Keep Kicking

The closest I ever came to gasping my last breath was nearly 25 years ago at Makapu Beach, a favorite body surfing spot in Hawaii.

The pounding surf was gasp inducing, so I wisely (and uncharacteristically) chose to stay on shore and watch George catch waves. But soon the unrelenting sun sent me scurrying into the water to cool off. Before I knew it, a strong current had pulled me far from shore. I was sucked into an area where the waves were breaking on jagged rocks.

I should have swam out beyond the current, but I got the idea that I could ride the waves to the rocks and then pull myself up and out of the water. Instead, I crashed, face first, into the rocks, before the tide pulled me back into the ocean.

After three rides into the rocks, I thought I was a goner. Just then, two lifeguards grabbed hold of me. I remembered that many drowning victims attempt to fight their rescuers, so I immediately relaxed into their strong arms.

They worked very hard to pull me through the crashing waves and strong current. When I emerged from the ocean, George was waiting and rushed me to the emergency room for six stitches by my right eyebrow.

All ended well, but to this day, I feel a little guilty for not doing more to ease the burden of those lifeguards. A little flutter here, a kick there may have made their jobs easier. I wasn’t fighting them, but I wasn’t helping them either.

Fast forward a quarter of a century. I’m receiving care at one of the country’s top cancer centers with one of the most respected hematology doctors in the country. Believe me, it would be very tempting to relax into the strong, capable arms of the brilliant and compassionate staff at City of Hope.

But I don’t want to one day rue my passivity and think, “I could have done more, a gentle kick here a flutter there.” (If George was reading this, he would probably say that there’s no danger of my ever becoming passive.)

So how does a patient (or a drowning victim) find that happy balance between passivity and fighting the rescuer? I stay active on a list serve for mantle cell lymphoma patients, a group of decidedly non-passive cellmates. The group stays current and questions extensively. I research everything exhaustively. I do my best to question and communicate with my doctor. And I plan to keep on kicking for the long term.