My hometown is small--really small--especially people-wise. Which means that if there's any gossip, it travels faster than the speed of light, across county lines, state lines, even across the country and across the U.S.-Canadian border to here. It also means that gossip is sometimes, usually, mostly, maybe, probably, kinda connected to someone I'm directly related to or someone that I might have been related to somewhere down the line a hundred or so years ago. I think more people live along my one block in Vancouver than in all of Mifflintown. I think there are more churches than schools, and that the church to people ratio is about 1:9. This post is for Mifflintown.
I gather that my name has been passed among churches because I've been getting a lot of cards from people's whose names I don't recognize, but I do recognize their surnames. I also got some cards from people from my high school class. All this is really awesome. It's funny when people write, "I know you aren't religious, but I'm praying for you anyway. . ." I totally appreciate that and am grateful because while it is true that I don't ascribe to any religion, I am a spiritual person and believe in the spirit of life and some sort of afterlife that exists for spirits, so I do feel the positive vibes that people are wonderful enough to give out generously, even if they don't know me at all!
I also know that some people come here to find updates about my situation, which is also great! I mean, really, this blog is straight from the horse's mouth (I hate that phrase--it sounds gross, like the horse is chucking up a hairball or cud...but I guess horses don't eat cud?). But what I heard is that people are reading my blog and then going to a certain someone who shall remain nameless (which is pointless, I know, because as soon as I describe him, people who know, will know) to chat about my situation.
So this certain someone is my gay (bisexual?) ex-brother-in-law who owns the most popular hair salon in town. I heart him cuz I've known him forever, so he's like my brother...but alas, he's a brother I haven't spoken to or heard from in a really long time. Probably the last time I saw him and talked to him was over a year ago when my husband, kids, and I went to Mifflintown for a summer vacation holiday break [chemo has turned me into a monster of redundancy]. Anyway, I would love for him to come visit me--or even just call me, or email me, or phone me, but I know he's busy, I'm busy, so yeah, haven't spoken to him in a while. Now I hear through the North American grapevine that people ask about me when they go get their hair done, and that he has said that he will buy cheap plane tickets for my family to come see me. I'm not sure why he's saying these things--good gossip? Slow news day in Mifflintown? Maybe. But even if this is all purely gossip (whatever "pure" means), let me say that: #1) there are NO cheap tickets between there and here. Crossing the U.S. border jacks up the price, and the cheapest ticket I ever found was no less than $500--so if you happen to find one that's cheaper than that, let me know asap!!!; #2) if my family wants to come see me (and I know there aren't many who do, out of fear of flying), I will help them pay for their tickets. So as much as I love and respect my ex-bro-in-law, his generosity in terms of my current situation that he may or may not be talking about in his salon is as of yet unfounded. He has been very generous in the past with all the free haircuts, colorings, and so on, for which I am grateful. But plane tickets and phone calls? No.
Anyway, I wasn't certain about posting smalltown family hearsay on my cancer blog, but why the fuck not? I mean, it's the only way I've been "communicating" with some people, it's easy for me, and shit, if we gonna gossip, let's ride this cyberspace wave! Mifflintown people know me as shit-disturber, I think the word is. Truth be told, not much has changed since I left in 1993. So let's disturb some shit.
But seriously, all this is fun but stupid. I just want to set the facts straight--and also thank people in Mifflintown for their prayers and thoughts--and gossip!
Speaking of hair, mine is almost all gone. I still have little splotches here and there that annoy the fuck out of me, but I'll just let them be for now. The tugging and rubbing on my head is getting old, and I have better things to do. Today, I'm getting a CT scan on my leg where I have a stress fracture. I'm surprised that I'm getting this scan because I think they pretty much ruled that it's a stress fracture in my leg, but I guess they want to make triple-sure, which is a weird thing for Canadians, who don't believe in unnecessary, or excessive, testing (it costs money). But hey, if they wanna scan my leg, great!
I've been wanting to eat like crazy. I guess with this chemo, at first I want to puke my brains out, and now, the steroids are kicking in or something, cuz I'm never full. But I'm trying to keep the eating normal and not gain a crapload of weight. So far, so good.
On Monday, Henry and I went to a free fireside chat session at Inspire Health, which is an integrated healthcare organization for cancer patients, which just means that their doctors and staff help you find ways to cope with the side effects of cancer treatments and optimize health and wellbeing during these times. After the fee for their two-day seminar and membership fee, access to their doctors and programs are free, but they also have a naturopath and acupuncturist if you want to take advantage of that, for a fee. I feel super fortunate that we live in a place where such a thing exists!
So yeah, thanks for reading the blog, you in Mifflintown, Vancouver, Pittsburgh, Germany, California, Seattle, New York, Madison, China, Florida, and wherever the hell you are!
Rock on.
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
The Night Before...
It's the night before tomorrow. Wow, that sounds so zen, doesn't it? Seriously though, tomorrow is my second appointment with the oncologist. Henry and I will meet with Dr. B to go over all the test results from the past week and a bit. Yesterday and today, I had scans and xrays, blood tests and agony and questions and long, hot baths and sleepless nights. Tomorrow, a bunch of questions will be answered and a bunch more will pop up, but hopefully in the next couple of days, my chemo treatment will start and all the alien nastiness invading Planet Brandy will begin to be wiped out. Vive la revolution!
{the view from our hotel room in waikiki}
My time with the zen master dude was interesting. After four hours of zenness, my head hurt. The first hour, Henry demonstrated his zen knowledge with zen master dude. The next two hours, zen master dude grilled me on my existence. Picture a circle. Now picture a squiggly circle around the other circle. The inner circle is me. The squiggly circle is the stuff around me, the stuff I'm attached to. Do I want to find out what's in the inner circle? . . . Now think of this: 0=∞. . . . Then zen master dude asked me "Why purple hair?" My thought bubble, "Because I like purple, Roshi." But I think I gave some fumbling lame reason which made Roshi just stare at me.
So then zen master dude wanted me to play a shakuhachi, which he told me is a flute. People from my Mifflintown years will bust a gut because they know how much I sucked at playing the flute. BUT despite my suckiness at being a flautist, I did it for, let me see, oh, five years. Anyway, the shakuhachi isn't the kind of flute you're thinking of. It looks more like a recorder, and it's used for meditation. It's fucking hard as fuck to play. I tried for an hour. My cheeks hurt. But another zen master dude said that I had a rare quality for a beginner to play such clear, strong notes with such purpose. Rock on! So there I was, in the training room, with zen master flute player, and this other dude who was practicing martial arts and was chanting sutras which sounded like a bullfrog and me blowing away, and Henry just sitting there. I totally felt like I was in an anime movie, and that we were all going to transform into forest creatures or earthly structures.
{me and H in leis made by our friends Hoku and Kaipo}
As funny as that all sounds, the zen master meeting has stuck with me. Of course, I think it's probably pretty common to think of existence questions when faced with life / death situations, but zen master dude number one kept asking me, what's stopping me from finding out about the now? Am I really that attached to my suffering and my past? These are questions as unanswerable as others right now.
Honestly though, today sucked ass. I feel so freakin' lame. For an hour, I shopped online for cool fabric so I could sew myself some head coverings. Then I decided that I didn't want to buy any fabric and sew head coverings, so then I was down on myself for wasting all this time.
But I can't help but notice the things that people have done. It makes me want to get out of my rut that I've dug myself in. For instance, Russell writing a poem for me today; Vicki sending me a bear and a bag from PA Dutch country (and frisbees for Chloe and Mylo); Hilary callling to ask when she could bring over frozen turkey soup she made; Betty bringing me head coverings from the cancer centre, and a lavendar eye pillow she made for me; Candace bringing over costumes for the kids and smoked salmon her husband caught and Chinese bbq pork; friends of friends who have offered their advice, help, and resources; my in-laws for helping with the kids; my parents for making plans to come out here to help; the lady from the Canadian Cancer Society who called today to help set me up with someone who's gone through a similar experience; CCHS for bringing me flowers; people who've emailed me on Myspace, 43things, Facebook, and here; Chris for watching the kids yesterday morning; Heidy and Greg for watching the kids last night; other people who have emailed to offer their help and company; my green towel for keeping purple dye off my pillow and for catching those random tears; Henry and the kids for bearing with me; and Victoria for organizing a team, "Brandy's Babes," for the Race for the Cure (http://ocraceforthecure.kintera.org/brandysbabes).
Yesterday, Henry and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary at Le Crocodile. We had a South African wine called Graceland (2004). The only reason I'm writing that here is so I'll remember what that wine was, cuz it was good!
{rowr! le crocodile}
So anyway, when I figure out what 0=∞ means, I'll be laughing (as my fiction prof Maureen would say), but until then, I'm just scratching my head.
{the view from our hotel room in waikiki}
My time with the zen master dude was interesting. After four hours of zenness, my head hurt. The first hour, Henry demonstrated his zen knowledge with zen master dude. The next two hours, zen master dude grilled me on my existence. Picture a circle. Now picture a squiggly circle around the other circle. The inner circle is me. The squiggly circle is the stuff around me, the stuff I'm attached to. Do I want to find out what's in the inner circle? . . . Now think of this: 0=∞. . . . Then zen master dude asked me "Why purple hair?" My thought bubble, "Because I like purple, Roshi." But I think I gave some fumbling lame reason which made Roshi just stare at me.
So then zen master dude wanted me to play a shakuhachi, which he told me is a flute. People from my Mifflintown years will bust a gut because they know how much I sucked at playing the flute. BUT despite my suckiness at being a flautist, I did it for, let me see, oh, five years. Anyway, the shakuhachi isn't the kind of flute you're thinking of. It looks more like a recorder, and it's used for meditation. It's fucking hard as fuck to play. I tried for an hour. My cheeks hurt. But another zen master dude said that I had a rare quality for a beginner to play such clear, strong notes with such purpose. Rock on! So there I was, in the training room, with zen master flute player, and this other dude who was practicing martial arts and was chanting sutras which sounded like a bullfrog and me blowing away, and Henry just sitting there. I totally felt like I was in an anime movie, and that we were all going to transform into forest creatures or earthly structures.
{me and H in leis made by our friends Hoku and Kaipo}
As funny as that all sounds, the zen master meeting has stuck with me. Of course, I think it's probably pretty common to think of existence questions when faced with life / death situations, but zen master dude number one kept asking me, what's stopping me from finding out about the now? Am I really that attached to my suffering and my past? These are questions as unanswerable as others right now.
Honestly though, today sucked ass. I feel so freakin' lame. For an hour, I shopped online for cool fabric so I could sew myself some head coverings. Then I decided that I didn't want to buy any fabric and sew head coverings, so then I was down on myself for wasting all this time.
But I can't help but notice the things that people have done. It makes me want to get out of my rut that I've dug myself in. For instance, Russell writing a poem for me today; Vicki sending me a bear and a bag from PA Dutch country (and frisbees for Chloe and Mylo); Hilary callling to ask when she could bring over frozen turkey soup she made; Betty bringing me head coverings from the cancer centre, and a lavendar eye pillow she made for me; Candace bringing over costumes for the kids and smoked salmon her husband caught and Chinese bbq pork; friends of friends who have offered their advice, help, and resources; my in-laws for helping with the kids; my parents for making plans to come out here to help; the lady from the Canadian Cancer Society who called today to help set me up with someone who's gone through a similar experience; CCHS for bringing me flowers; people who've emailed me on Myspace, 43things, Facebook, and here; Chris for watching the kids yesterday morning; Heidy and Greg for watching the kids last night; other people who have emailed to offer their help and company; my green towel for keeping purple dye off my pillow and for catching those random tears; Henry and the kids for bearing with me; and Victoria for organizing a team, "Brandy's Babes," for the Race for the Cure (http://ocraceforthecure.kintera.org/brandysbabes).
Yesterday, Henry and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary at Le Crocodile. We had a South African wine called Graceland (2004). The only reason I'm writing that here is so I'll remember what that wine was, cuz it was good!
{rowr! le crocodile}
So anyway, when I figure out what 0=∞ means, I'll be laughing (as my fiction prof Maureen would say), but until then, I'm just scratching my head.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Airport Sign
Yesterday, as Henry and I were walking from the terminal to baggage claim at the airport in Honolulu, Henry said, "Hey, isn't that Tu?" It was my former co-worker from UCLA, Ying Ming Tu. I shouted, "Hey, Tu-tu!" He turned, his mouth dropped open, and he ran to give me and Henry a hug. He also just happened to be with Angela Oh, another friend from LA. I worked with Angela on her book, "Open," which talks about her work as a civil rights lawyer and her philosophies that have arisen out of that. She's also a Zen Buddhist priest.
Angela touched my hair and asked me why purple? I explained how I'm going to have chemo in a couple weeks and wanted to dye my hair a funky color before it fell out. I told her that I was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Her hand went to the exact place of the tumor without me telling her which breast or anything. She said, "Our meeting here like this was meant to be, I can feel it." She then called up a Zen master at the Chozen-ji International Dojo in Honolulu and asked Roshi if Henry and I could have an appointment to meet with him. It takes weeks to get an appointment, but Roshi agreed to meet with us on Thursday (tomorrow!). Angela said to go, climb to the top and meditate. She told us we'd have to wear long-sleeved shirts and pants, and I would have to take out my jewelry. I found this article on the dojo here: http://the.honoluluadvertiser.com/article/2004/Jun/13/il/il02a.html
At the moment of seeing Tu and Angela, I was so elated! Lots of people have told me to visualize the cancer leaving my body, to meditate, but I haven't felt like that would work. But now, with this completely serendipitous encounter at the airport--at the moment when Henry and I were coming, and Tu and Angela were leaving--I feel a sense of joy and encouragement and spiritual uplifting. Even Henry, who's not really into thinking about meditating and such things, looked happy. It was a really special moment.
Angela touched my hair and asked me why purple? I explained how I'm going to have chemo in a couple weeks and wanted to dye my hair a funky color before it fell out. I told her that I was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Her hand went to the exact place of the tumor without me telling her which breast or anything. She said, "Our meeting here like this was meant to be, I can feel it." She then called up a Zen master at the Chozen-ji International Dojo in Honolulu and asked Roshi if Henry and I could have an appointment to meet with him. It takes weeks to get an appointment, but Roshi agreed to meet with us on Thursday (tomorrow!). Angela said to go, climb to the top and meditate. She told us we'd have to wear long-sleeved shirts and pants, and I would have to take out my jewelry. I found this article on the dojo here: http://the.honoluluadvertiser.com/article/2004/Jun/13/il/il02a.html
At the moment of seeing Tu and Angela, I was so elated! Lots of people have told me to visualize the cancer leaving my body, to meditate, but I haven't felt like that would work. But now, with this completely serendipitous encounter at the airport--at the moment when Henry and I were coming, and Tu and Angela were leaving--I feel a sense of joy and encouragement and spiritual uplifting. Even Henry, who's not really into thinking about meditating and such things, looked happy. It was a really special moment.
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