Internal Affairs

chemo kicks your ass.

jesus.

Four days later and I still feel weak, still nauseous and generally crappy. My tastebuds have started to go. It feels as though my tongue is covered in plastic wrap. I will be craving spaghetti all day, but after it's prepared I can't bear the taste or smell. I've lost a little bit of weight already, unfortunately.

I am NOT looking forward to cycle 2 (very much not antm), which will be 5 days straight of cyclophosphamide, etoposide, and ifosfamide.

To counteract the loss of white blood cells, I've got to give myself shots every day. For some reason (I of all people should not be afraid of needles) this freaks me out. Self-inflicted pain is no longer fun! praise be! Being the anal-retentive tard I am, I set everything out in front of me exactly the same way each time. like so. It is a little ritual.




...

While incapacitated and miserable have been researching some major lifestyle changes to aid in my recovery. Let me explain:

I have always put my body second. My goal for most of my adult life has been design and success at any expense. Work and school full time lead to stress and performance anxiety, which lead to depression, which lead to drinking, et cetera, a veritable smorgasboard of toxins and bad habits ensue. I am aware that none of these things caused my sacroma, but HELL. I even cancelled an ultrasound that would have revealed my tumor back in May because I didn't want to miss work at the precious and all-formidable Goorin Bros.

This isn't to say I haven't been "good". I've been vegetarian for the last six years, mostly cooking my own food. When I lived in the city I would walk everywhere. I have always been active and felt strong.

SO. CHANGES.

I have started yoga. Nothing impressive because I'm still fatigued- just 30 minutes every morning to stretch and breath. As time goes on I'd like to get into tibetan yoga practice- there is a temple here that offers classes in exchange for donations.

Fish. Yes. I'm going to start eating meat again after 6 years of strict vegetarianism. Fish only. I've always said I'd eat meat to survive, and now is the time if any. Omega 3's! I need to take so many meds as it is, I'd rather get my nutrients in natural, non-supplement forms.

In addition to the fish, I'm juicing the soul out of every vegetable I can find. For the enzymes, of course. Not because I feel omnipotent pushing little baby carrots into the bowels of hell.