last chemo.







One of the nurses brought me a balloon, which was quite touching. I did shed a tear or two.





Now I'm lying on the living room floor intermittently puking and watching Showgirls. And slowly, sllooowwwly waiting for my hair to grow back...

miss misery

as soon as the ifosfomide begins to flow, so does the puke.

misery, misery, misery.

for some reason the drugs cause spasms in my lungs, making me hicup endlessly.

The mesna pump I've got to have hooked up to my port 24/7 does not help- I can barely sleep with the constant "katchha katchha" by my side, reminding me of my nausea and strange foreign poisions running through my veins.

One more month of hell.


here is my baldy head.

can't sleep because I'm too busy barfing

I have been consistently wretching and vomiting for the past 7 days straight, which I'm sure not many of you can claim unless you are equally afflicted with the cancer bug, or perhaps also malaria.

You adapt. It goes a little something like this:

"Hey, did you catch the GAME last Sunday?" (Because I watch games.)

"Whaa.. nooBLAAARGGGuhhgh. No, I didn't."

"Oh man, sorry. You need a towel or something?"

"Naw it happens all the... theBLEGHHAARGRGohholymotherofwhooa time. I'm totally cool. Maybe a napkin though."

See, I have it under control. come over and we'll have us a chat!

Alter Egos

The mutant radiation-chemo combo has given me the power of the Alter Ego. Observe:





Hey guys, I feel great. I am single-handedly making cancer my bitch and I've also got this great Linsdsey Lohan hairdo. I will be back before you know it!







oh, hey, an eskeemo only a mother could love. Right after chemo; I've just puked. I'm really scared of dying right now. My eyebrows are falling off. I'm hopefully half way done but I cry at the thought of enduring this for another 3 1/2 months. I cry A LOT. I feel I've lost all of my friends and I miss them dearly.



Unfortunately the latter has become the norm.



Lately I have succumbed to numbness- perhaps I've just become used to my situation. When the pain becomes too much to bear, my mind just pops right off from my body like a balloon. I feel separated from everything, just floating and unfeeling. I span time like this. Nothing else matters. Great coping mechanism, huh?

I will be in sf this weekend.

I feel so weak.

My heart breaks for little insignificancies while my body only breaks for the monumental. For some reason I thought that my dire situation would heal me of all past insecurities and mental calamities- your priority will cure what ails you. How wrong I was. I am still the same.

Chemo has made me anemic- I can feel my heart beating hard, trying to make up. Parts of my body are numb due to this inadequacy. I will need a transfusion soon. This is such an odd thought- someone else's blood inside me. I could make so many epic metaphors right now it's disgusting.

On Sept. 28th, 7:30 pm

a chunk of my hair fell out as I was styling it for photobooth pictures.

I don't think you'll ever forget the first time your hair falls out. It is like an anvil to the head. It's the realization that yes, I really DO have cancer. This hasn't just been a dream. I am a sick person.
bummer.

the chemohawk

have you heard of it?

it's all the rage.



1st chemo sesh was mild- I feel nauseous and heavy now, much like a bad fever. In a way I can feel the poison flowing through me; my whole body pulses with my heart. My brain is too tired to make art. This worries me. For now, until the words begin to flow, I'll post more pictures. Remember the stilettos and red lips? Gone are the days of kaylin's vanity (for now). We ripped it right out of her.