Sunday, July 8, 2007

Diary of a Bald Housewife


April 17: AAAGGHH! After just one round of chemo, I’m shedding faster than a mutt with mange. In the summer time. In Palm Springs.

April 23: My scalp looks like it’s been mowed by a drunken gardener. With a hand mower. At midnight. I ask for a buzz cut at the City of Hope clip joint. No fans. No paparazzi. And, puh-lease, no mirrors. I’m turning into a first-class diva.

April 24: I hate washing my head. The tiny remaining spikes make me feel like I’m bathing a porcupine.

May 7: I still refuse to look at my naked scalp.

May 14: AAAGGHH! I accidentally catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. ET phone home! ET phone home!

May 21: I wear my wig for the first time. A male acquaintance yells out, “I love your hair” as I walk by. I saunter while humming, “There she goes just a walkin’ down the street.”

May 28: AAAGGHH! I catch a glimpse of my image in a plate glass window. I don’t recognize the woman with the bangs and bobbed hair.

June 7: Wig is hot and itchy. I rip it off while driving to CoH. No stares. No silent screams. No collisions.

June 14: I’ve gone two months without plucking eyebrows or shaving legs. I don’t have to yank out annoying, wiry hair on my chinny-chin-chin.

June 17: I wear one of my beautiful modified berets to a party. I’m tres chic, but sweat is pouring down my forehead. I ask Melinda if she would mind if I remove my hat. It’s my “coming out party.” She doesn’t run screaming. I mingle while bald and fear that I’m committing a crime worse than drinking while driving. But, surprise. No stares. No silent screams. No collisions.

June 18, Father’s Day: I wear a scarf to dinner at a crowded restaurant. It’s getting hot and I ask my friends if they mind if I go hairless. They’re thrilled and taunt, “Take it off . . .”

June 29: I look in the mirror and see that my eyebrows look like caterpillars. And that feisty little chin hair has reappeared.

July 3: AAAGGHH! My hair is starting to grow back. But I’m not finished with treatment. If my hair is growing back, does this mean that the cancer's growing back too?

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