I got the results of yesterday's chest xray and it was negative -- meaning there was nothing to see via xray. So I am good to go for chemo on Monday, as planned.
My shortness of breath continues to be resolving on its own. I went to yoga today for the first time in several weeks and was able to breath very deeply during the relaxation (my favorite part). Still a little short of breath while walking, but I am walking further every day.
Meanwhile I am cooking up a storm for tonight's guests, an English meal in honor of the royal wedding (and because I've always wanted to have trifle).
Challah (we are Jews, after all)
Cream of cauliflower soup with stilton
"Fish and chips": slow-cooked halibut in olive oil with my dad's recipe for roasted potatoes
Minted green peas
Sour cherry trifle
I had to go to three (!) grocery stores to find a pound cake. Silly me; I should have just baked one last night.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Plaster Princess
How many people get to celebrate three years in remission with a baby? At the end of today (exactly two weeks after my remission anniversary), we will have a little baby girl--our miracle and our princess.
I always do belly casts of my pregnancies ever since my BFF Lisa gave me a belly casting kit (I'm such an expert now, I just buy plaster). We are off to the hospital in an hour, but Anton and I spent some time this morning belly-casting Moxie. She's the only one that got to be casted right before she's born.
Here's a picture of Moxie's cast, on the left, next to Chloe's cast. The difference is remarkable. And while Moxie is being born at 36 weeks today, Chloe was born at 37 weeks (and I think Chloe's cast was done at 35 weeks). According to the sizing ultrasound we did two weeks ago, Moxie is even going to be as big as Chloe was, around 7.5 pounds. So imagine how squished she felt in there with the tram-flap mesh...and how things were mega difficult for me! But we will both get relief very soon!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I always do belly casts of my pregnancies ever since my BFF Lisa gave me a belly casting kit (I'm such an expert now, I just buy plaster). We are off to the hospital in an hour, but Anton and I spent some time this morning belly-casting Moxie. She's the only one that got to be casted right before she's born.
Here's a picture of Moxie's cast, on the left, next to Chloe's cast. The difference is remarkable. And while Moxie is being born at 36 weeks today, Chloe was born at 37 weeks (and I think Chloe's cast was done at 35 weeks). According to the sizing ultrasound we did two weeks ago, Moxie is even going to be as big as Chloe was, around 7.5 pounds. So imagine how squished she felt in there with the tram-flap mesh...and how things were mega difficult for me! But we will both get relief very soon!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Thursday, April 28, 2011
And a very little joke....
Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is now available In the following flavors (if only!) --
Wailing Walnut
Moishmellow
Mazel Toffee
Chazalnut
Oy Ge-malt
Mi Ka-mocha
Soda & Gamorra
Bernard Malamint
Berry Pr'i Hagafen
Choc-Eilat Chip
and finally ....
(drum roll, please)
Simchas T'oreo
It should also be noted that all these flavors come in a Cohen.
(Thanks to my friend B for sending this one along!)
Wailing Walnut
Moishmellow
Mazel Toffee
Chazalnut
Oy Ge-malt
Mi Ka-mocha
Soda & Gamorra
Bernard Malamint
Berry Pr'i Hagafen
Choc-Eilat Chip
and finally ....
(drum roll, please)
Simchas T'oreo
It should also be noted that all these flavors come in a Cohen.
(Thanks to my friend B for sending this one along!)
SOB update
I almost forgot to mention: Although my shortness of breath seemed to ease today (I walked the dog down and up a hill!), I reported it to Dr G. Upon physical exam, I had no pain in my right side, even with him poking me in the side and my taking deep breaths. Dr G asked me to have a chest xray, which I took this afternoon. I also had the oxygen level in my blood checked with a pulse oximeter (the thing that goes on your finger) and it was at 96%, practically normal.
Maybe it was anxiety about the ultrasound report?
Maybe it was anxiety about the ultrasound report?
Scan results and treatment update
Last week's ultrasound results were neither positive nor negative. I continue to have stable disease in my liver, meaning the Gemzar didn't really work all that well for me.
Dr G has decided to put me back on Abraxane. This is where I started chemo exactly a year ago. He did not order scans before I started the Abraxane. After nine or so treatments, I had a CT scan which found the liver mets. We don't really know when they appeared.
He switched me immediately to Doxil, which I did not tolerate. In the past year I have also taken Adriamycin, high dose Faslodex, Navelbine and Gemzar, all resulting in stable disease but no reduction in liver mets and continually increasing CA 27.29.
So, since I tolerated Abraxane well last year, I will start on it again next Monday. At least I know what to expect -- low blood counts, hair loss, nausea, fatigue and maybe peripheral neuropathy (although I don't remember this from last year).
Last year I had all my hair buzzed off just as it started to fall out, but I still had stubble all during the spring, summer and fall chemos. I was never baby-butt-bald. So I think I will try to live with hair loss this time instead of buzzing it all off again, and see if it does really all fall out, or if it only thins.
It does mean I will likely be hairless when we go out of town for a family celebration in June. I still have the wig I bought last year and many, many scarves. If I am bald, everyone can just deal with it.
Dr G knows about our planned trip and hopes to see some results before we leave. I think that means I can look forward to another scan mid-June. As he told me today, "You're in good shape. We just have to find the right thing for you." We had a moment of emotional connection together and decided we are exactly the right doctor-patient team together.
(If you search through my blog for posts on Abraxane from 2010, you'll read that at the time I was dealing with a severely dislocated elbow, lymphedema, fear at starting chemo for the first time in eight years, and incipient depression. After having been on chemo for most of the last year, I can safely say that my fear is reduced, I know what to expect from Abraxane this time, my elbow has healed and I am no longer clinically depressed. But I think I will stay on the low dose of sertraline for the time being, just in case.)
(If you search through my blog for posts on Abraxane from 2010, you'll read that at the time I was dealing with a severely dislocated elbow, lymphedema, fear at starting chemo for the first time in eight years, and incipient depression. After having been on chemo for most of the last year, I can safely say that my fear is reduced, I know what to expect from Abraxane this time, my elbow has healed and I am no longer clinically depressed. But I think I will stay on the low dose of sertraline for the time being, just in case.)
Healthy Spirits: New Arrivals
1. Alagash Confluence
2. De Dolle Oerbier
3. Marin Brewing White Knuckle DIPA
4. La Trappe Quadruppel
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
2. De Dolle Oerbier
3. Marin Brewing White Knuckle DIPA
4. La Trappe Quadruppel
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
African Cats
I love going to movie theaters, but WCK insists that all movies are "scary." The only movies she'll agree to see in movie theaters are nature documentaries. When I saw that Disney had released a documentary called "African Cats", I knew this might be my only chance this year to actually see the inside of a theater and eat some popcorn. On the Monday of Easter break, I threw WCK in the car, and we went.
Now, because it was a Disney movie and rated G, I expected that it would be cute, lighthearted movie about baby lions frolicking happily on the African savanna. No. "African Cats" was the SCARIEST MOVIE EVER.
Two of the adorable baby cheetahs were eaten by hyenas. The mother lion was kicked by a zebra and died. An evil rival lion pride kept terrorizing the "good" lion pride, and the narrator implied that the evil rival lions intended to kill off all of the adorable baby lions.
Of course, WCK, who is too scared to watch "The Tinkerbell Movie", didn't find "African Cats" scary at all. Because this is the way my child is.
Ever since we got home from the movie, we have had to spend a lot of time acting out "African Cats". Usually, I am stuck being the zebra or wildebeest while WCK gets to be the lion or cheetah. I crawl cluelessly around my bedroom, pretending to eat grass, while WCK stalks me from the end of the hallway. Then she crawls down the hallway at lightning speed, pounces, eats me, and crawls away.
Other times, we are both lions from rival prides. We both crawl to the center of the hallway and yell at each other. "You stay away from my pride!!!" "No, YOU stay away from MY pride!!" "Well, my pride has 10 cute baby lions!" "Well, MY pride has ONE MILLION CUTE BABY LIONS!!!" If we're lucky, Garland will wander by and play the part of the actual pride.
After we yelled at each other yesterday, we decided to team up and go hunting for some prey together. We were able to scrape up a sock monkey and a stuffed triceratops for our dinner. We also found some baby dolls, but WCK decided we should not eat the human babies. We should dress them up in cute clothes, put them in strollers, and walk them around Africa. Then we should get distracted and start playing with Barbies.
Our dramatic interpretation of "African Cats" often does not follow the movie very closely.
Call me a terrible mother, but I'm extremely grateful that the weather is nice today and we can go to the park after school instead of playing another round of "African Cats." The zebra is worn out.
Now, because it was a Disney movie and rated G, I expected that it would be cute, lighthearted movie about baby lions frolicking happily on the African savanna. No. "African Cats" was the SCARIEST MOVIE EVER.
Two of the adorable baby cheetahs were eaten by hyenas. The mother lion was kicked by a zebra and died. An evil rival lion pride kept terrorizing the "good" lion pride, and the narrator implied that the evil rival lions intended to kill off all of the adorable baby lions.
Of course, WCK, who is too scared to watch "The Tinkerbell Movie", didn't find "African Cats" scary at all. Because this is the way my child is.
Ever since we got home from the movie, we have had to spend a lot of time acting out "African Cats". Usually, I am stuck being the zebra or wildebeest while WCK gets to be the lion or cheetah. I crawl cluelessly around my bedroom, pretending to eat grass, while WCK stalks me from the end of the hallway. Then she crawls down the hallway at lightning speed, pounces, eats me, and crawls away.
Other times, we are both lions from rival prides. We both crawl to the center of the hallway and yell at each other. "You stay away from my pride!!!" "No, YOU stay away from MY pride!!" "Well, my pride has 10 cute baby lions!" "Well, MY pride has ONE MILLION CUTE BABY LIONS!!!" If we're lucky, Garland will wander by and play the part of the actual pride.
After we yelled at each other yesterday, we decided to team up and go hunting for some prey together. We were able to scrape up a sock monkey and a stuffed triceratops for our dinner. We also found some baby dolls, but WCK decided we should not eat the human babies. We should dress them up in cute clothes, put them in strollers, and walk them around Africa. Then we should get distracted and start playing with Barbies.
Our dramatic interpretation of "African Cats" often does not follow the movie very closely.
Call me a terrible mother, but I'm extremely grateful that the weather is nice today and we can go to the park after school instead of playing another round of "African Cats." The zebra is worn out.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
A few things!
Sorry I haven't been writing as often, life has gotten busy! Mostly school....
I talked to a woman diagnosed with appendix cancer today....she was told she was terminally ill (as I was initially) by a doctor not familiar with appendix cancer. She is devastated as she has four young children. I know of many others who are told the same thing. It's a common prognostic by those unfamiliar with our rare disease. We ALL need to be seen by an appendix cancer specialists familiar with our disease when we are diagnosed. Usually we have to travel as there are not specialists local to us (I traveled 750 miles). If you are newly diagnosed, PLEASE see a specialist before making treatment decisions! We have to be our own advocates. Many very good surgeons and oncologists just don't know enough about our rare disease, they don't see it often. Specialists have seen hundreds of cases. I had an initial "poor prognosis" by one oncologist and terminal diagnosis by another and am weeks away from being 10 years cancer free.
Also, I just communicated with a woman who is a 33 year survivor of our cancer! She's the longest survivor I've known of so far. I asked her to write her survivor story for my web site/blog. I hope she does!
I also wanted you to check out this youtube video I happened upon almost accidentally: Distinction Between Curing and Healing by Michael Lerner PhD. There is a difference, and while we seek a cure, we need even more to be healed. I loved that he dealt with "mental healing", and that he spoke "the toxic new age idea of keeping a positive attitude when we have cancer". It is more healing to really deal with and experience all of the emotions we have with our diagnosis, negative or otherwise. When I was diagnosed I got very weary of all of the people who told me I needed a "positive mental attitude" to beat it...it's not true!! A cancer diagnosis normally comes with a lot of negative emotions. Dealing with them and expressing them is a normal part of our experience. A part of our healing.
I talked to a woman diagnosed with appendix cancer today....she was told she was terminally ill (as I was initially) by a doctor not familiar with appendix cancer. She is devastated as she has four young children. I know of many others who are told the same thing. It's a common prognostic by those unfamiliar with our rare disease. We ALL need to be seen by an appendix cancer specialists familiar with our disease when we are diagnosed. Usually we have to travel as there are not specialists local to us (I traveled 750 miles). If you are newly diagnosed, PLEASE see a specialist before making treatment decisions! We have to be our own advocates. Many very good surgeons and oncologists just don't know enough about our rare disease, they don't see it often. Specialists have seen hundreds of cases. I had an initial "poor prognosis" by one oncologist and terminal diagnosis by another and am weeks away from being 10 years cancer free.
Also, I just communicated with a woman who is a 33 year survivor of our cancer! She's the longest survivor I've known of so far. I asked her to write her survivor story for my web site/blog. I hope she does!
I also wanted you to check out this youtube video I happened upon almost accidentally: Distinction Between Curing and Healing by Michael Lerner PhD. There is a difference, and while we seek a cure, we need even more to be healed. I loved that he dealt with "mental healing", and that he spoke "the toxic new age idea of keeping a positive attitude when we have cancer". It is more healing to really deal with and experience all of the emotions we have with our diagnosis, negative or otherwise. When I was diagnosed I got very weary of all of the people who told me I needed a "positive mental attitude" to beat it...it's not true!! A cancer diagnosis normally comes with a lot of negative emotions. Dealing with them and expressing them is a normal part of our experience. A part of our healing.
SOB
No, it doesn't mean son of a bitch. SOB is medical alphabet soup for shortness of breath, which I've had the past two days, along with some pain upon a deep inhale. Nothing hurts when I press against the area, so I may be anemic (required a blood transfusion a few weeks ago). Or there may be a tumor pressing against a rib, or my liver, or a lung. I don't want to self-diagnose, so I will report these symptoms to Dr G tomorrow and find out what he thinks.
Meanwhile last night it was challenging to walk from the restaurant to the car (although I did eat a big dinner -- yay post-Passover pizza!). In order to breathe easily, I fell asleep on my back last night. Back pain woke me after an hour and a half. I couldn't get comfortable and started to grow anxious about not being able to breathe deeply. Some Ativan helped me relax and fall sound asleep until 9 AM.
I see Dr G in the morning and will report all these symptoms to him, as well as get his take on next steps in treatment.
Meanwhile last night it was challenging to walk from the restaurant to the car (although I did eat a big dinner -- yay post-Passover pizza!). In order to breathe easily, I fell asleep on my back last night. Back pain woke me after an hour and a half. I couldn't get comfortable and started to grow anxious about not being able to breathe deeply. Some Ativan helped me relax and fall sound asleep until 9 AM.
I see Dr G in the morning and will report all these symptoms to him, as well as get his take on next steps in treatment.
Healthy Spirits: New Arrivals
1. Uinta Crooked Line Cockeyed Cooper Bourbon Barrel Barleywine
2. Uinta Crooked Line Labyrinth Black Ale (Imperial Stout aged in Rye whiskey barrels with
licorice)
3. Uinta Crooked Line Tilted Smile Imperial Pilsner
4. Uinta Crooked Line Detour Double IPA
5. Lost Abbey Red Barn
6. Deschutes Jubel 2010 (last case in the warehouse, when it's gone it's gone!)
7. Ommegang Gnommegang (Brasserie D'Achouffe/Ommegang Collaboration Blonde Ale)
8. Pretty Things Jack D'Or
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
2. Uinta Crooked Line Labyrinth Black Ale (Imperial Stout aged in Rye whiskey barrels with
licorice)
3. Uinta Crooked Line Tilted Smile Imperial Pilsner
4. Uinta Crooked Line Detour Double IPA
5. Lost Abbey Red Barn
6. Deschutes Jubel 2010 (last case in the warehouse, when it's gone it's gone!)
7. Ommegang Gnommegang (Brasserie D'Achouffe/Ommegang Collaboration Blonde Ale)
8. Pretty Things Jack D'Or
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
School Board Directors to Re-Advertise for Asbestos Removal
Even with construction projects on-hold in a local school district, board directors approved for potentially-harmful fibers to be removed from two schools.
Armstrong School District board directors approved advertising for asbestos abatement within Ford City Jr. –Sr. High School and Kittanning Sr. High School – two schools which will possibly be renovated in the current construction plan – potentially this summer.
According to previous advertisements, asbestos removal at Ford City Jr. – Sr. High School is estimated to cost $350,000. The same work is to cost approximately $450,000 at Kittanning Sr. High School.
Directors previously advertised for bidders last month, but bids were not opened because it is unknown whether the construction projects will proceed. The projects are currently on-hold pending a Pennsylvania Department of Education (PDE) Act 34 public hearing at Elderton High School Thursday, April 28 at 7PM.
Asbestos abatement must be done before the construction projects can begin, but is not reimbursable through the Pennsylvania Department of Education.
Action to seek bids for both schools was passed 5-4 with Board Members Chris Choncek, James Rearic, Joseph Close and Steven Kozuch voting against the action.
Choncek explained why he voted to seek results from Thursday’s hearing on construction projects before deciding on the abatement.
“The state’s not sure, and everyone’s not sure if this is going to go through -that we’re going to get the reimbursement – so until that is determined from this Act 34 state-sponsored hearing, stop all the projects involved in this renovation because they would not be doing the asbestos abatement if it was not for the renovation project,” Choncek said.
Board directors have not discussed a contingency plan if construction plans are not approved by the state, which Choncek said might alter some board members’ plans.
“If we don’t get reimbursed and they don’t approve the project, obviously some of that stuff is going to have to change,” Choncek said.
According to PDE, Departmental approval of PlanCon Part F (construction documents) for a project does not guarantee reimbursement for that project. A project is deemed eligible for reimbursement only upon written Departmental approval of PlanCon Part G, Project Accounting Based on Bids.
Because the asbestos removal could potentially be done at a different time than the construction projects, Board Member Steven Kozuch said he is not in the board majority that approved the asbestos bidding.
“I have not backed the separation of the asbestos abatement from the project from Day One when it was first proposed,” Kozuch said. “I’m in favor of it being done, but I wasn’t in favor of it being separate from the rest of the project.”
L.R. Kimball architects will advertise for the asbestos removal three times before bids are opened.
Source : http://www.kittanningpaper.com/2011/04/26/school-board-directors-to-re-advertise-for-asbestos-removal/16362
Armstrong School District board directors approved advertising for asbestos abatement within Ford City Jr. –Sr. High School and Kittanning Sr. High School – two schools which will possibly be renovated in the current construction plan – potentially this summer.
According to previous advertisements, asbestos removal at Ford City Jr. – Sr. High School is estimated to cost $350,000. The same work is to cost approximately $450,000 at Kittanning Sr. High School.
Directors previously advertised for bidders last month, but bids were not opened because it is unknown whether the construction projects will proceed. The projects are currently on-hold pending a Pennsylvania Department of Education (PDE) Act 34 public hearing at Elderton High School Thursday, April 28 at 7PM.
Asbestos abatement must be done before the construction projects can begin, but is not reimbursable through the Pennsylvania Department of Education.
Action to seek bids for both schools was passed 5-4 with Board Members Chris Choncek, James Rearic, Joseph Close and Steven Kozuch voting against the action.
Choncek explained why he voted to seek results from Thursday’s hearing on construction projects before deciding on the abatement.
“The state’s not sure, and everyone’s not sure if this is going to go through -that we’re going to get the reimbursement – so until that is determined from this Act 34 state-sponsored hearing, stop all the projects involved in this renovation because they would not be doing the asbestos abatement if it was not for the renovation project,” Choncek said.
Board directors have not discussed a contingency plan if construction plans are not approved by the state, which Choncek said might alter some board members’ plans.
“If we don’t get reimbursed and they don’t approve the project, obviously some of that stuff is going to have to change,” Choncek said.
According to PDE, Departmental approval of PlanCon Part F (construction documents) for a project does not guarantee reimbursement for that project. A project is deemed eligible for reimbursement only upon written Departmental approval of PlanCon Part G, Project Accounting Based on Bids.
Because the asbestos removal could potentially be done at a different time than the construction projects, Board Member Steven Kozuch said he is not in the board majority that approved the asbestos bidding.
“I have not backed the separation of the asbestos abatement from the project from Day One when it was first proposed,” Kozuch said. “I’m in favor of it being done, but I wasn’t in favor of it being separate from the rest of the project.”
L.R. Kimball architects will advertise for the asbestos removal three times before bids are opened.
Source : http://www.kittanningpaper.com/2011/04/26/school-board-directors-to-re-advertise-for-asbestos-removal/16362
Former Bills player faces asbestos charge
A Buffalo firefighter who briefly played fullback for the Buffalo Bills was criminally charged on Friday with illegally handling asbestos.
Sean P. Doctor, 44, of Buffalo, was charged with a felony violation of the federal Clean Air Act, the U. S. Attorney’s office said.
In addition to working as a city firefighter, Doctor owns and operates a Grand Islandbased asbestos removal firm called S. D. Specialty Services, according to prosecutor Aaron J. Mango and the U. S. Environmental Protection Agency.
Investigators from the federal Environmental Protection Agency and the state Department of Environmental Conservation said they conducted a court-authorized raid on the company’s property at 1815 Love Road.
Investigators found a “significant amount” of asbestos waste that had not been properly secured, labeled or disposed of, EPA Special Agents Justus Derx said in court papers after the April 19 raid.
Asbestos that is not wetted down, put into secure bags and disposed of could be blown about by the wind and cause health problems for people who live near the Love Road property, authorities said.
“Through investigation, it was determined that the asbestos-containing material on the site came from projects that [Doctor] had worked on,” Mango said.
Before joining the Fire Department, Doctor was a football star for Marshall University. He was drafted by the Bills in April 1989. After a suspension for steroid use, he played briefly for the team before he was cut early in the 1990 season.
“Sean is a wonderful guy who does a good job on asbestos removal,” Doctor’s attorney, Michael T. Kelly, told The Buffalo News. “The rules and regulations on handling asbestos are absolutely mind-boggling. I do feel that he will be cleared of these charges.”
During a court appearance Friday before Magistrate Judge H. Kenneth Schroeder Jr., Mango said state safety inspectors recently found that employees who worked for Doctor on a project in Watertown were not using required safety equipment.
Doctor was released on nonfinancial bond while he awaits further proceedings.
Source : http://www.buffalonews.com/city/article400543.ece
Sean P. Doctor, 44, of Buffalo, was charged with a felony violation of the federal Clean Air Act, the U. S. Attorney’s office said.
In addition to working as a city firefighter, Doctor owns and operates a Grand Islandbased asbestos removal firm called S. D. Specialty Services, according to prosecutor Aaron J. Mango and the U. S. Environmental Protection Agency.
Investigators from the federal Environmental Protection Agency and the state Department of Environmental Conservation said they conducted a court-authorized raid on the company’s property at 1815 Love Road.
Investigators found a “significant amount” of asbestos waste that had not been properly secured, labeled or disposed of, EPA Special Agents Justus Derx said in court papers after the April 19 raid.
Asbestos that is not wetted down, put into secure bags and disposed of could be blown about by the wind and cause health problems for people who live near the Love Road property, authorities said.
“Through investigation, it was determined that the asbestos-containing material on the site came from projects that [Doctor] had worked on,” Mango said.
Before joining the Fire Department, Doctor was a football star for Marshall University. He was drafted by the Bills in April 1989. After a suspension for steroid use, he played briefly for the team before he was cut early in the 1990 season.
“Sean is a wonderful guy who does a good job on asbestos removal,” Doctor’s attorney, Michael T. Kelly, told The Buffalo News. “The rules and regulations on handling asbestos are absolutely mind-boggling. I do feel that he will be cleared of these charges.”
During a court appearance Friday before Magistrate Judge H. Kenneth Schroeder Jr., Mango said state safety inspectors recently found that employees who worked for Doctor on a project in Watertown were not using required safety equipment.
Doctor was released on nonfinancial bond while he awaits further proceedings.
Source : http://www.buffalonews.com/city/article400543.ece
Fitness fruits of cultivating your own garden
Spring is here and people everywhere are getting back to their gardens.
Experts say whether you're planting lilacs, squash or roses when it comes to the fitness benefits of all that pulling, digging, mulching and mowing, you'll reap what you sow.
"You get exercise whether you're mowing the lawn or planting a flower garden," said Bruce Butterfield, market research director of the nonprofit National Gardening Association (NGA).
"Some of it is more rigorous, some less," he added.
Last year about 68 per cent of all U.S. households participated in one or more types of do-it yourself lawn and garden activities, according to a national Harris Poll conducted by the NGA.
"That's about 80 million households," Butterfield said.
And a 2009 poll found that of those, 38 per cent gave gardening a green thumbs up as a great form of exercise.
The effort involved in planting a garden, such as standing, stooping, kneeling, watering, and weeding, can burn more than 300 calories an hour, according to the American College of Sports Medicine's (ACSM) Health and Fitness Journal.
Neal Pire, an exercise physiologist with ACSM, said lower back stress is the most common weed in the fitness garden, especially if, after a winter of inactivity, you run outdoors on first day of spring to garden the day away.
"Start slowly," he advises, "and progress a little more each successive day."
Jeffrey Restuccio, author of book "Get Fit Through Gardening," is a martial arts expert keen to transform gardening, generally categorized as a moderate-intensity exercise, into a comprehensive fitness program.
"It's the difference between being sore and having an aerobic activity," said Restuccio, who urges gardeners to lower their centers of gravity to more of a boxing stance, and crank up the cardio with lunges and moves from Tai Chi and Tae Kwan Do.
"You're gardening to exercise not exercising to garden," he said.
Whether you're after blossoms or biceps, proper form is key to safety, according to Jessica Matthews, an exercise physiologist with the American Council on Exercise.
"Sometimes I watch friends garden and the body mechanics are horrendous," Matthews observed. "Make sure you're bending at the knees, and using your leg muscles to perform good movement."
Gardening can work both the cardio and resistance components of fitness, Matthews explained.
"Cardiovascular involves movements like mowing the lawn with a push mover, raking or blowing leaves," she said. "Resistance would focus on pulling weeds, hoeing, and digging."
Nationwide, the average time spent on gardening activities is 3.4 hours a week per gardening household, according to the NGA, which considers a household 2.5 people. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends that adults should have at least 150 minutes of moderate intensity aerobic activity per week.
"But other things can supplement," Matthews said. "Warming up is always ideal. Start with a 10-minute walk to loosen those muscles, get heart rate up, and add a little more exercise. Throw in some stretches," she said.
Source: http://www.theprovince.com/health/Fitness+fruits+cultivating+your+garden/4670879/story.html
Experts say whether you're planting lilacs, squash or roses when it comes to the fitness benefits of all that pulling, digging, mulching and mowing, you'll reap what you sow.
"You get exercise whether you're mowing the lawn or planting a flower garden," said Bruce Butterfield, market research director of the nonprofit National Gardening Association (NGA).
"Some of it is more rigorous, some less," he added.
Last year about 68 per cent of all U.S. households participated in one or more types of do-it yourself lawn and garden activities, according to a national Harris Poll conducted by the NGA.
"That's about 80 million households," Butterfield said.
And a 2009 poll found that of those, 38 per cent gave gardening a green thumbs up as a great form of exercise.
The effort involved in planting a garden, such as standing, stooping, kneeling, watering, and weeding, can burn more than 300 calories an hour, according to the American College of Sports Medicine's (ACSM) Health and Fitness Journal.
Neal Pire, an exercise physiologist with ACSM, said lower back stress is the most common weed in the fitness garden, especially if, after a winter of inactivity, you run outdoors on first day of spring to garden the day away.
"Start slowly," he advises, "and progress a little more each successive day."
Jeffrey Restuccio, author of book "Get Fit Through Gardening," is a martial arts expert keen to transform gardening, generally categorized as a moderate-intensity exercise, into a comprehensive fitness program.
"It's the difference between being sore and having an aerobic activity," said Restuccio, who urges gardeners to lower their centers of gravity to more of a boxing stance, and crank up the cardio with lunges and moves from Tai Chi and Tae Kwan Do.
"You're gardening to exercise not exercising to garden," he said.
Whether you're after blossoms or biceps, proper form is key to safety, according to Jessica Matthews, an exercise physiologist with the American Council on Exercise.
"Sometimes I watch friends garden and the body mechanics are horrendous," Matthews observed. "Make sure you're bending at the knees, and using your leg muscles to perform good movement."
Gardening can work both the cardio and resistance components of fitness, Matthews explained.
"Cardiovascular involves movements like mowing the lawn with a push mover, raking or blowing leaves," she said. "Resistance would focus on pulling weeds, hoeing, and digging."
Nationwide, the average time spent on gardening activities is 3.4 hours a week per gardening household, according to the NGA, which considers a household 2.5 people. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends that adults should have at least 150 minutes of moderate intensity aerobic activity per week.
"But other things can supplement," Matthews said. "Warming up is always ideal. Start with a 10-minute walk to loosen those muscles, get heart rate up, and add a little more exercise. Throw in some stretches," she said.
Source: http://www.theprovince.com/health/Fitness+fruits+cultivating+your+garden/4670879/story.html
Man exposed workers to asbestos
A man who exposed his young, inexperienced workers to asbestos without providing them with the proper gear has dodged a prison sentence.
Arthur Moore was ordered to stop his asbestos abatement business in an August 2010 ruling by a B.C. Supreme Court judge.
But he continued to carry on work, sometimes using recovering drug and alcohol addicts from the Lion Wellness Recovery House in Surrey, where some clients are required to find a job as part of their recovery program.
WorkSafe B.C. made an application to have Moore found in contempt of court and sentenced to up to 120 days in jail for continuing to do asbestos work despite the injunction.
Justice Jeanne Watchuk dismissed WorkSafe B.C.'s application on a technicality in her B.C. Supreme Court ruling dated April 11 this year.
Watchuk found Moore would get his vulnerable, young workers to remove asbestos from jobs he had successfully bid on "without providing protective equipment to his employees."
Asbestos was a popular building material for its fire-retardant properties up to the 1970s. That changed when it was determined asbestos is a slow killer, claiming its victims 10 to 20 years after they were exposed to the substance.
It is the biggest cause of workrelated deaths in B.C. -53 of the 121 death claims in B.C. in 2009 were asbestos-related.
Although Watchuk found Moore "poses a significant public safety concern" and "targeted ... vulnerable workers," she dismissed the application to have him jailed.
Some of Moore's workers were as young as 14, the judge heard.
Moore had told his employees to run if any WorkSafe B.C. personnel appeared on site, one witness testified.
With no assets -not even a driver's licence -Moore, who has used a number of aliases, has escaped punishment for his misdeeds. He did not show up at the two-day hearing before Justice Watchuk.
Al Johnson of WorkSafe B.C. said people offering to do asbestos inspections and removal aren't required to be licensed. It's buyer beware, he said, noting homeowners should check references.
"Asbestos materials in place, for the most part, aren't dangerous. It's when they are disturbed and the fibres get into the air [where they can be inhaled]. "You can't see them, you can't smell them, you can't taste them," he said. "The fibres go deep into the lungs."
aivens@theprovince.com
twitter.com/andyivens
Source : http://www.theprovince.com/health/exposed+workers+asbestos/4674009/story.html
Arthur Moore was ordered to stop his asbestos abatement business in an August 2010 ruling by a B.C. Supreme Court judge.
But he continued to carry on work, sometimes using recovering drug and alcohol addicts from the Lion Wellness Recovery House in Surrey, where some clients are required to find a job as part of their recovery program.
WorkSafe B.C. made an application to have Moore found in contempt of court and sentenced to up to 120 days in jail for continuing to do asbestos work despite the injunction.
Justice Jeanne Watchuk dismissed WorkSafe B.C.'s application on a technicality in her B.C. Supreme Court ruling dated April 11 this year.
Watchuk found Moore would get his vulnerable, young workers to remove asbestos from jobs he had successfully bid on "without providing protective equipment to his employees."
Asbestos was a popular building material for its fire-retardant properties up to the 1970s. That changed when it was determined asbestos is a slow killer, claiming its victims 10 to 20 years after they were exposed to the substance.
It is the biggest cause of workrelated deaths in B.C. -53 of the 121 death claims in B.C. in 2009 were asbestos-related.
Although Watchuk found Moore "poses a significant public safety concern" and "targeted ... vulnerable workers," she dismissed the application to have him jailed.
Some of Moore's workers were as young as 14, the judge heard.
Moore had told his employees to run if any WorkSafe B.C. personnel appeared on site, one witness testified.
With no assets -not even a driver's licence -Moore, who has used a number of aliases, has escaped punishment for his misdeeds. He did not show up at the two-day hearing before Justice Watchuk.
Al Johnson of WorkSafe B.C. said people offering to do asbestos inspections and removal aren't required to be licensed. It's buyer beware, he said, noting homeowners should check references.
"Asbestos materials in place, for the most part, aren't dangerous. It's when they are disturbed and the fibres get into the air [where they can be inhaled]. "You can't see them, you can't smell them, you can't taste them," he said. "The fibres go deep into the lungs."
aivens@theprovince.com
twitter.com/andyivens
Source : http://www.theprovince.com/health/exposed+workers+asbestos/4674009/story.html
Asbestos Sampling Guidelines for the Prediction of Mesothelioma
Despite its established threat to human health, asbestos was once extensively used in construction and manufacturing projects. Although asbestos use is now firmly regulated in the United States, construction projects are often conducted at sites where the mineral naturally occurs or at buildings where asbestos products were used. Sampling tests are commonly used to estimate the amount of asbestos disturbed by the construction as well as the health risk posed to workers.
Samples taken from asbestos worksites are most commonly used to assess the risk for construction workers, individuals who pass through the worksites during construction, workers employed at the finished worksite and residents who live near the area. Calculations project the risk of developing an asbestos-related illness such as malignant mesothelioma, as well as absolute risk, which is the chance of death from a complication of cumulative asbestos exposure.
Risk assessments for asbestos-related diseases are based on the level and extent of a person’s asbestos exposure. Extent includes the number of hours per day, days per year and total years that were spent in an asbestos-contaminated worksite. While extent varies from person to person, the precise level of exposure at a given worksite is determined by analyzing an air or soil sample.
The soil collection method currently used is the Berman and Crump approach. During this process, a soil sample is suspended in a machine called an elutriator. The filters in the machine collect the particles. A microscopic evaluation of the filters projects an estimate of asbestos concentrations in the soil. The modified elutriator method, adopted in 2000, uses the number of overall asbestos structures in the soil to also anticipate the quantity of airborne asbestos.
In September 2008, a new air sampling approach was introduced to more closely reflect the conditions created by the actual construction process. This approach analyzes breathing zone samples taken after soil is mechanically disturbed. Known as activity-based sampling, this method more adequately reflects the risk of asbestos inhalation during common construction activities.
After sampling has been conducted, data quality must be considered and reports must be checked for completion. This process ensures the submission of an accurate report for publication.
Additional information on asbestos and its role in the development of mesothelioma may be found through the Mesothelioma Center.
Source : http://www.asbestos.com/news/2011/04/25/asbestos-sampling-guidelines-for-the-prediction-of-mesothelioma/
Samples taken from asbestos worksites are most commonly used to assess the risk for construction workers, individuals who pass through the worksites during construction, workers employed at the finished worksite and residents who live near the area. Calculations project the risk of developing an asbestos-related illness such as malignant mesothelioma, as well as absolute risk, which is the chance of death from a complication of cumulative asbestos exposure.
Risk assessments for asbestos-related diseases are based on the level and extent of a person’s asbestos exposure. Extent includes the number of hours per day, days per year and total years that were spent in an asbestos-contaminated worksite. While extent varies from person to person, the precise level of exposure at a given worksite is determined by analyzing an air or soil sample.
The soil collection method currently used is the Berman and Crump approach. During this process, a soil sample is suspended in a machine called an elutriator. The filters in the machine collect the particles. A microscopic evaluation of the filters projects an estimate of asbestos concentrations in the soil. The modified elutriator method, adopted in 2000, uses the number of overall asbestos structures in the soil to also anticipate the quantity of airborne asbestos.
In September 2008, a new air sampling approach was introduced to more closely reflect the conditions created by the actual construction process. This approach analyzes breathing zone samples taken after soil is mechanically disturbed. Known as activity-based sampling, this method more adequately reflects the risk of asbestos inhalation during common construction activities.
After sampling has been conducted, data quality must be considered and reports must be checked for completion. This process ensures the submission of an accurate report for publication.
Additional information on asbestos and its role in the development of mesothelioma may be found through the Mesothelioma Center.
Source : http://www.asbestos.com/news/2011/04/25/asbestos-sampling-guidelines-for-the-prediction-of-mesothelioma/
Surgery is Inappropriate for Some Mesothelioma Patients
Patients with non-epithelial mesothelioma and lymph node involvement are poor candidates for the extensive surgical procedure known as extrapleural pneumonectomy (EPP), according to a new study.
That’s the finding of a new article published in the Annals of Surgical Oncology. Researchers from the Baird Institute for Applied Heart and Lung Surgical Research in Sydney, Australia analyzed the current literature on EPP for malignant pleural mesothelioma. They examined the patient selection process and overall survival of surgical patients in major referral centers where EPP is performed.
The most serious of the asbestos cancers, mesothelioma tends to spread quickly and is notoriously resistant to standard treatments. Clinical trials across the globe have confirmed that the best mesothelioma outcomes are seen in patients who undergo EPP, followed by adjuvant therapies such as chemotherapy and/or radiotherapy.
In the new review article, seventeen studies from 13 institutions were found to offer the most complete and up-to-date information for analysis. The authors report that “a number of quantitative, clinical and treatment-related factors were identified to have significant impact on overall survival.”
While the researchers found marked differences in the way different institutions select mesothelioma patients for surgery, they found that, across the board, patients who had sarcomatoid or biphasic mesothelioma did not fair as well after surgery as those who had the epithelioid type. Likewise, mesothelioma patients whose cancer had spread to their lymph nodes also did not do as well after surgery as patients whose tumors were confined to the mesothelium. In their conclusion, the researchers suggest that these patients be excluded from consideration for EPP.
EPP, which involves removing not only the cancerous tissue but, often, a lung or portion of a lung, carries serious risk of complication or even death. Careful selection of mesothelioma surgical candidates, say the study’s authors, not only improves outcomes for the right patients, but protects those who are not good surgical candidates from undergoing a risky operation for limited benefit.
Sources:
Cao, C et al, “Summary of Prognostic Factors and Patient Selection for Extrapleural Pneumonectomy int eh Treatment of Malignant Pleural Mesothelioma”, April 22, 2011, Annals of Surgical Oncology.
Source 2 : http://www.survivingmesothelioma.com/news/view.asp?ID=001076
That’s the finding of a new article published in the Annals of Surgical Oncology. Researchers from the Baird Institute for Applied Heart and Lung Surgical Research in Sydney, Australia analyzed the current literature on EPP for malignant pleural mesothelioma. They examined the patient selection process and overall survival of surgical patients in major referral centers where EPP is performed.
The most serious of the asbestos cancers, mesothelioma tends to spread quickly and is notoriously resistant to standard treatments. Clinical trials across the globe have confirmed that the best mesothelioma outcomes are seen in patients who undergo EPP, followed by adjuvant therapies such as chemotherapy and/or radiotherapy.
In the new review article, seventeen studies from 13 institutions were found to offer the most complete and up-to-date information for analysis. The authors report that “a number of quantitative, clinical and treatment-related factors were identified to have significant impact on overall survival.”
While the researchers found marked differences in the way different institutions select mesothelioma patients for surgery, they found that, across the board, patients who had sarcomatoid or biphasic mesothelioma did not fair as well after surgery as those who had the epithelioid type. Likewise, mesothelioma patients whose cancer had spread to their lymph nodes also did not do as well after surgery as patients whose tumors were confined to the mesothelium. In their conclusion, the researchers suggest that these patients be excluded from consideration for EPP.
EPP, which involves removing not only the cancerous tissue but, often, a lung or portion of a lung, carries serious risk of complication or even death. Careful selection of mesothelioma surgical candidates, say the study’s authors, not only improves outcomes for the right patients, but protects those who are not good surgical candidates from undergoing a risky operation for limited benefit.
Sources:
Cao, C et al, “Summary of Prognostic Factors and Patient Selection for Extrapleural Pneumonectomy int eh Treatment of Malignant Pleural Mesothelioma”, April 22, 2011, Annals of Surgical Oncology.
Source 2 : http://www.survivingmesothelioma.com/news/view.asp?ID=001076
Monday, April 25, 2011
I have been remiss
Please excuse Cancer Bitch's absence from her blog for the past week. Wait--it's been longer than that. She's been, uh, observing Passover. Obsessing about her failing dental implant? Overwhelmed by the New York Times Magazine articles on cancer last week and wondering how to summarize them and then as more time passed, figuring that it was too late and time to write about the next new cancer thing which is what?
***
The bad thing about hanging out with people w/ cancer is that they can die on you.
Friday was the funeral of Cindy Gerstner, whom I knew from ROW. Just below is a picture of Cindy with her daughter at a ROW open house last year. When I met her, her cancer was already Stage 4, but she was rowing with the rest of us. She was one of the few if not the only one of us who'd rowed in college. She spoke at our fundraiser in September and came to our regatta in Wisconsin that fall, even though she didn't row.
Our coach J wrote about Cindy in her blog. Cindy was a professor of biology and ecology and she was so very matter-of-fact about her disease. There are other women in ROW who are Stage 4--for some reason they are the trimmest and strongest-looking of our bunch. They remind us that cancer is more than fun and games.
***
The bad thing about hanging out with people w/ cancer is that they can die on you.
Friday was the funeral of Cindy Gerstner, whom I knew from ROW. Just below is a picture of Cindy with her daughter at a ROW open house last year. When I met her, her cancer was already Stage 4, but she was rowing with the rest of us. She was one of the few if not the only one of us who'd rowed in college. She spoke at our fundraiser in September and came to our regatta in Wisconsin that fall, even though she didn't row.
Our coach J wrote about Cindy in her blog. Cindy was a professor of biology and ecology and she was so very matter-of-fact about her disease. There are other women in ROW who are Stage 4--for some reason they are the trimmest and strongest-looking of our bunch. They remind us that cancer is more than fun and games.
Ultrasound
Last week I had another abdominal ultrasound. Dr G likes to go back and forth on imaging scans. Sometimes I have a CT, sometimes an ultrasound, even occasionally an MRI. But he doesn't like me to have too much radioactive contrast, so last week's scan was an ultrasound.
My last ultrasound was in November, and my most recent CT was in February. I asked for, and have received, the radiologist's written report, since I won't see the oncologist until Thursday. However, I don't want to comment on it until I have Dr G's take on the scan and his projections on what to do next: continue on Gemzar, start a new chemo, or maybe try estrogen priming, something he's mentioned recently.
I'll know more on Thursday....
My last ultrasound was in November, and my most recent CT was in February. I asked for, and have received, the radiologist's written report, since I won't see the oncologist until Thursday. However, I don't want to comment on it until I have Dr G's take on the scan and his projections on what to do next: continue on Gemzar, start a new chemo, or maybe try estrogen priming, something he's mentioned recently.
I'll know more on Thursday....
Chronic insomnia
This not-sleeping business is for the birds. I get into bed around 11:30 PM and invariably fall asleep around 2:30 AM. How do I know this? It's the last time I look at the clock until 5:30 or 6 when Rik and Bobka the dog get up. Then I wake up again once an hour, every hour, until I give up and get out of bed around 9 AM.
Is it due to chemo? I have no answer for this one, but I haven't had treatment since April 11.
Is it due to tapering off the sertaline (anti-depressant)? I've only got a week more until I am off it completely, so we'll see what happens next week.
Is it due to not enough exercise? Even when I take the dog on a really long walk for 20 blocks, I still have trouble falling asleep at night.
Is it due to napping in the afternoon? Well, this is a no-brainer. But if I don't sleep at night, and I'm tired during the day plus fatigued from chemo, a nap seems inevitable.
Just grousing here -- I don't really want advice. But I am tired of being tired.
Is it due to chemo? I have no answer for this one, but I haven't had treatment since April 11.
Is it due to tapering off the sertaline (anti-depressant)? I've only got a week more until I am off it completely, so we'll see what happens next week.
Is it due to not enough exercise? Even when I take the dog on a really long walk for 20 blocks, I still have trouble falling asleep at night.
Is it due to napping in the afternoon? Well, this is a no-brainer. But if I don't sleep at night, and I'm tired during the day plus fatigued from chemo, a nap seems inevitable.
Just grousing here -- I don't really want advice. But I am tired of being tired.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Healthy Spirits: Stillwater/Mikkeller Collaborative Gypsy Ale: Our Side
Now in stock.
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
Thursday, April 21, 2011
A royal birth
April 29th is a special day. And it's not because I give a crap about the royal wedding--cuz I don't. But it's the day our baby is scheduled to be born. As I mentioned previously, this month has been pretty heavy with meaning and thought, from reflection on the third anniversary of my mastectomy to the question of when to have this baby, given the literal confines of my reconstructed body. Lots of hoping for the best, but realistically, it also means fearing the worst. I can't help it. I'm not one of those people that can turn a blind eye of denial to my fears. One example is that in preparing the house and our lives for a new baby, I have also factored in the possibility of losing her. It has only been one year and one week since we lost our son, Veo, to birth defects. So when I began unpacking all the new baby stuff we got, I didn't take some of the stuff out of the original packaging, or if I did, I collapsed the boxes and kept them safely in a pile in case I'd need to return the stuff to the store. Luckily, a friend of ours also gave us a ton of baby stuff, so if we don't end up using it, we can return it to her or donate it. But I just can't give the stuff a place, or count on having to use anything, just yet. I'm too scared to be that confident.
On Tuesday, when we found out the date scheduled for surgery, we were also told that what everyone had been planning all these months might not happen. When we found out we were having a baby, we began having appointments with both the OB and the plastic surgeon who has been involved with my case for over three years. The two of them were eager and happy to team up for this delivery, especially since it has never been done before. My plastic surgeon said she was especially excited because more and more of her breast cancer patients are young woman, who still want to and are capable of having kids post-cancer, and she wanted to see this experience through so she could tell them what to expect if they wanted to carry a pregnancy even if they've had a Tram-flap reconstruction. So the two doctors watched me grow and documented how my body has responded to the pregnancy over the past 35 weeks.
The last week and a half has been a rush to schedule a mutual day when the two doctors could do the surgery asap because my body is in quick deterioration from the strain of the baby's weight on my abdomen. But of course, it's not just about their schedules. They also have to find a time when the operating room is available. Their receptionists have been talking to one another; the docs have been talking to one another. On Tuesday, at our appointment with our OB, she nonchalantly told us that our plastic surgeon might not be able to make it at all. We were in shock. And no alternative was discussed. So the past few days, we've been tortured by waiting and unknowing. It feels to me like those horrible days when I'd wait and wait to hear word about when I was going to start chemo, or when I'd wait after getting some sort of blood test or scan done to tell me if my cancer metastasized. I emailed the surgeon's coordinator to see if I could get info from her. But nothing. I emailed her again to follow up, but all she said is that she hasn't been able to talk to the doc about it, and she hopes I have a nice long weekend. Then I thought, fuck, it's a long weekend! Everyone is off til fucking Tuesday! Does she really think I'm gonna have a nice long weekend when I'm worried out of my goddamn mind? I see the OB on Tuesday anyway, and then it's just three more days til the surgery.
I'm starting the process of accepting that things aren't going to go as planned, or at least I'm trying to accept that. I have to hope for the best, but now, even more so, I'm fearing the worst.
However, my body has been through so much, and despite all that, I'm still able to walk and mostly function as if nothing ever happened. There is something to be said about that. So things don't always go my way, so what? It's silly of me to expect that they would go my way, after all that has happened.
What do I dream of? Having a healthy baby girl, and having the strength to make it through the surgery and recovery process. What am I grateful for? My two happy, healthy, beautiful children...my endlessly loving, patient, handsome soulmate husband...my friends and family...and the fact that I can still laugh, even though I cry sometimes too. I guess my gratitude ends up trumping my fears. I don't regret how I've spent my time. And if I end up having more time to spend, I will cherish it all the more.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
On Tuesday, when we found out the date scheduled for surgery, we were also told that what everyone had been planning all these months might not happen. When we found out we were having a baby, we began having appointments with both the OB and the plastic surgeon who has been involved with my case for over three years. The two of them were eager and happy to team up for this delivery, especially since it has never been done before. My plastic surgeon said she was especially excited because more and more of her breast cancer patients are young woman, who still want to and are capable of having kids post-cancer, and she wanted to see this experience through so she could tell them what to expect if they wanted to carry a pregnancy even if they've had a Tram-flap reconstruction. So the two doctors watched me grow and documented how my body has responded to the pregnancy over the past 35 weeks.
The last week and a half has been a rush to schedule a mutual day when the two doctors could do the surgery asap because my body is in quick deterioration from the strain of the baby's weight on my abdomen. But of course, it's not just about their schedules. They also have to find a time when the operating room is available. Their receptionists have been talking to one another; the docs have been talking to one another. On Tuesday, at our appointment with our OB, she nonchalantly told us that our plastic surgeon might not be able to make it at all. We were in shock. And no alternative was discussed. So the past few days, we've been tortured by waiting and unknowing. It feels to me like those horrible days when I'd wait and wait to hear word about when I was going to start chemo, or when I'd wait after getting some sort of blood test or scan done to tell me if my cancer metastasized. I emailed the surgeon's coordinator to see if I could get info from her. But nothing. I emailed her again to follow up, but all she said is that she hasn't been able to talk to the doc about it, and she hopes I have a nice long weekend. Then I thought, fuck, it's a long weekend! Everyone is off til fucking Tuesday! Does she really think I'm gonna have a nice long weekend when I'm worried out of my goddamn mind? I see the OB on Tuesday anyway, and then it's just three more days til the surgery.
I'm starting the process of accepting that things aren't going to go as planned, or at least I'm trying to accept that. I have to hope for the best, but now, even more so, I'm fearing the worst.
However, my body has been through so much, and despite all that, I'm still able to walk and mostly function as if nothing ever happened. There is something to be said about that. So things don't always go my way, so what? It's silly of me to expect that they would go my way, after all that has happened.
What do I dream of? Having a healthy baby girl, and having the strength to make it through the surgery and recovery process. What am I grateful for? My two happy, healthy, beautiful children...my endlessly loving, patient, handsome soulmate husband...my friends and family...and the fact that I can still laugh, even though I cry sometimes too. I guess my gratitude ends up trumping my fears. I don't regret how I've spent my time. And if I end up having more time to spend, I will cherish it all the more.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Location:Vancouver
Passover baking
We're having a great visit with my mom. Between the seders, walking the dog in the rare Seattle sunshine, and doing a little shopping today, it's been a fun week.
I also did some more Passover baking today. Following the instructions for pate a choux in Julia Child's "Mastering The Art of French Cooking," I made matza meal rolls, which are basically the same thing made with matza meal and oil instead of flour and butter. They're a nice change from matza all the time!
Here is my family's recipe:
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 cup water
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon sugar
1 cup matza meal (or combine half matza cake meal)
4 eggs
In a saucepan, bring to a boil oil, water, salt and sugar. Add the matza meal all at once and stir vigorously with a long-handled spoon until the mixture pulls away form the sides of the pan. Cook and stir one more minute. Transfer to bowl of stand mixer.
Make a well in the center of the dough and beat in eggs one at a time. Make sure the paste is smooth before adding the next egg. Beat mixture until shiny and smooth.
With wet hands, shape into rolls about two inches wide and one inch tall (dough is very sticky). Place on an oiled or lined baking sheet about two inches apart. Bake at 425 degrees for 20 minutes. Reduce oven heat to 350 degrees and bake for 10-15 minutes longer. The rolls will double in height, puff up and be golden brown.
Remove pan from oven and make a one-inch slit in the side of each roll. Turn off the oven. Return the pan to the hot oven , and leave it in with the door open for 10 minutes.
Rolls this size will have damp centers, which Julia Child recommends removing through the slit with the handle of a teaspoon OR cutting the rolls into halves horizontally and removing the damp centers with a fork. Or you can just do what we do in my family, and ignore any damp spots and eat them hot from the oven with a little butter or cream cheese. Delicious!
* You can also make smaller rolls one inch in diameter and 1/2 inch high. Bake at 425 degrees for 20 minutes, slit the side with a knife, and return to the hot, turned-off oven for 10 minutes with the door open.
* To make cheese puff appetizers, beat one cup grated cheese into the warm dough.
* To turn into cream puffs, fill with ice cream or custard and top with chocolate glaze.
I also did some more Passover baking today. Following the instructions for pate a choux in Julia Child's "Mastering The Art of French Cooking," I made matza meal rolls, which are basically the same thing made with matza meal and oil instead of flour and butter. They're a nice change from matza all the time!Here is my family's recipe:
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 cup water
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon sugar
1 cup matza meal (or combine half matza cake meal)
4 eggs
Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
Make a well in the center of the dough and beat in eggs one at a time. Make sure the paste is smooth before adding the next egg. Beat mixture until shiny and smooth.
With wet hands, shape into rolls about two inches wide and one inch tall (dough is very sticky). Place on an oiled or lined baking sheet about two inches apart. Bake at 425 degrees for 20 minutes. Reduce oven heat to 350 degrees and bake for 10-15 minutes longer. The rolls will double in height, puff up and be golden brown.
Remove pan from oven and make a one-inch slit in the side of each roll. Turn off the oven. Return the pan to the hot oven , and leave it in with the door open for 10 minutes.
Rolls this size will have damp centers, which Julia Child recommends removing through the slit with the handle of a teaspoon OR cutting the rolls into halves horizontally and removing the damp centers with a fork. Or you can just do what we do in my family, and ignore any damp spots and eat them hot from the oven with a little butter or cream cheese. Delicious!
* You can also make smaller rolls one inch in diameter and 1/2 inch high. Bake at 425 degrees for 20 minutes, slit the side with a knife, and return to the hot, turned-off oven for 10 minutes with the door open.
* To make cheese puff appetizers, beat one cup grated cheese into the warm dough.
* To turn into cream puffs, fill with ice cream or custard and top with chocolate glaze.
i could lose myself in this.
Actually, I have.
Someone posted a link to Hyperbole and a Half on Facebook this morning and I was so tickled (and so willing to procrastinate that I got sucked right in. I now have no time to write but I think you'll enjoy her more anyway.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Passover update
 |
| I've been frogged! |
We had a great seder with ten family and friends. Between the Passover charades, the loud singing, throwing the frog plagues and giggling hysterically while N gargled the "water" part of Chad Gadya, we had a rocking good time.
Our menu:
 |
| Bubbe Sara's seder plate |
Sephardi charoset (dried fruits with Yemenite spices)
Fresh-grated horseradish root
Crudites with guacamole and onion confitGefilte fish with both white and red horseradish and hard-boiled eggs
Chicken soup with knaydlach (floaters, not sinkers)
Green salad
Roast turkey and chicken in white wine with artichokes, leeks and mushrooms
Quinoa with mixed vegetables
Francois Payard's chocolate-nut cookies Coconut macaroonsAnd matzah, and LOTS of wine, including a Canadian Okanogan Valley ice wine for the final two cups.
If you celebrated Pesach, I hope your holiday was as much fun as ours!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
not about the Beatles
I don't have the energy to write anything of substance today, so I thought I'd share a little bit of silliness from my writing class last night.
Our teacher instructed us to "write about the Beatles" and this is what happened for me:
"When I think of the Beatles, I think of the Rolling Stones. I was a teenager in the 80s and both groups had already passed into iconic status. Which band was better in my mind? The answer, to my adolescent self anyway, seemed obvious.Paul was cute. John was smart (and tragic) and I couldn't even imagine what the other two guys looked like. But Mick...Mick was hot. With those eyes, those lips, that hair. And those hips.I couldn't have told you whose music was better, more complex, which group would have staying power.I just knew that the Beatles were pretty but Mick made me feel warm in places this Catholic girl wasn't supposed to think about."
Monday, April 18, 2011
Happy Passover!
The house is clean, the cooking is done, the table is set, and I've got a short break before we begin celebrating Passover with family (my mom) and friends (family of the heart).
My favorite line from the haggadah goes like this: In every generation, every individual should feel as though he or she had actiually been redeemed from Egypt.
The Hebrew word for Egypt is mitsrayim, meaning "from the narrow places." So going forth from Egypt refers to going from slavery to freedom, as well as it can mean leaving our troubles behind us. Many of us carry our narrow places with us all the time. For me, living with advanced cancer is that narrow place. I try not to carry it around with me, but life in CancerLand is an ever-present constant in my life.
This Pesach I celebrate that I have the strength to clean the house, make the seder, and enjoy being with family of all kinds. Again I will try to leave my personal mitsrayim behind and enter into the freedom of enjoying life.
My favorite line from the haggadah goes like this: In every generation, every individual should feel as though he or she had actiually been redeemed from Egypt.
The Hebrew word for Egypt is mitsrayim, meaning "from the narrow places." So going forth from Egypt refers to going from slavery to freedom, as well as it can mean leaving our troubles behind us. Many of us carry our narrow places with us all the time. For me, living with advanced cancer is that narrow place. I try not to carry it around with me, but life in CancerLand is an ever-present constant in my life.
This Pesach I celebrate that I have the strength to clean the house, make the seder, and enjoy being with family of all kinds. Again I will try to leave my personal mitsrayim behind and enter into the freedom of enjoying life.
bittersweet moment
Yesterday afternoon, my baby fell asleep on my chest.
He's almost 8 now and it had been years since this happened. He had two late nights followed by two early mornings, and he'd been tired and cranky. I suggested we curl up in bed for some quiet time. He had a new book to crack open and he was keen.
But after awhile he grew restless. We talked about putting on a movie. I told him I felt tired and lazy. He said he did, too. After a few moments of lying quietly, his breath began to slow.
Suddenly, he sat up, “Mama, could you stop feeling so lazy. I thought we were going to watch a movie!”
“We could do that,” I answered. “But I thought we were going to have a little snooze first.”
To my surprise, he said, “OK. I'll have a little snooze.” He put his head on my chest, and within seconds was sleeping soundly.
We lay there like that for more than an hour (at one point he woke up, said “Where'd my book go?” I said, “You've been sleeping.” He said “Oh!” and went back to sleep), and I was blissed out. I was happy to have my book within reach but I spent a long time just looking at him, listening to him breathe and loving the feel of his weight on my chest.
As I said, this was the first time this had happened in years. And it was quite possibly the last.
All too soon, he woke and we went on with our afternoon. If I close my eyes and listen to my own slow breaths, I can still feel his weight on my chest.
Runnin Fool, Part II
Jay found this race online and signed me up for it. I don't know why:
I ran the "Dorothy Dash 5k", which was way, way, way easier than running over the bridge last week. The weather was cold and the course was flat, and I remained friends with Bon Jovi the whole way. Oddly, I only improved my time from last week by about 30 seconds, but I had a much better time this time. I even remembered to smile when I saw a race photographer.
WCK looked at the above picture and pointed out that the Scarecrow probably wouldn't do very well in a marathon, because he'd fall down. I have to agree, although I think he'd do much better than the Tin Man, who has no business running a race. A) He has no muscle flexibility, and B) the second he got sweaty, he'd just rust. Maybe the Munchkins set up oil stands around the course, though. I picture the Tin Man running by, grabbing a tiny cup of oil and pouring it on himself. Still, I think Dorothy could kick all their butts in a race, provided she had the right shoes.
I ran the "Dorothy Dash 5k", which was way, way, way easier than running over the bridge last week. The weather was cold and the course was flat, and I remained friends with Bon Jovi the whole way. Oddly, I only improved my time from last week by about 30 seconds, but I had a much better time this time. I even remembered to smile when I saw a race photographer.
WCK looked at the above picture and pointed out that the Scarecrow probably wouldn't do very well in a marathon, because he'd fall down. I have to agree, although I think he'd do much better than the Tin Man, who has no business running a race. A) He has no muscle flexibility, and B) the second he got sweaty, he'd just rust. Maybe the Munchkins set up oil stands around the course, though. I picture the Tin Man running by, grabbing a tiny cup of oil and pouring it on himself. Still, I think Dorothy could kick all their butts in a race, provided she had the right shoes.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Rest not...
"...life is sweeping by; go and dare before you die. Something mighty and sublime, leave behind to conquer time."
(Goethe)
(Goethe)
Friday, April 15, 2011
i can relate to this...
...and so can, I would wager, anyone who has been harassed by condescended to infantilized by dealt with an insurance company on health related matters.
Especially if you have been on long-term disability for any length of time, you can expect regular correspondence. Blogger Katherine describes this experience:
"But as sure as the swallows return to Capistrano, every March CIGNA sends me information on its Cancer Support program. Last year’s began “Good health is a gift.” This year’s reads like a grade school report:
Dear KATHERINE O’BRIEN:
The American Cancer Society estimates that two men and one in three women will face cancer in their lifetime. Although these are scary statistics, CIGNA HealthCare wants you to know we’re here to help…"
Most of us just sigh, groan, maybe yell a little and then toss the letters into the recycling bin (unless it is one of the letters making demands to send information we have alread sent them SEVERAL TIMES. Then we scream a little louder, call the company, get transferred to voice mail, leave a message and then never hear back, send the info as requested and then get ANOTHER LETTER requesting the SAME INFORMATION and scream some more. Or maybe that's just me.). After years of this kind of correspondence, Katherine decided to write back (CIGNA is her insurance company):
"Dear DOUG:
Thank you for your letter of March 2010! I couldn’t agree more that good health is a gift! I was blown away that you want to help me make the most of it.
It was gratifying to know that “as health care claims are submitted to us, we review them and identify steps you might take to help improve your health.” Gosh. I feel a little guilty. I mean, you are poring over my health claims and I am doing bupkis for you. Maybe I could clean out the coffee room fridge in Bloomfield some time? Police the parking lot? Just let me know.
As you might have gleaned from your research, I have metastatic breast cancer. My doctor says that in 2010, there’s no cure for metastatic breast cancer. Of course that’s what she said in 2009. So I do intend to doublecheck in 2011. I will keep you posted...
...I think it is important to take care of me, too. I see Dr. Gaynor once a month. It might be hard to see her more regularly than that. Unless she wants to join my mahjong group. I will make inquiries."
You can read the rest of the letter and Katherine's post about it on her blog, ihatebreastcancer. Thanks to Anna Rachnel (ccchronicles) of The Cancer Culture Chronicles for telling us about Katherine's letter via Twitter.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Healthy Spirits: New Arrivals
1. Djavlebryg Gudelos Imperial Stout
2. Bruery Saison De Lente
3. Bruery Rugbrod
4. Knee Deep Beautiful Blonde Ale
5. Knee Deep Hopstar IPA
6. Knee Deep Tamilla Porter
7. Iron Springs Kent Lake Kolsch
8. Iron Springs Epiphany Ale
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
To cut or not to cut?
My post-chemo, newly curly hair had grown in clumps, making me feel a little bit like Bozo the Clown. I was faced with one of the most challenging post-chemo questions a woman can ask: Should I have my hair cut or not?
You see, women don't usually expect to go bald at any point in their lives. Okay, maybe some changes in texture due to biochemistry associated with pregnancy or menopause, but bald? That's for men.
So when I lost my hair to chemo, it was a shock in more ways than one. Not only did I not look like myself to myself, I actually looked like my father even more than in the past. (He started balding young, and I've always had his high forehead.)
Watching my hair grow back from practically nothing over the past few months has been a good reminder that even chemotherapy leaves the body eventually. I began to look more like myself to myself, albeit myself with the kind of 'do I used to pay money for. I still didn't have bangs, so my high forehead was clearly visible. My new curls gave hope to other women in my support group who lost their hair to chemo.
But lately even these new curls felt out of control, so today I took the leap and decided to have my hair cut. The new cut is a tad shorter than I wanted, but more even all the way around, and closer to the shape of my head. And since hair does grow back eventually, when it does, it will grow evenly and not in clumps.
You see, women don't usually expect to go bald at any point in their lives. Okay, maybe some changes in texture due to biochemistry associated with pregnancy or menopause, but bald? That's for men.
So when I lost my hair to chemo, it was a shock in more ways than one. Not only did I not look like myself to myself, I actually looked like my father even more than in the past. (He started balding young, and I've always had his high forehead.)
Watching my hair grow back from practically nothing over the past few months has been a good reminder that even chemotherapy leaves the body eventually. I began to look more like myself to myself, albeit myself with the kind of 'do I used to pay money for. I still didn't have bangs, so my high forehead was clearly visible. My new curls gave hope to other women in my support group who lost their hair to chemo.
Runnin' fool
I haven't blogged about it lately, but I've continued to run ever since I trained for that really cold 5k back in November. I ran on the treadmill all winter, and now that the weather is nice I run at a local park. I've been able to run longer and longer distances; I've had a couple of runs now where I've run about six miles without stopping, which amazes even me. I'm not really sure how I do it, even while I'm doing it. It's like my brain separates from my body, and my body keeps on running while my brain is going, "What the HECK, body? What the HECK?"
The whole six-mile thing made me get a little bit cocky, so when I signed up for another 5k, I thought it was going to be a breeze. I thought I'd sail through to the end and then say, "Oh, is that it? Isn't there any MORE to this cute little race? HA HA HA!"
Well, obviously, the 5k heard me trash-talking it behind its back and decided to kick my butt.
The first half of the race, I did really well. Then we had to turn around and run the other direction, and I discovered the reason I'd done so well during the first half was because I had a 100-mile-an-hour wind at my back, and now I was running directly into said 100-mile-an-hour wind. (OK, so it wasn't 100 miles an hour, but it was at least ninety-nine miles an hour.) Then we had to run back over this bridge in downtown Kansas City:
Now, running over the bridge during the first half of the race was fine. The bridge seemed like this:
Running over it the second time was a little different. The second time, it seemed like this:
Plus, did I mention it was, like, 80 degrees at nine o'clock in the morning?
So, there I was at the top of The Biggest Bridge in the World, trying not to cry/fall down/throw up, when an official race photographer took my picture. In the photo, I look really mean, like I'm about to grab his camera and throw it over the edge of the bridge. I might have done it, too, if I hadn't been focusing all of my energy on trying not to cry/fall down/throw up.
I had one last resort: My iPod lets me select an emergency "Power Song". If you get into trouble while running, you simply hit the "Power Song" button, and your favorite song will -- in theory -- help you get through the race. Mine is "Bad Medicine" by Bon Jovi, but it turned out that not even that could help me. Now my brain was going, "OK, don't cry, don't fall down, don't throw up, and SHUT UP, BON JOVI!! SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UP!!"
See? The bridge did me in. I was not myself.
But I finished the race eventually, and Jay and WCK were at the finish line with a big sign that said, "Run, Momma, Run!" I got twelfth place in my age group, and I didn't die. Bon Jovi and I made up a few days later, which is a good thing, because I'm running another 5k this Saturday. I'm sure THIS time it will be really, really, really easy, though. Right?
Don't tell the race I've been trash-talking it behind its back.
The whole six-mile thing made me get a little bit cocky, so when I signed up for another 5k, I thought it was going to be a breeze. I thought I'd sail through to the end and then say, "Oh, is that it? Isn't there any MORE to this cute little race? HA HA HA!"
Well, obviously, the 5k heard me trash-talking it behind its back and decided to kick my butt.
The first half of the race, I did really well. Then we had to turn around and run the other direction, and I discovered the reason I'd done so well during the first half was because I had a 100-mile-an-hour wind at my back, and now I was running directly into said 100-mile-an-hour wind. (OK, so it wasn't 100 miles an hour, but it was at least ninety-nine miles an hour.) Then we had to run back over this bridge in downtown Kansas City:
Now, running over the bridge during the first half of the race was fine. The bridge seemed like this:
Running over it the second time was a little different. The second time, it seemed like this:
Plus, did I mention it was, like, 80 degrees at nine o'clock in the morning?
So, there I was at the top of The Biggest Bridge in the World, trying not to cry/fall down/throw up, when an official race photographer took my picture. In the photo, I look really mean, like I'm about to grab his camera and throw it over the edge of the bridge. I might have done it, too, if I hadn't been focusing all of my energy on trying not to cry/fall down/throw up.
I had one last resort: My iPod lets me select an emergency "Power Song". If you get into trouble while running, you simply hit the "Power Song" button, and your favorite song will -- in theory -- help you get through the race. Mine is "Bad Medicine" by Bon Jovi, but it turned out that not even that could help me. Now my brain was going, "OK, don't cry, don't fall down, don't throw up, and SHUT UP, BON JOVI!! SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UP!!"
See? The bridge did me in. I was not myself.
But I finished the race eventually, and Jay and WCK were at the finish line with a big sign that said, "Run, Momma, Run!" I got twelfth place in my age group, and I didn't die. Bon Jovi and I made up a few days later, which is a good thing, because I'm running another 5k this Saturday. I'm sure THIS time it will be really, really, really easy, though. Right?
Don't tell the race I've been trash-talking it behind its back.
Grand old flag
Good news today! My M-spike went down again a little bit to 2.5. All of my other numbers are great. Let me haul out the nice, patriotic photo of Bon Jovi in a t-shirt: 
my kids are alright
I had a dream a few nights ago.
My kids were in a giant flash mob, dancing their hearts out, surrounded by dozens of other kids and adults. They were exuberant and focused, their movements fluid and in synch with those around them. My heart swelled with pride and joy.
I learned that the flash mob had been created to drum up excitement over an upcoming performance. In a couple of hours, my kids would go on stage and perform. I could tell they were ready.
Then I was handed a note. My own performance was scheduled for right after theirs. I was wholly unprepared. I hadn't even looked at my script. I was rushing off to find it when my alarm went off.
Sacha was in a play very recently. And they did organize a flash mob a week before the performance, as a form of advertisement. And Sacha performed beautifully. My heart did swell with pride.
In part, my subconscious might have been remembering the play but I choose to believe that I was also sending myself a message.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
HEALTHY SPIRITS: THE NEW STUFF
1. Sierra Nevada Old Chico Kristalweiss
2. Crispin Brownslane English Style Cider (16oz can)
3. Goose Island Sofie
4. Lagunitas Undercover Shutdown Ale
5. Firestone Walker Reserve Porter
6. Firestone Walker Double Jack
7. Uinta Dubhe Imperial Black IPA with Hemp Seeds
8. Uinta Sum'r Organic Ale
9. Uinta Wyld Organic Extra Pale Ale
10. Uinta 17th Anniversary Barleywine
11. Shipyard Double Old Thumper Ale
12. Lost Abbey Carnevale
13. Bayerischer Banhof Berliner Weisse
14. Mission Shipwrecked Double IPA
15. Port Brewing Mongo Double IPA
16. Tripel Karmeliet
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
Freaking. Out.
So...I can't seem to escape April being my uber-high stress month. Three years ago, on April 15th, I had my bilateral mastectomy and Tram-flap reconstruction. Two years ago, my husband at the time said he wanted a divorce. Last year, I gave birth to our son Veo, and he died because of all his birth defects. This year, Anton and I are having a baby! This, of course, is a monumentally joyous occasion, unlike the last two years, but I'm still losing my mind, just a little.
With my mastectomy, I totally freaked out. I obsessed over my death for a few months before, working out and away all these morbid fantasies with an art therapist so I could calm my wild mind. I got depressed over the thought of my kids growing up without their mom, and all I could imagine was going under and never coming back again. But obviously, everything turned out fine, and not only did I come back, but I've been cancer free for almost three years (as of Friday).
Now, I'm starting to do the freaking out thing again, and I keep thinking about how at least with the mastectomy, the surgeons have done it so many times before and knew exactly what they were up against. With this c-section, they don't have an exact idea since it's never been done before. I try not to think about the scenario where they take out the baby, see the mesh and the damage, and say to themselves, "Now what?" or "That's worse than we thought." I think about how the worst would happen, and I'd be leaving my new husband with a new baby, and there would be three kids without a mom. I try not to think like that; I focus instead on the excitement of having a new baby--a baby who's a little pioneer on the landscape of having a baby after breast cancer.
But at night, when everyone is sleeping--that's the hardest time. I'm alone with my thoughts and my body full of pain. I look at Veo's tiny footprints on our shelf where I honor the people who have died--those who have made an impact but whom I have never really met, like my Vietnamese grandmother and Vietnamese half-brother.
I need to remember that with heartache and loss come motivation and inspiration to survive and to be grateful for what we have now. I have a husband who brings me laughter and love every single day we are together. I have two kids who impress me with their imaginations and wonder, and who make me feel good about being a mom. And I have a baby inside, fiercely kicking and living up to her name, Moxie. I like to think she's trying to tell me something along the lines of, "Don't worry, Mom. I'm a fighter, and you are too. And we'll all be together soon, safe and sound."
With my mastectomy, I totally freaked out. I obsessed over my death for a few months before, working out and away all these morbid fantasies with an art therapist so I could calm my wild mind. I got depressed over the thought of my kids growing up without their mom, and all I could imagine was going under and never coming back again. But obviously, everything turned out fine, and not only did I come back, but I've been cancer free for almost three years (as of Friday).
Now, I'm starting to do the freaking out thing again, and I keep thinking about how at least with the mastectomy, the surgeons have done it so many times before and knew exactly what they were up against. With this c-section, they don't have an exact idea since it's never been done before. I try not to think about the scenario where they take out the baby, see the mesh and the damage, and say to themselves, "Now what?" or "That's worse than we thought." I think about how the worst would happen, and I'd be leaving my new husband with a new baby, and there would be three kids without a mom. I try not to think like that; I focus instead on the excitement of having a new baby--a baby who's a little pioneer on the landscape of having a baby after breast cancer.
But at night, when everyone is sleeping--that's the hardest time. I'm alone with my thoughts and my body full of pain. I look at Veo's tiny footprints on our shelf where I honor the people who have died--those who have made an impact but whom I have never really met, like my Vietnamese grandmother and Vietnamese half-brother.
I need to remember that with heartache and loss come motivation and inspiration to survive and to be grateful for what we have now. I have a husband who brings me laughter and love every single day we are together. I have two kids who impress me with their imaginations and wonder, and who make me feel good about being a mom. And I have a baby inside, fiercely kicking and living up to her name, Moxie. I like to think she's trying to tell me something along the lines of, "Don't worry, Mom. I'm a fighter, and you are too. And we'll all be together soon, safe and sound."
vote early, vote often
I watched last night's English language election debate with interest. I was shocked at how quickly the two hours passed, although this was greatly aided by the fact that I wrote and read a steady stream of commentary on Twitter and Facebook (sorry to my followers and friends who don't give a damn about the Canadian federal election!). It helped me to keep watching without blowing a gasket. I felt like I was at a bar with friends hooting and hollering, except that I was in my basement drinking tea with my son and my spouse (another advantage to Tweeting during the debate was that I had to keep looking down at my Blackberry. This kept the orange decor from searing my retinas and Harper's cold eyes from turning me to stone).
I thought that all the opposition party leaders did well. Duceppe delivered the best opening line ("Congratulations, Mr. Harper, for answering your first question from a citizen during this election campaign.") but petered off towards the end. It's got to be brutal doing a two-hour debate in one's second language. By and large, I find it a pity that the Bloc only speaks for Quebec, as they are so consistenly solid on most social issues. They lose me, however, when it comes to questions of immigration and multi-culturalism. Nationalism and multiculturalism don't go so well together.
Layton was calm and measured and many people with whom I've spoken found his performance to be much stronger than in previous debates. Personally, I would have liked him to be a bit more aggressive, as he left it to Ignatieff to drive home the points that are near and dear to my heart. Kudos to him for mentioning proportional representation and for this seriously funny (but cheap) line: "I don't know why we need more prisons when the crooks seem so happy in the Senate."
I thought the evening, however, belonged to Ignatieff. He stayed on message (although I found "You shut down what you can't control" to be more effective the first time he said it than the tenth) and was forceful and articulate. He hit all the right notes on all the key issues and challenged Harper on gun control, immigration, crime, health care and transparency. He looked positively Prime Ministerial (my favourite Iggy line of the night, "This isn't bickering Mr. Harper. It's democracy.")
Is any of this going to change my vote? Absolutely not. I remember when the Liberals were in power and they were singing from a different songbook then. Happily, my NDP candidate is an incumbent who has done an excellent job, locally and for the country. I'll vote for Paul Dewar and I won't even have to hold my nose.
But if I lived in a riding where the race was one between the Tories and the Liberals? I just might be voting strategically this time around.
Perhaps none of it will make a difference though. All the pundits who did wrap-up commentary last night seemed to agree that Harper had won the evening. Even my beloved Chantal Hébert was unhesitating in her praise of Harper's performance. Did Canadians watching at home feel the same way? Did undecided voters? Do any undecided voters watch the debates?
I can't recall a time when I have felt as strongly about voting. I keep reading assertions that if all eligible voters under 25 and all women voted, Harper would be out on his ass.
Let's make that happen, shall we?
Still Focused on Myself
I made an appointment to see the periodontist (pere) on Wednesday because I am still in dental pain. His son did the implant but has been out of the office. I realized today that I have:
a dentist a periodontist
well two periodontists
a podiatrist
an internist
an oncology gynecologist
a plain gynecologist
a therapist
a psychiatrist
an oncologist
a hematologist
a surgeon and accompanying rotating radiologist
and I think that's it. If I were Tom Lehrer I would have already written a song about it.
[Image: one of the elements in Lehrer's song]
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Gemzar dose #5
Yesterday I had my fifth dose of Gemzar (the first one of the third round). Although everything was slow to get started, I had a hot mocha in my thermos, cold seltzer in a can, a good book (American Rose, the new biography of Gypsy Rose Lee), the daily crossword puzzle and a couple of new apps to play with on my iPhone. My hematocrit was a little bit down, but it's been lower and Dr G has still decided I should get treatment.
I ran an errand and picked up ground sumac at the new Penzey's Spices store downtown, then came home, spoke to my Mom and my Mum and took a three hour nap on the sofa. Made some chicken soup for dinner, enriched with leftover meatballs and vegetables, a beaten egg and lemon juice (sort of a poor man's avgolemono soup, not nearly as good as at the Continental). You can find a recipe here.
In the evening I ran a small fever of 99.7 degrees, but a Vicodin brought my temperature down. At 4 AM I awoke with another fever. Luckily I keep meds bedside as well as a glass of water. I sleepily reached out and took another Vicodin, which soon addressed the headache, achy back, night sweat and other fever symptoms. Of course, at that point I realized I had to use the bathroom, so I took my temperature and saw that the fever was only 99.3 degrees. (I am supposed to call the oncologist if a fever hits 100.5 degrees but decided it was the better part of valor to take the Vicodin and not wake anyone else at 4 AM.)
Eventually I fell back asleep around 6 and stayed in bed until just after nine o'clock. I plan to take things easy today. If the runny nose continues and the fever climbs to that magic number, I promise I will call the doctor's office.
I ran an errand and picked up ground sumac at the new Penzey's Spices store downtown, then came home, spoke to my Mom and my Mum and took a three hour nap on the sofa. Made some chicken soup for dinner, enriched with leftover meatballs and vegetables, a beaten egg and lemon juice (sort of a poor man's avgolemono soup, not nearly as good as at the Continental). You can find a recipe here.
In the evening I ran a small fever of 99.7 degrees, but a Vicodin brought my temperature down. At 4 AM I awoke with another fever. Luckily I keep meds bedside as well as a glass of water. I sleepily reached out and took another Vicodin, which soon addressed the headache, achy back, night sweat and other fever symptoms. Of course, at that point I realized I had to use the bathroom, so I took my temperature and saw that the fever was only 99.3 degrees. (I am supposed to call the oncologist if a fever hits 100.5 degrees but decided it was the better part of valor to take the Vicodin and not wake anyone else at 4 AM.)
Eventually I fell back asleep around 6 and stayed in bed until just after nine o'clock. I plan to take things easy today. If the runny nose continues and the fever climbs to that magic number, I promise I will call the doctor's office.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Tattoos that tell Breast Cancer Stories
Thank you to all our Facebook fans who submitted pictures of their breast cancer related tattoos. As a special thank you, all the submissions were included in this film, 'Breast Cancer Stories.'
These tattoos are truly amazing and inspiring.
*****
PRMA Plastic Surgery specializes in advanced breast reconstruction procedures that use the patient's own tissue. Procedures offered include the DIEP flap, SIEA flap, GAP flap, and TUG flap. We are In-Network for most US insurance plans. Patients are routinely welcomed from across and outside the USA. Connect with other breast cancer reconstruction patients at www.facebook.com/PRMAplasticsurgery.
*****
Growing Pains
Here is me with my eight-month-old baby belly! Eight months! Not that huge, thanks to my Tram-flap mesh.
This pregnancy has sure been a ride. The last trimester has been increasingly difficult and painful. I knew that no one, including the doctors, knew what would happen to me as the baby continued to grow. But what I didn't anticipate is that the doctors could not really understand what it feels like, and hence, were at odds about what to do with my pain.
First, I started having burning sensations in the lower part of my abdomen, which is where the sutures for the mesh are. It felt like my flesh was tearing, and in fact, that's exactly what has been happening. The pain comes and goes, but now when it comes, it's pretty intense, like somebody stabbing me from within.
Another issue is walking or sitting or moving from one position to another. I feel like my pelvis and joints are locking up, and I get stuck mid-air, afraid to move because I know how painful it will be when I complete the movement. But obviously, I can't stay like that, so I take a big deep breath, and just move (and scream).
So my family doctor prescribed me hydromorphone for the pain. I asked her about how it would affect the baby. She said that the baby would go through a little bit of withdrawal for a week during which she would be cranky, but it wouldn't be that big of a deal, since we had to weigh the circumstances of the intensity of my pain because me being in pain isn't good for the baby either.
For a few days, I took the pills, and it helped a little, but my OB wasn't happy about that. So I took Tylenol with codeine instead when I had pain at night, and that gave me a tiny bit of relief. Now, I've become used to being in pain and don't take medication that much.
Everything is compressed. There is no room. My OB noticed the appearance of my belly, which is like a muffin, with a band where the mesh is, and then a roundness at the top where the band is not. Breathing is always difficult in the last couple months of pregnancy, but it's even more so now. And my doc gave me Ativan because I've been feeling claustrophobic within my own body and having panic attacks.
Now, my plastic surgeon has ordered me to bed rest because the weight versus the constriction has become a bit worrisome. And my OB is considering moving the delivery date up at least a week early. I asked the OB if they will put me under general anesthesia after they deliver the baby via c-section in order to repair the mesh, and she said she doesn't know. The part where they don't know what they are going to see scares me a bit, but I trust that they are the best experts to do the job.
I have all the usual pregnant mom instincts like nesting and feeling restless, but I also have new fears, especially not knowing how the surgery and recovery are going to be. However, when I feel the baby move, whether in a small or big way, I am happy that she seems okay, if not a little concerned about how much space she has in there. We are in this together, she and I, and I can't wait til we have our own space.
This pregnancy has sure been a ride. The last trimester has been increasingly difficult and painful. I knew that no one, including the doctors, knew what would happen to me as the baby continued to grow. But what I didn't anticipate is that the doctors could not really understand what it feels like, and hence, were at odds about what to do with my pain.
First, I started having burning sensations in the lower part of my abdomen, which is where the sutures for the mesh are. It felt like my flesh was tearing, and in fact, that's exactly what has been happening. The pain comes and goes, but now when it comes, it's pretty intense, like somebody stabbing me from within.
Another issue is walking or sitting or moving from one position to another. I feel like my pelvis and joints are locking up, and I get stuck mid-air, afraid to move because I know how painful it will be when I complete the movement. But obviously, I can't stay like that, so I take a big deep breath, and just move (and scream).
So my family doctor prescribed me hydromorphone for the pain. I asked her about how it would affect the baby. She said that the baby would go through a little bit of withdrawal for a week during which she would be cranky, but it wouldn't be that big of a deal, since we had to weigh the circumstances of the intensity of my pain because me being in pain isn't good for the baby either.
For a few days, I took the pills, and it helped a little, but my OB wasn't happy about that. So I took Tylenol with codeine instead when I had pain at night, and that gave me a tiny bit of relief. Now, I've become used to being in pain and don't take medication that much.
Everything is compressed. There is no room. My OB noticed the appearance of my belly, which is like a muffin, with a band where the mesh is, and then a roundness at the top where the band is not. Breathing is always difficult in the last couple months of pregnancy, but it's even more so now. And my doc gave me Ativan because I've been feeling claustrophobic within my own body and having panic attacks.
Now, my plastic surgeon has ordered me to bed rest because the weight versus the constriction has become a bit worrisome. And my OB is considering moving the delivery date up at least a week early. I asked the OB if they will put me under general anesthesia after they deliver the baby via c-section in order to repair the mesh, and she said she doesn't know. The part where they don't know what they are going to see scares me a bit, but I trust that they are the best experts to do the job.
I have all the usual pregnant mom instincts like nesting and feeling restless, but I also have new fears, especially not knowing how the surgery and recovery are going to be. However, when I feel the baby move, whether in a small or big way, I am happy that she seems okay, if not a little concerned about how much space she has in there. We are in this together, she and I, and I can't wait til we have our own space.
Location:Vancouver, BC, Canada
without judgment
Every day is filled with an overwhelming number of choices. Some are fairly trivial, others will have lasting impact. Some days, I'm so overwhelmed by the choices I must make that I long to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head.
When I was younger, I saw the world in terms of black and white. There were wrong decisions and right ones. The rules of engagement with life seemed fairly clear. And I thought I had most of the answers.
Sometimes, I wish I still saw life that way. But the truth is that the world is filled with shades of gray. When faced with a choice, two people can make completely different decisions and sometimes, both can be making the right choice.
Don't get me wrong. There are still many clear cut choices to be made and situations where it ought to be obvious what is just and what is right. But with most of our day to day choices, things just aren't that clear.
So I have become much less judgemental than I used to be. And, for the most part, I'm happier that way.
The one person I still consistently judge - and harshly- is myself. And I tend to reflect these feelings onto others and assume that others are judging me harshly as well.
There are times when I don't engage in activities that appeal to me or do things I want to do because I fear I will be judged.
I had a bit of an epiphany about this this yesterday. If I am more gentle with others than I once was, should I not assume that a significant percentage of the people in my life will be gentle with me? And if others do judge me - so what? What consequence does it really have for my life? Why should the opinions of others stop me from living as I wish, as long as my choices are not harmful to others or to myself?
It's time for me to try and let go of self-judgment. It's not going to be easy. And I expect lots of back-sliding. It's going to be hard to separate out setting priorities and acknowledging mistakes from judgment. But I plan to try.
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