to give him a safe and comfortable life, and he brought a lot to your lives. I will miss his little wagging tail.

You were so good for Pumperdoodle and he was so good for you. Our son's love of Pumpkin was one reason we got a dog ourselves.

What I am sure of is that Pumpkin is thanking you even now for making a difficult but wise quality of life decision.

Pumpkin had a place in all of our hearts. We share your loss.

The Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown

Remembering Pumpkin

We had to euthanize Pumpkin around 6 PM.

It turns out that for a couple of weeks he had been walking around on a pathologically fractured leg (sound familiar?). He saw the vet last week but did not have an xray taken, was given anti-inflammatories. Yesterday he came down hard on that bad leg, yelped in pain, and today's xrays revealed cancer and the fracture.

The vet suspected the cancer had already metastasized and that even with surgery and chemotherapy, or an amputation, Pumpkin would only have about six months. The vet could not manage his pain other than with intravenous opiates which we could not administer at home. A fentanyl patch would have taken 12-18 hours to be effective with no way to make him comfortable at home in the meantime. So rather than have P spend his last night in distress at the clinic, in order for us to have one more day with him, we made the right decision, which all pet owners have to face at some time or another, to take care of his pain in the only way left.

The vet was extraordinarily sympathetic. He brought Pumpkin out to us for a last cuddle and P was very stressed, even with morphine to ease his pain. The vet administered an overdose of anesthesia and P relaxed and was dead within moments.

Yesterday Pumpkin was running around the yard, sniffing out his turf, and willing to sit on everyone's lap even after he was hurt. This has been a really tough birthday for Rik.

We are both very sad. Pumpkin was a very good dog. He was about 15 and we were lucky to have him for eight years.

our house too

we're just like today's "Pickles" strip --

we'll build our house and chop our wood and make our garden grow!

(that's a quote from leonard bernstein's candide, only one of the best musicals ever written. it's playing at seattle's 5th avenue theatre soon and I CAN'T WAIT!)







today farmer rik planted the early spring part of our garden. he seeded chard, spinach, mesclun lettuces and radishes. the potatoes will have to wait a bit. the tomatoes go into pots in late may. i have given up on growing tomatoes from seed here in the not-quite-sunny-enough pacific northwest.



rik had assistance from the junior and senior canine supervisors, bob and pumpkin. my role was to sit comfortably on the chaise drinking a can of cold seltzer. it was a gloriously sunny and warm afternoon, the first such in weeks.

later i went to choir rehearsal where we also sat outside and attracted the attention of the neighbors.

all in all, it was a great day, with limited worries about dislocated elbows and cancer. more news tomorrow when i see the orthopod. here's hoping i am healed enough to progress to a jointed brace right away.

Loving our Pumpkin

This was in today's funnies:



We love our Pumpkin (and his Bob too)!

dogs Dogs DOGS

I am so in love with my dogs that I had to post these two photos Rik took last night.


Pumpkin is the regal cocker spaniel.


Bob likes to sleep with his chin on a pillow.

They are the bestest dogs ever!