Growing and Not Knowing

This sucker is growing fast. Last week, when I went into see the trial nurse and oncologist, I told them how the pain has moved from the site where I first discovered the abnormality (on the left side of my right breast) to just near my armpit. The trial nurse straight up told me that the tumor is growing, not faster, but exponentially--which to me, just means faster cuz I mean, the sucker doubles and doubles and doubles some more. Then when I got the core biopsy done last week, I asked the technician (who was a tad clueless) to move the ultrasound thing over to my pit to check out what was going on there. So instead of just seeing the one lymph node I was expecting to see, I saw two--the bulging one that you can now feel by touch without having to look for it (before, the oncologist had to find it and push into my pit to locate it), and a smaller one beside it. So I'm like--getting this fucking shit out of me now!!!!

But you know, the consolation is that Chloe and Mylo have no clue. So everyday, I'm just Mama. Not Mama Who Has Cancer. They make the day go by quickly with all that's involved in raising an almost-four and almost-three year old. They want to snack, go outside, destroy spider webs (I discourage this, but what to do...), listen to sea shells, make up stories about caterpillars eating ice cream and cookies and going into the cocoon and coming out fat butterflies, count and point out colours of trees and mountains and houses and cars; they want to protest naps and baths, but when they nap and bathe, they're happier. Chloe saw the big bloody strips and gauze on my biopsy site when I was changing clothes the other day, and she asked me if I had a boo-boo. I said yeah. She asked me if I was going to the doctor. I said I already went. She asked me how many doctors. I said two. She said, "Two doctors?" For some reason, it really intrigued her. Kids really have such a sense of wonderment. And then she wanted to paint her fingernails and toenails, which we did. Now, I'm really into painting nails.

As corny as this is, I'm trying to take my lessons from the kiddins.