I'm at a crossroad in my life. I recently turned 50, and I recently became an empty nester. When my first daughter left for college, I was kind of lost. I cried unexpectedly and often. My kids had been my life, my focus and my priority for years. My life had been all about them for almost two decades. It was hard to see the first one leave the nest.
When my second daughter left for college, I dealt with it better. I'd become accustomed to your kids leaving home as the norm. I still love and miss my kids, but we are close and communicate a lot. I am so glad I got to be here long enough for them to leave me, that I didn't leave them when I was diagnosed and they were only 10 and 11 years old, when I was so central to their lives. Their leaving me, in the end, was a gift. I cherish now that they've left the nest and have become their own adults separate from me.
I now love seeing my kids become independent adults with lives that don't revolve around me. They have their own hopes and ambitions and dreams, I am not central anymore. I kind of love being dispensable. If I died now, my kids would be okay, they have lots of dreams and lots to live for, they could move on. They love me, but they'd be able to manage without me now. I am grateful for that.
But in the end this time in my life has also opened new doors for me. I got to thinking...the first few decades of my life involved me growing up and becoming an independent adult. The next few decades were about being a wife and mom (and dealing with a cancer diagnosis and treatment). Raising my kids was my priority; my needs didn't matter so much those decades.
Turning 50 as an empty nester, I have come to realize my remaining years, however many they are, can be mine. I've fulfilled obligations the first 5 decades of my life. Now I can focus on me! And it's okay. If I am lucky enough to live to be 70, I have two more decades to grow, to realize dreams and to develop new relationships without so many other obligations. It's kind of liberating. I suddenly want so much. I am willing to plan for a long-term future; even though I understand after cancer it is not guaranteed. I am back in school and loving it, I love learning, and I love growing. I love connecting with students and professors. I am looking towards a new career path. I am remodeling my kitchen. Redecorating my bathroom. Finding hope in looking towards a future. I know a future here maybe only an illusion, but I like the illusion.
I think it's okay to plan a future and to reach for goals, even when you live with the uncertainty of a cancer diagnosis. Reaching for goals is hopeful on its own. And the cool thing is, cancer made me contemplate all future scenarios, in this life and beyond. So I know I have a future, even if it ends up not being here in this world, this reality. I am guaranteed a future regardless. Only location can change.
Maybe I am gifted in being able to finally contemplate a future. And maybe knowing my future is tenuous and not to be taken for granted will make me value it that much more, help me make that much more use of my time?
And as a side note, there are several benefits to being an empty nester, I've learned. My utility bills are about half of what they used to be, the grocery bill is way less, eating out is cheaper when it's just two, the house STAYS clean and is quiet when you want to read a book, and my husband and I spend more quality time together. We've been having a lot of fun!
The crossroads in our lives (and there are many of them) can be initially painful, but they are always new opportunities for growth and happiness.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Ups and Downs
Good news: I tested negative for the BRCA-1 and -2 genetic mutations, which nixes my increased risk of ovarian cancer. However, a variant did show up on the results, but it's apparently one with a database so it's being tracked in other patients as well.
Now the other news.
We met with the OB/GYN last week for our monthly check-up. She said she talked to my plastic surgeon, who's insisting on a C-section so that she can assist in the repair to the mesh. That means that I have to have the baby at another hospital than originally planned, which means adding another OB/GYN to the team. Coincidentally, turns out that that doctor is the same one I had when I was pregnant with Mylo. Unfortunately, we later found out that she's on vacation for the whole summer, and our baby is due to be extracted from my shell in August. So now we're being juggled among doctors, but I'm sure it'll work out. I'm thankful that I have a team who's the best in Canada.
Then we were presented with yet another challenge yesterday. I had just pulled into the school parking lot to drop off the kids when I got a call from the OB/GYN's office. They received the results from my serum screening (or Triple Screen, as it's called in the U.S.) and they wanted me to come in to talk about the results. My heart immediately sunk, as I knew from past pregnancies that this test was to check for risk of Down's Syndrome and neural tube defects (most commonly, spina bifida). I calmly took Chloe and Mylo into their classrooms, read a book with Chloe, and rushed off to go home. I contacted my family doctor and told her that I got the call from the OB/GYN, and she responded that she would get the results herself and get back to me. Within an hour, she asked me if I could come in and see her right away. I was struck with the same feeling I had when I got the call to come in and discuss the results of my initial biopsy two and a half years ago.
Anton tried to remain calm, but I knew what was coming. Before she went over the results, she told us that these numbers aren't conclusive, and that the next step would be to get more tests done that would give us more definite answers. Then she gave us the numbers: 1 in 5 chance of neural tube defect, 1 in 25 chance of Down's syndrome. I accepted the news. I nodded my head. I listened as she explained all the numbers and terms to us on the report. She told us about the amniocentesis, which I knew about as well. And then I lost it. She consoled me and sat with us as long as it would take. We went home, exhausted, and it was only noon.
When we got home, we Googled, talked, and cried. I just couldn't believe that this was happening. It's not so much the idea of having an "imperfect" baby that worries me; it's more of the idea that the baby might be born suffering. Neural tube defects are more than just spina bifida. Some cases leave the babies paralysed, mobility challenged, blind or deaf, or can even lead to stillborn deaths. I know--we shouldn't let our minds race before we get more conclusive results, but still, how can we reign all this in?
A couple hours afterward, we went to the OB/GYN to talk to her about the results. She told us what we already knew, and then talked about the amniocentesis and genetic counselling. There was no question--we would do it as soon as possible. Just one problem: the mesh in my abdomen. How would the needle pass through that to get the amniotic fluid? The doctor was confident that the technicians could find a pocket that would allow the needle to pass through, but the idea of someone having to stab me multiple times with that needle before getting the right spot didn't sit well with me. So when I got home, I emailed my plastic surgeon.
This morning, I got my appointment for the detailed ultrasound and the amnio--it's not until the end of next week because Anton and I are off to LA to visit his mother, who is very ill. So it'll be more than two weeks before we know the condition of the vaboose. Also, just as I suspected, the plastic surgeon wants very much to communicate with the people performing the amnio before they just go in there and try to do their thing. I'm happy that I was proactive enough to call her and inform her of the situation so that she could contribute her expertise to the procedure. It's quite difficult and stressful being someone whom medical professionals are not used to dealing with.
Another call I made this morning was to my oncologist. You might wonder why, since this seems to be entirely a prenatal issue. Well, in my desperation to find a scenario that it's actually me who has something wrong, not the baby, I looked up alpha fetoprotein (AFP--the protein that indicates risk of Down's syndrome and neural tube defects), levels and any possible relation to cancer. Sure enough, increased levels occur in men and non-pregnant women when there is presence of liver, stomach, testicular, and ovarian cancer and lymphoma. This is wacky, but I really started praying that I have cancer and that the baby is okay because that would mean I could get treatment and get better, and the baby wouldn't be born with some incurable defect from which s/he would suffer. So I left a message for my oncologist to get back to me so we could see if that's a possibility.
Also, I want to know if my cancer treatment, particular the trial chemo I had, has something to do with this. I was told many times that it's pretty possible that I'd go through early menopause cuz the chemo would fry my reproductive system. Obviously that didn't happen, but perhaps the chemo has been a contributing factor to this situation.
I woke up this morning with the same feeling I had for the first month after I was diagnosed in summer 2007. I wondered if I had been dreaming--that this shocker was some kind of fear that my subconscious was dealing with. But then I saw the copy of the report on the couch, and I knew that it was real.
I ask myself why things keep happening, why just when things seem to be going right, we get another life-changing challenge thrown at us. In my most cynical moments, I think that I'm the universe's favorite joke. In my most spiritual moments, I feel that the universe thinks I can handle it, that if there's anybody to lay these challenges on, it's me. And lucky me--I have a partner who's on the same wavelength as I am in terms of dealing with all this, and I have two kids who show me constantly that there is so much happiness and joy in life. After I told the kids that the baby might be sick, Mylo kept hugging my belly all night, "to hug the baby" as he says. This sounds so co-dependent, but I feel like I'm only as strong as the people around me, and the people around me, including my children, are the strongest. Being strong means being able to cry, and being able to tell those around you that it's okay to cry. Being strong means believing that no matter what, it WILL be okay.
Now the other news.
We met with the OB/GYN last week for our monthly check-up. She said she talked to my plastic surgeon, who's insisting on a C-section so that she can assist in the repair to the mesh. That means that I have to have the baby at another hospital than originally planned, which means adding another OB/GYN to the team. Coincidentally, turns out that that doctor is the same one I had when I was pregnant with Mylo. Unfortunately, we later found out that she's on vacation for the whole summer, and our baby is due to be extracted from my shell in August. So now we're being juggled among doctors, but I'm sure it'll work out. I'm thankful that I have a team who's the best in Canada.
Then we were presented with yet another challenge yesterday. I had just pulled into the school parking lot to drop off the kids when I got a call from the OB/GYN's office. They received the results from my serum screening (or Triple Screen, as it's called in the U.S.) and they wanted me to come in to talk about the results. My heart immediately sunk, as I knew from past pregnancies that this test was to check for risk of Down's Syndrome and neural tube defects (most commonly, spina bifida). I calmly took Chloe and Mylo into their classrooms, read a book with Chloe, and rushed off to go home. I contacted my family doctor and told her that I got the call from the OB/GYN, and she responded that she would get the results herself and get back to me. Within an hour, she asked me if I could come in and see her right away. I was struck with the same feeling I had when I got the call to come in and discuss the results of my initial biopsy two and a half years ago.
Anton tried to remain calm, but I knew what was coming. Before she went over the results, she told us that these numbers aren't conclusive, and that the next step would be to get more tests done that would give us more definite answers. Then she gave us the numbers: 1 in 5 chance of neural tube defect, 1 in 25 chance of Down's syndrome. I accepted the news. I nodded my head. I listened as she explained all the numbers and terms to us on the report. She told us about the amniocentesis, which I knew about as well. And then I lost it. She consoled me and sat with us as long as it would take. We went home, exhausted, and it was only noon.
When we got home, we Googled, talked, and cried. I just couldn't believe that this was happening. It's not so much the idea of having an "imperfect" baby that worries me; it's more of the idea that the baby might be born suffering. Neural tube defects are more than just spina bifida. Some cases leave the babies paralysed, mobility challenged, blind or deaf, or can even lead to stillborn deaths. I know--we shouldn't let our minds race before we get more conclusive results, but still, how can we reign all this in?
A couple hours afterward, we went to the OB/GYN to talk to her about the results. She told us what we already knew, and then talked about the amniocentesis and genetic counselling. There was no question--we would do it as soon as possible. Just one problem: the mesh in my abdomen. How would the needle pass through that to get the amniotic fluid? The doctor was confident that the technicians could find a pocket that would allow the needle to pass through, but the idea of someone having to stab me multiple times with that needle before getting the right spot didn't sit well with me. So when I got home, I emailed my plastic surgeon.
This morning, I got my appointment for the detailed ultrasound and the amnio--it's not until the end of next week because Anton and I are off to LA to visit his mother, who is very ill. So it'll be more than two weeks before we know the condition of the vaboose. Also, just as I suspected, the plastic surgeon wants very much to communicate with the people performing the amnio before they just go in there and try to do their thing. I'm happy that I was proactive enough to call her and inform her of the situation so that she could contribute her expertise to the procedure. It's quite difficult and stressful being someone whom medical professionals are not used to dealing with.
Another call I made this morning was to my oncologist. You might wonder why, since this seems to be entirely a prenatal issue. Well, in my desperation to find a scenario that it's actually me who has something wrong, not the baby, I looked up alpha fetoprotein (AFP--the protein that indicates risk of Down's syndrome and neural tube defects), levels and any possible relation to cancer. Sure enough, increased levels occur in men and non-pregnant women when there is presence of liver, stomach, testicular, and ovarian cancer and lymphoma. This is wacky, but I really started praying that I have cancer and that the baby is okay because that would mean I could get treatment and get better, and the baby wouldn't be born with some incurable defect from which s/he would suffer. So I left a message for my oncologist to get back to me so we could see if that's a possibility.
Also, I want to know if my cancer treatment, particular the trial chemo I had, has something to do with this. I was told many times that it's pretty possible that I'd go through early menopause cuz the chemo would fry my reproductive system. Obviously that didn't happen, but perhaps the chemo has been a contributing factor to this situation.
I woke up this morning with the same feeling I had for the first month after I was diagnosed in summer 2007. I wondered if I had been dreaming--that this shocker was some kind of fear that my subconscious was dealing with. But then I saw the copy of the report on the couch, and I knew that it was real.
I ask myself why things keep happening, why just when things seem to be going right, we get another life-changing challenge thrown at us. In my most cynical moments, I think that I'm the universe's favorite joke. In my most spiritual moments, I feel that the universe thinks I can handle it, that if there's anybody to lay these challenges on, it's me. And lucky me--I have a partner who's on the same wavelength as I am in terms of dealing with all this, and I have two kids who show me constantly that there is so much happiness and joy in life. After I told the kids that the baby might be sick, Mylo kept hugging my belly all night, "to hug the baby" as he says. This sounds so co-dependent, but I feel like I'm only as strong as the people around me, and the people around me, including my children, are the strongest. Being strong means being able to cry, and being able to tell those around you that it's okay to cry. Being strong means believing that no matter what, it WILL be okay.
0-2-9-14
Yesterday was a chemo day, so I don't have much in the way of original thought to offer up to you.
It was more stressful and a longer day than most but made infinitely easier by the presence of my friend T. We had lots to talk about and she ably distracted me when I felt the stress levels rising (the guy beside me was, for much of the time, having a shouted conversation with the man across the "pod."). She even tucked me in very sweetly as I settled in for my post Demerol nap.
Between bloodwork and chemo, T. and I went out to lunch at The Green Door. Over our veggies, we got to talking about food. I've been seeing a nutritionist, who has made some initial adjustments to my diet (minimal sugar, no dairy, more raw food, a high quality protein with every meal or snack). Since I told the nutrionist that I drank no more than five drinks a week, I've also been trying to stick to that. What I need to figure out is what exactly constitutes a drink. Is a pint of beer one drink? Two? One and a half?
T. told me that her doctor has been telling all his patients to stick to the following formula: 0-2-9-14
0 - at least one night every week you have no booze at all.
2- no more than 2 drinks at any given time.
9- women should have no more than 9 drinks per week.
14 - the maximum for men.
That makes sense to me and doesn't seem too onerous. Of course, if one is hoping to lose weight, drinking less (or not at all!) makes sense. Empty calories, decreased willpower, increased appetite...there really are lots of sensible reasons to forego the booze. I do enjoy beer and wine, though and don't do well when I try to cut anything I like out completely.
Back To The Chiropractor
Back in December I enlisted the help of a chiropractor to help me get moving. Taxotere had left me too fatigued to do much of anything and so I had become stiff and sore. Back then he helped stretch out some of my leg and shoulder muscles. After Christmas, I was feeling so good I decided to continue on my own. My legs have continued to improve but my shoulders are still weak ... especially my right side where I have lymphedema. My arm has become quite swollen, sore and achy. I sort of equate the achiness to a toothache. It’s always there and makes a person real grumpy.
So today I stopped in to see the doc. He looked at my lymphedema arm and pointed out some bruising on my elbow. The bruising is caused by the swelling. It didn’t take him long to find the tightness which was actually causing a clicking sound in my elbow. He did some stretching and massaging and gave me some information on applying the kinesthetic tape to my shoulder to help strengthen my rotary cuff. I already use this tape on my lymphedema hand. We also reviewed what exercises I need to be doing to strengthen the muscles in my shoulders.
Get this .. I’ve even decided to cut back on my computer time ... that is a biggy.
Dang it.
M-spike = 3.1
All other numbers are perfectly fine, and you never know if I've hit yet another plateau or if it's one bad lab result, blah, blah, blah, but breaking the 3.0 barrier really bums me out. To make up for my giant M-spike, I will post a photo of Jon Bon Jovi with his shirt unbuttoned even further.
That's better.
All other numbers are perfectly fine, and you never know if I've hit yet another plateau or if it's one bad lab result, blah, blah, blah, but breaking the 3.0 barrier really bums me out. To make up for my giant M-spike, I will post a photo of Jon Bon Jovi with his shirt unbuttoned even further.
That's better.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Make that One a Year, not One a Day
[Stomp those grapes, but don't drink the wine!]
In the department of confusing news department:
Swedish researchers are telling us that multivitamin use was closely associated with a higher rate of breast cancer.
We find this hard to believe. Take your vitamins, we're told. Did you take your vitamins? we're asked. Now the correct answer to that question is No.
Reporting in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, researchers from the Swedish environmental medicine institute asked 35,000 cancer-free women to fill out a questionnaire. Some nine-and-a-half years later (Why not an even 10?), almost 1,000 of the women had breast cancer, and those women were more likely to have taken a daily multivitamin.
According to Reuters Health, Researchers found that women who reported multivitamin use at the study's start were 19 percent more likely than non-users to develop breast cancer. That was with factors like age, family history of breast cancer, weight, fruit and vegetable intake, and exercise, smoking and drinking habits taken into account.
But what if there is some other factor that wasn't taken into account? Like depression? Or exposure to toxic chemicals? Or dope smoking?
One of the researchers told Reuters that women who take multivitamins are more likely to have dense breasts, which in turn are more likely to become cancerous. Does that have to mean that taking multivitamins leads to the density? It could be that dense-breasted women are more likely to take multivitamins. Women with dense, fibrocystic breasts are sometimes told to take Vitamin E to help ease breast soreness. Who's to say whether these already-densely-breasted women decided to take their E as part of a multivitamin tablet?
The lead researcher told Reuters that women should get their nutrients directly from their food, not from a bottle.
Echoing that sentiment was a study in the same nutrition journal touting a healthy diet as a way to stave off breast cancer. Again Reuters tells us: An analysis of 18 published studies involving 400,000 people conducted by Queen's University Belfast in Northern Ireland found there was an 11 percent lower risk of breast cancer among women in the highest versus lower categories of a prudent diet.
Drinkers of alcohol were more likely to develop breast cancer.
There are so many studies churned out that the average person gets confused and then fatalistic. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. And I let the hair stylist convince me to dye my hair and I didn't get details about the dye first, except that it's semi-permanent.
We all know that fruits and vegetables, grains, beans, nuts make up the best diet. There's really little mystery. When someone loses a good deal of weight everyone surrounds her asking, seeking: How did you do it? Like there was a magic way. What we're really asking is: How did you get yourself to do it? What made you stick with it? Because each of us knows the formula Eat less, exercise more.
Survivor Stories
I have been working with several appendix cancer survivors in hope that they will write their stories for me to post to my website and blog. Alice recently posted her story, Alice's Story. I have other survivors 3-9 years out from diagnosis who have told me they will also write their stories. I will post links to their stories as I get them.
I am very greatful to those survivors who are willing to offer help and hope to the newly diagnosed, they are my heroes.
I truly stuggled to find hope when I was diagnosed. I loved cancer survivor stories then, though I read of no appendix cancer survivors. I never even knew of another diagnosed with my cancer when I was struggling with my long odds. Ours is a lonely cancer.
Again, I am so grateful to those who are working to help me with this project and will post stories as I get them!
I am very greatful to those survivors who are willing to offer help and hope to the newly diagnosed, they are my heroes.
I truly stuggled to find hope when I was diagnosed. I loved cancer survivor stories then, though I read of no appendix cancer survivors. I never even knew of another diagnosed with my cancer when I was struggling with my long odds. Ours is a lonely cancer.
Again, I am so grateful to those who are working to help me with this project and will post stories as I get them!
Healthy Spirits: New Arrivals
1. Drie Fontinen Oude Gueuze (bottled 2008)!!!
2. Haandbryggeriet Dark Force
3.Haandbryggeriet Hesjeol (Harvest Ale)
4.Haandbryggeriet Barrel Aged Porter (Aquavit Barrels)
5.Haandbryggeriet Nissefar (Holiday Ale)
6.Nogne-O Batch #100 is back!!!
7.Nogne-O Dugges Sahti is back!!!
8.Nogne-O Andhrimnir Barley Wine Ale
9.Cuvee de Ranke is back!!!
10. De Ranke Kriek is back!!!
11.Sierra Nevada/Anchor 30th Anniversary Ale
12.Anderson Valley Summer Solstice
Come on over!
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
2. Haandbryggeriet Dark Force
3.Haandbryggeriet Hesjeol (Harvest Ale)
4.Haandbryggeriet Barrel Aged Porter (Aquavit Barrels)
5.Haandbryggeriet Nissefar (Holiday Ale)
6.Nogne-O Batch #100 is back!!!
7.Nogne-O Dugges Sahti is back!!!
8.Nogne-O Andhrimnir Barley Wine Ale
9.Cuvee de Ranke is back!!!
10. De Ranke Kriek is back!!!
11.Sierra Nevada/Anchor 30th Anniversary Ale
12.Anderson Valley Summer Solstice
Come on over!
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
The Living Well Cancer Support Group
This morning I was at the Living Well group. Our homework assignment last week was to do something fun or enjoyable that we wouldn’t normally do and secondly we were to do something philanthropic.
What I did for myself was to apply for a travel subsidy to attend a cancer conference in the US. What I did for others is, I signed up to do some volunteer work. Because both of these events are to happen in the future ... I can’t really comment too much about my personal experience right now.
The lesson to be learned here is that when we do something fun for us, the good feelings are rather short lived however; if you give of ourselves to others ... the feel good feeling lasts longer because we are using your personal strengths to help others.
Our assignment this week is to think about someone whom we are grateful for, yet we haven’t ever properly thanked them. The task itself is to write a letter expressing our gratitude to whom we are grateful. We are to read the letter to the person, either in person or over the phone and then give them the letter if we like.
This assignment is actually on my bucket list ...
Bad blogger!
I know I've been a bad blogger lately. I don't really have a good reason. WCK and I have been having lots of fun and adventures that I should have reported on, but I didn't. I guess it's just a bad case of Blogger's Block again. I will admit, though, that for days and days after the Bon Jovi concert, my brain was severely impaired, because I could not shake the song, "Blood on Blood." You could be carrying on a conversation with me, and my body would be smiling and nodding, but my brain would be going
And we were so young -- SO YOUNG!
One for all and all FOR ONE!
I would wake up in the middle of the night, and my brain would still be going
Well, Bobby was our hero ... cause he had a fake I.D. ...
Things hadn't been that bad since the infamous "Summertime" incident of 2008.
But I'm over it now, and I'm hopefully ready to start blogging again. To make up for my lack of posts, here is a photo of Jon Bon Jovi with his shirt unbuttoned:
And we were so young -- SO YOUNG!
One for all and all FOR ONE!
I would wake up in the middle of the night, and my brain would still be going
Well, Bobby was our hero ... cause he had a fake I.D. ...
Things hadn't been that bad since the infamous "Summertime" incident of 2008.
But I'm over it now, and I'm hopefully ready to start blogging again. To make up for my lack of posts, here is a photo of Jon Bon Jovi with his shirt unbuttoned:
Monday, March 29, 2010
Happy Passover!
Tonight begins Pesach, the festival of freedom. After finishing all the cleaning, after we have eaten the last leavened bread, after the cooking is done, the table is set, the silver shines and the house fills with guests, we remember the exodus from Egypt.
Avadim hayinu, ata b'nai chorin --Once we were slaves, now we are free.
Let all who are hungry come and eat.
And my favorite:
Bechol dor vador chayav adam lirot et atzmo k'ilu hu yatza mi'Mitzrayim.
In every generation each person should imagine as though he himself left slavery in Egypt.
Use your imagination this year and put yourself into the footsteps of those slaves. What must it have been like to leave with only the food you could carry, a few possessions, and go off into the unknown?
It's a path Jews have been forced to follow over and over again for thousands of years. Small wonder we hold firmly to the reborn land of Israel, so that we will never have to wander homeless again.
Next year in Jerusalem!
Lunch With A Friend
Audrey from Stage 3! Who, me? and I had a really nice lunch together today. I’m glad to say she is doing real well and so full of life. We chatted up storm.
I think some of her enthusiasm rubbed off on me because I feel so energized after our luncheon.
What to do with my extra energy ... hmmm?
Sunday, March 28, 2010
My Sister Asked If I was Feeling Normal
I was on talking long distance the phone with my sister and she asked if I was feeling normal. I said nope and rattled off that my lymphedema arm is achy and swollen; my feet are still retaining a small amount of fluid and I have mild neuropathy in my feet and hands.
The biggest issue with the neuropathy is that I often have the dropsy’s. Using anything small …like nail clippers, they just fly out of my hands for no reason at all. The dog has learned to keep her distance in the kitchen.
Mentally I’m nowhere near normal. My focus and concentration are poor. I can be very emotional for no reason at all and my memory is atrocious.
So Sis, am I feeling normal? … no, I’m not there yet.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
CSC news roundup 2010-03-27
- The Wnt/β-Catenin Pathway Is Required for the Development of Leukemia Stem Cells in AML [FriendFeed entry][Connotea bookmark][PubMed citation] http://bit.ly/cfLPyK
- Expansion of CD133+ colon cancer cultures retaining stem cell properties to enable cancer stem cell target discovery [FriendFeed entry][Connotea bookmark][PubMed citation] http://bit.ly/9NLTZ8
- Loss of heterozygosity of the tumor suppressor gene Tg737 in the side population cells of hepatocellular carcinomas is associated with poor prognosis [FriendFeed entry][PubMed citation] http://bit.ly/dCQGYL
- Cancer Stem Cells: The Final Frontier for Glioma Virotherapy [FriendFeed entry][CiteULike entry][PubMed citation] http://bit.ly/c8GeYb
- MUC4 down-regulation reverses chemoresistance of pancreatic cancer stem/progenitor cells and their progenies [FriendFeed entry][ResearchGATE entry][Connotea bookmark][PubMed citation] http://bit.ly/cvcfX7
- Expression of Pluripotent Stem Cell Reprogramming Factors by Prostate Tumor Initiating Cells [FriendFeed entry][PubMed citation] http://bit.ly/9jtqLK
- Molecular signaling of the epithelial to mesenchymal transition in generating and maintaining cancer stem cells [FriendFeed entry] [ResearchGATE entry][PubMed citation] http://bit.ly/9xWial
- Cancer stemness and metastasis: Therapeutic consequences and perspectives [FriendFeed entry][Connotea bookmark][PubMed citation] http://bit.ly/9s0W14
- Gene-expression profiles, tumor microenvironment, and cancer stem cells in breast cancer: Latest advances towards an integrated approach [FriendFeed entry][Connotea bookmark][PubMed citation] http://bit.ly/dgqE0n
- Molecular biology of breast cancer stem cells: Potential clinical applications [FriendFeed entry][PubMed citation] http://bit.ly/as3m3j
- In Situ Identification of Putative Cancer Stem Cells by Multiplexing ALDH1, CD44, and Cytokeratin Identifies Breast Cancer Patients with Poor Prognosis [FriendFeed entry][Connotea bookmark][PubMed citation] http://bit.ly/9rXuWC
- c-Jun Induces Mammary Epithelial Cellular Invasion and Breast Cancer Stem Cell Expansion [FriendFeed entry][PubMed citation] http://bit.ly/aInNB2
- The Utility and Limitations of Neurosphere Assay, CD133 Immunophenotyping and Side Population Assay in Glioma Stem Cell Research [FriendFeed entry][Connotea bookmark][PubMed citation] http://bit.ly/9O4PtL
- Methods of assaying sensitivity of cancer stem cells to therapeutic modalities (USPTO Application) [FriendFeed entry][FreshPatents entry] http://bit.ly/dcWhtJ
- Cancer Stem Cells [Book and Media Reviews] JAMA 2010(Mar 17);303(11):1098 [FriendFeed entry][Book contents] http://bit.ly/9PY8xP
- Challenges in the development of future treatments for breast cancer stem cells (OA review) [FriendFeed entry] http://bit.ly/9DGutB
Friday, March 26, 2010
Healthy Spirits: New Stuff
1. Bierbrouwerij Het Alternatief-Piet Agoras
2. Bierbrouwerij Het Alternatief-Eerwaarde Pater
3. Brouwerij T'Gaverhopke-Extra
4. Brouwerij De Dochter can de Korenaar-L'Enfant Terrible Gueuze
5. Bierbrouwerij Emelisse-Russian Imperial Stout
6. Lakefront Brewery-Bridge Burner Special Reserve Ale
7. Santa Cruz Mountain Brewing-IPA
8. Santa Cruz Mountain Brewing-The People's Organic Coffee Porter
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
2. Bierbrouwerij Het Alternatief-Eerwaarde Pater
3. Brouwerij T'Gaverhopke-Extra
4. Brouwerij De Dochter can de Korenaar-L'Enfant Terrible Gueuze
5. Bierbrouwerij Emelisse-Russian Imperial Stout
6. Lakefront Brewery-Bridge Burner Special Reserve Ale
7. Santa Cruz Mountain Brewing-IPA
8. Santa Cruz Mountain Brewing-The People's Organic Coffee Porter
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
Lots of Socializing
Wow, what a full day. This morning I had a great time at the knitting group. One of the gals knitted a chemo cap to show as a sample. She is going to make copies of the pattern for all at our next meeting. Another said she’d whip up a flower to put on the side of it to help jazz it up. We’re going to knit up a few different patterns and see which one we like best.
After the knitting group was done ... some of the gals went out for lunch at the food court and I joined them. We chatted about this and that. Three ladies really connected as they each had 16 year old daughters as an only child. Kawinkydink or what?
After a while, I zipped out to meet the Second Cup gals. Four of us met which is great because we only started with two. As usual, we talked about all sorts of stuff, everything from our treatments to Skype.
After all that yakking ... I’m tired ... maybe a snooze is in order to rest my jaw.
Edit HTML
Free Gilad Shalit
Today we received an email from Alexander Muss High School in Israel about a "flash mob" video in Tel Aviv set up to get the word out that Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit is still alive in captivity in Gaza, courtesy of the terrorist group Hamas. He has been held for almost four years. Shalit was 19 at the time of his abduction.
Although I don't normally refer to Wikipedia, their article on Shalit appears to be carefully sourced.
Enjoy the video, and at your Pesach seder, when you talk about freedom, please pray for freedom for Gilad Shalit.
Although I don't normally refer to Wikipedia, their article on Shalit appears to be carefully sourced.
"Hamas has refused requests from the International Committee of the Red Cross to allow the ICRC to visit Shalit. Several human rights organizations have stated that the terms and conditions of Shalit's detention are contrary to international humanitarian law. In exchange for his release, Hamas is demanding the release of 1,000 Palestinian prisoners held in Israel, including many convicted of deadly terrorist attacks against Israelis. The United Nations Fact Finding Mission on the Gaza Conflict, which released a report in September 2009, called for Shalit to be released."
Enjoy the video, and at your Pesach seder, when you talk about freedom, please pray for freedom for Gilad Shalit.
Passover prep
Although I am still feeling overwhelmed by all the medical information I got on Monday, I am also in the thick of preparing for Passover. Since we aren't hosting a seder this year, I have decided not to change over all dishes, pots, pans, flatware, etc. I am, however, doing the cleaning.
The kosher rules for Pesach are far more strict than for everyday. In an ordinary situation, a drop of milk that spilled into a meat dish would not render it inedible because the rule is 1 part in 60 is okay. But for Passover that goes away and everything has to be 100% free of chametz (leavening). This is only the second time in more than fifteen years that I have not changed over everything for Pesach.
I cleaned the fridge on Wednesday, the oven today. The house cleaners were here yesterday. All that's left is to remove the chametz from the cupboard (pasta, crackers, cereal, etc.) and start the cooking!
The kosher rules for Pesach are far more strict than for everyday. In an ordinary situation, a drop of milk that spilled into a meat dish would not render it inedible because the rule is 1 part in 60 is okay. But for Passover that goes away and everything has to be 100% free of chametz (leavening). This is only the second time in more than fifteen years that I have not changed over everything for Pesach.
I cleaned the fridge on Wednesday, the oven today. The house cleaners were here yesterday. All that's left is to remove the chametz from the cupboard (pasta, crackers, cereal, etc.) and start the cooking!
inside laurie's head
saying "no" to:
beating myself up
people who make me feel bad about myself
feeling ashamed
hiding from people who love me
giving into my fears
jealousy
jealousy
Saying "yes" to:
spending time with the people who fill me up
reading for pleasure
tapping my own creative resources
trying new things
fun
talking to my Mom more often
giddy about:
all the great books that are available to read
the way my kids and spouse make me laugh until I cry
dog bellies and snouts
the potential of things I could knit
the thought that I am a Writer
scared of:
dying
not being able to read, or write, walk my dogs or play with my kids
writing fiction and discovering that I don't have the talent for it
anything bad happening to someone I love
deeply inspired by:
beautiful prose
my sister
my friends
my kids
being in love
obsessed with:
the clutter in my house (not that I do anything about it)
wondering where the day goes
finding peanut and nut alternatives
thinking about things I could knit (as opposed to actual knitting)
tracking what books i read and planning what books i'm going to read next
Scrabble
in love with:
Tim
my boys
the dogs
feeling the sun on my face on a warm spring day
saved by:
blogging and my journal
world class health care
Tim
the people who love me
good chocolate
finding a reason every day to be happy.
Thanks to Mocha Momma and Dancing Mermaid for inspiring me to do this.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I just want to say, very quickly, WOOHOO HEALTHCARE REFORM!!!!
I realize it will take several years to be put into effect, but I'm so happy this passed in congress. Sharing is caring, even if it's our hard-earned money. Healthcare should NOT be big business, in my opinion.
Here are a couple of links, spelling out the pros and cons in a simple and succinct way:
Pros and Cons of the healthcare reform proposal
5 key things to remember about healthcare reform
I realize it will take several years to be put into effect, but I'm so happy this passed in congress. Sharing is caring, even if it's our hard-earned money. Healthcare should NOT be big business, in my opinion.
Here are a couple of links, spelling out the pros and cons in a simple and succinct way:
Pros and Cons of the healthcare reform proposal
5 key things to remember about healthcare reform
The Sears Group
Yesterday on the way to the Sears coffee group, I thought I’d stop at the Cross Cancer Institute and pick up a daffodil pin for each of the gals. The pins are really soft and pretty. I snapped a pic, check em out...
Four of the six ladies came for coffee. Most everyone in the group is doing well except for S who just got out of the hospital ... thinking of you S and hoping you join us soon. We all miss you.
After a couple of good cups of coffee and a few good laughs ... we gave each other a nice hug and off we went.
Lifestyle food change
I appear to have lost a smidge more than two pounds so far on the low carb/sugar lifestyle change and it's only been a few days. This is what I am eating:
I find I have to cook more and shop more, but since I enjoy these activities it is not a burden (so far).
I have not even had any chocolate since Monday but have given myself permission to have sweets on Friday night at Shabbat dinner and on special occasions.
microwave scrambled egg and soy "sausage"
yogurt with defrosted frozen berries, applesauce and half a banana
mushroom omelet
hamburger patty (only a few bites of the bun) and green salad
tortilla soup (homemade chicken broth with shredded chicken breast, spinach, carrots, salsa, avocado, and a handful of chips. I asked Rik to bring the rest of the chips to school so I wouldn't be tempted.)
leftover cooked chicken salad made with guacamole instead of mayo and two whole wheat crackers
broiled halibut, sauteed zucchini, red and yellow pepper strips
I find I have to cook more and shop more, but since I enjoy these activities it is not a burden (so far).
I have not even had any chocolate since Monday but have given myself permission to have sweets on Friday night at Shabbat dinner and on special occasions.
not unrelated to my last post
Last night I dreamed that I had a lump in the lymph nodes above my collar bone.
I woke up terrified.
The comments on my last post were among the most thoughtful, moving and provocative that I've ever read. I have much to think about. Go read the stories that and responses that women shared with me. I feel grateful to each one of them.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Hair Today
Today I thought I’d do a hair update. For most of last year I was Q-ball bald on Taxotere. But when I switched to Xeloda in October... my hair started coming back in. It’s not a full head of hair yet but I’m so happy ....I’ll take whatever I get.
Now when I’m out, the locks sticking out from under my cap make me look a bit more normal.
I’m heading to the mall this afternoon to find some nice light summer caps because now that I’ve have some hair, my head heats up real quick with my winter caps.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Faster than the speed of light...
...or at least faster than the speed of the shutter. Here I am in front, far right (largest image),rowing 2,000 meters in 10 minutes and 34 seconds, shaving 20 seconds off my earlier score. Before we started, one of the young athletic rowers was saying she was nervous. It hadn't crossed my mind to be nervous, and I was afraid she was making me nervous. At home L said that being nervous can help athletes perform better.
The group of rowers are breast cancer survivors and previvors. For more info about ROW, go to: http://recoveryonwater.org. Thanks to the recession and a generous property owner, we have an unoccupied floor in an office building in the West Loop to practice in. Thanks to some parents of crew members from St. Ignatius high school (whose space it is), we no longer have white dust everywhere. We joked semi-seriously that breathing in the dust was was going to give us cancer. Ha ha. In trying to improve our health we would be hurdling headlong to our deaths. The parents came and covered the floor with what seems like thick cardboard made especially for covering floors. Now we just have to watch out for flakes falling from the ceiling.
Healthy Spirits: Avery Maharaja Batch 11 is here!!!
Hop heads take note.
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
The Living Well Group
I just got back from the Living Well Group. Last week’s assignment was to look at some of our character strengths and try and use them in a new way. One gal in the group she did a kind act and upon reflection ... she felt the rest of the day went very smoothly. It’s like her kind act set the mood for the day.
This week’s assignment is two part ... firstly, we are supposed to do something that is fun and enjoyable. Secondly, we are to do something philanthropic ... it doesn’t matter what we do, only that it is something that shows good will to others. One rule tho... it is important that you spend about the same amount of time doing both parts.
Next week we will compare and contrast these experiences.
perspective in grey
On June 30th it will be three years since my first clean scan, after the cancer had spread to my liver.
For almost three years, I have had no evidence of disease (been NED, in cancer lingo).
And yet I remain in treatment.
I am asked frequently why I continue to receive chemotherapy and Herceptin, if there is no sign of cancer in my body. And the truth is that I often ask myself the same question. Certainly, I don't feel like I have cancer. And I do feel that the cumulative effects - both physical and emotional of ongoing treatment are wearing me down.
I am stuck in cancer's grey area.
My oncologist said to me last summer, "For all we know, you could be cured."
We just don't know enough.
Another oncologist I spoke to, hinted that some would take me out of treatment at this point. A third suggested that some doctors might take me off the chemotherapy and leave me on the Herceptin.
But they all agree that we just don't know enough to make any decision based on certainty. There are just too few women in my situation, younger women who have been diagnosed with metastatic breast and responded so well to treatment, to know what to do with us in the long term.
There are more of us every year, though.
In ten years' time, there will almost certainly be more answers.
And when I get too frustrated, I remind myself that if I had been diagnosed ten years earlier, I would almost certainly be dead.
So, for now, I'll take the grey.
Cancer and carbs/sugar
NEWS FLASH: Dr. G also said yesterday he is now persuaded that carbs and sugar can cause cancer to grow. The reason behind his thinking? PET scans measure glucose uptake; cancer cells take up glucose at a faster rate. Glucose is basically sugar. Therefore cancer likes sugar.
Today I started a low-carb, no sugar diet, except a daily square of dark chocolate. In our house, we call chocolate vitamin CH: gotta have your daily dose.
As it turns out, the incredible lunch I had between doctors' appointments was just about the perfect last meal of all that's bad for me. I went to Cafe Presse and had a baguette sandwich (carbs) with pate de foie gras; a salade verte with hazelnuts and delicious vinaigrette; black coffee and chocolate mousse (sugar) with freshly whipped cream. Delicieux!
Maybe I will lose some weight on this low-carb, no sugar lifestyle. Wish me luck!
Today I started a low-carb, no sugar diet, except a daily square of dark chocolate. In our house, we call chocolate vitamin CH: gotta have your daily dose.
As it turns out, the incredible lunch I had between doctors' appointments was just about the perfect last meal of all that's bad for me. I went to Cafe Presse and had a baguette sandwich (carbs) with pate de foie gras; a salade verte with hazelnuts and delicious vinaigrette; black coffee and chocolate mousse (sugar) with freshly whipped cream. Delicieux!
Maybe I will lose some weight on this low-carb, no sugar lifestyle. Wish me luck!
Chemo?
Yesterday I saw both the doc and the onc. I had scheduled an annual checkup with my primary care physician and her first available time was a bit before I was supposed to see the oncologist. (I did get a nice lunch in between.)
I apent almost an hour with Dr. Klein, my PCP. We reviewed everything and here are her take-aways:
Dr. Goldberg, Seattle's best oncologist, is concerned that the anemia might indicate my cancer is progressing. Bone marrow makes red blood cells and I have so much cancer in my bones, it's likely also in my bone marrow.
The Fareston is not working; tumor markers increased from last month to this. He is putting me back on Femara (letrozole) for a month, to see if it has any effect. If not, it's off to chemo land for me.
Dr. G recommends eitherAbraxane (paclitaxel nanoparticle albumin-bound) or Doxil (doxorubicin liposomal). I think I prefer Abraxane's side effects (neuropathy) to Doxil's (hand and foot syndrome, which I think would increase my lymphedema). It will also depend on what my health insurance will cover.
(I'm having trouble with HTML links to some pages. Click on ChemoCare and search for Abraxane or Doxil to learn more about these drugs.)
I am a little freaked by this since Megace and Fareston didn't work at all and I have basically had no effective treatment for almost a year. If you recall, last April the 5FU put me in the hospital for two weeks with life-threatening infections. Still, Dr. G assures me that my poor reaction to 5FU doesn't necessarily predict I will react the same way to Abraxane or Doxil.
I apent almost an hour with Dr. Klein, my PCP. We reviewed everything and here are her take-aways:
I turned 50 and other than metastatic cancer, I appear to be in general good health, so I should have a colonoscopy.(Dr. K also called Dr. G about the results of my most recent blood work indicating anemia and possible kidney issues.)
The bumps on my head concern her, even if Dr. G biopsied a similar one on my shoulder blade and it was nothing. See the dermatologist.
If I really want to eat blueberries after 30+ years of thinking I might be allergic to them, see an allergist.
Dr. Goldberg, Seattle's best oncologist, is concerned that the anemia might indicate my cancer is progressing. Bone marrow makes red blood cells and I have so much cancer in my bones, it's likely also in my bone marrow.
The Fareston is not working; tumor markers increased from last month to this. He is putting me back on Femara (letrozole) for a month, to see if it has any effect. If not, it's off to chemo land for me.
Dr. G recommends eitherAbraxane (paclitaxel nanoparticle albumin-bound) or Doxil (doxorubicin liposomal). I think I prefer Abraxane's side effects (neuropathy) to Doxil's (hand and foot syndrome, which I think would increase my lymphedema). It will also depend on what my health insurance will cover.
(I'm having trouble with HTML links to some pages. Click on ChemoCare and search for Abraxane or Doxil to learn more about these drugs.)
I am a little freaked by this since Megace and Fareston didn't work at all and I have basically had no effective treatment for almost a year. If you recall, last April the 5FU put me in the hospital for two weeks with life-threatening infections. Still, Dr. G assures me that my poor reaction to 5FU doesn't necessarily predict I will react the same way to Abraxane or Doxil.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Living With Uncertainty
I had an interesting discussion with my husband tonight. A co-worker our age that we both liked and respected passed away a few days ago. When I heard he had a terminal diagnosis, I right away assumed he had cancer. He didn't. He had something similar to mad cow disease, but an inherited prion disease. Prions are small bits of protein that are indestructible by heat or disinfection but when abnormal, destroy the brain, the nervous system. His grandfather had died of the same disease, he inherited it. There was nothing he could have done to prevent it, no medical treatments available. A healthy lifestyle would have made no difference. The disease is always fatal.
We talked about those who may have inherited fatal genetic diseases, like his, or like Huntington’s. If you could, would you want to do the genetic testing to find out if you carried the disease and would die of it before you ever hit old age? Would you want to know you would die young?
My husband thought knowing would have advantages...you could get your affairs in order and live every day to its fullest knowing your time was limited.
I remember thinking I'd felt the same way...before my own cancer diagnosis. I used to think I'd want advanced warning before I died. To get my affairs in order, to plan my own funeral. To live every day like it might be my last. Maybe I wanted that sense of control...after all, I am a control freak.
But living with a cancer diagnosis changed all of that for me. Trying to live your life without planning for a future is very difficult. For several years I only planned my future between CT scans. Healthy people take for granted living with a future in mind...but don't realize it. Healthy people live thinking of future vacations, promotions, grandchildren, career goals, dreams, retirement. We are, as a society, very future oriented, I came to realize. When you can no longer assume a future, it's very hard. You feel very lost.
And the living one-day-at-a-time that is so glamorized (but not in the cancer community) is also difficult. I tried it for awhile after I was diagnosed. Since I had to make the most of every day, I felt guilty watching TV, sleeping in, relaxing. I was afraid to reprimand my kids even if it was justified (what if that was the last thing I ever said to them?). When I tried it I felt everything I did had to be profound and meaningful. Making the most of every day is hard work; it's not a normal way of living. It's a lot more than just "smelling the roses".
Since a cancer diagnosis and dealing personally with my own probable demise, I have changed my point of view. I hope in the end I die suddenly; a plane crash (I have NO fear of flying now), or a heart attack or car accident. Something sudden and quick and unanticipated. I don't want to live my life in the shadow of anticipated death. I know we all will die one day, but I want to live the rest of my life not thinking about it. I want the naivety I had BC (before cancer). The assumption I had that I would live until I was old and my body was worn out and used, that I would live past the time I had achieved all of my goals.
I think the one plus of a cancer diagnosis is that it makes us grow spiritually. While I don't ever see cancer as a "gift" it does make us grow and develop our character in ways we wouldn't have otherwise.
My big hope is that our friend and co-worker who recently died was brain damaged enough not to be aware he was dying. Maybe he never had to try to live one day at a time...and I hope he never got his affairs in order before he passed. I hope that he was not aware of the fact that he was dying and leaving his wife and four kids. I hope he was oblivious to his transition and never contemplated his own death.
The living with terminal uncertainty on every level is the hardest part.
We talked about those who may have inherited fatal genetic diseases, like his, or like Huntington’s. If you could, would you want to do the genetic testing to find out if you carried the disease and would die of it before you ever hit old age? Would you want to know you would die young?
My husband thought knowing would have advantages...you could get your affairs in order and live every day to its fullest knowing your time was limited.
I remember thinking I'd felt the same way...before my own cancer diagnosis. I used to think I'd want advanced warning before I died. To get my affairs in order, to plan my own funeral. To live every day like it might be my last. Maybe I wanted that sense of control...after all, I am a control freak.
But living with a cancer diagnosis changed all of that for me. Trying to live your life without planning for a future is very difficult. For several years I only planned my future between CT scans. Healthy people take for granted living with a future in mind...but don't realize it. Healthy people live thinking of future vacations, promotions, grandchildren, career goals, dreams, retirement. We are, as a society, very future oriented, I came to realize. When you can no longer assume a future, it's very hard. You feel very lost.
And the living one-day-at-a-time that is so glamorized (but not in the cancer community) is also difficult. I tried it for awhile after I was diagnosed. Since I had to make the most of every day, I felt guilty watching TV, sleeping in, relaxing. I was afraid to reprimand my kids even if it was justified (what if that was the last thing I ever said to them?). When I tried it I felt everything I did had to be profound and meaningful. Making the most of every day is hard work; it's not a normal way of living. It's a lot more than just "smelling the roses".
Since a cancer diagnosis and dealing personally with my own probable demise, I have changed my point of view. I hope in the end I die suddenly; a plane crash (I have NO fear of flying now), or a heart attack or car accident. Something sudden and quick and unanticipated. I don't want to live my life in the shadow of anticipated death. I know we all will die one day, but I want to live the rest of my life not thinking about it. I want the naivety I had BC (before cancer). The assumption I had that I would live until I was old and my body was worn out and used, that I would live past the time I had achieved all of my goals.
I think the one plus of a cancer diagnosis is that it makes us grow spiritually. While I don't ever see cancer as a "gift" it does make us grow and develop our character in ways we wouldn't have otherwise.
My big hope is that our friend and co-worker who recently died was brain damaged enough not to be aware he was dying. Maybe he never had to try to live one day at a time...and I hope he never got his affairs in order before he passed. I hope that he was not aware of the fact that he was dying and leaving his wife and four kids. I hope he was oblivious to his transition and never contemplated his own death.
The living with terminal uncertainty on every level is the hardest part.
Healthy Spirits: New Arrivals from Dogfish Head!
1. Burton Baton-oak aged imperial IPA. Available in 4 packs or individual bottles.
2. Red&White-imperial witbier blended with pinot noir grape juice and barrel aged. 750ml
3. Aprihop-IPA brewed with apricots. Available in 4 packs or individual bottles.
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
2. Red&White-imperial witbier blended with pinot noir grape juice and barrel aged. 750ml
3. Aprihop-IPA brewed with apricots. Available in 4 packs or individual bottles.
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
stepping in the right direction
On the Saturday evening of the 10th Annual Conference For Young Women Affected By Breast Cancer, a group of participants went out for dinner.
Many of us had not met before that evening. We came from Texas, California, Massachussetts and Georgia. I was the lone Canadian. It was a truly lovely evening. The food was great and the conversation flowed - from the trivial to subjects of greater import, from the general to the intensely personal.
About half-way through dinner, the subject of health care reform was raised. I said that, as a Canadian, I couldn't understand why anyone would oppose universal health care, especially anyone who has had a life-threatening illness.
Most around the table agreed with me, while one woman stated that she was resistant to any more government interference in people's lives. I soon found myself addressing the pervading myths about our health care system and was asked whether it was true that Canadians were cut off from health care when we turn 75.
I said, "No, that's not true and we don't have death panels, either."
The conversation was very respectful and never tense (unlike many, many other debates on this issue) and soon we moved on to other subjects.
March Is Kidney Cancer Awareness Month
Here is a three and half minute inspiring video by Tony Clark who talks about how he is living a full productive life with kidney cancer. Tony is the Chair of Kidney Cancer Canada.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
More on Happiness: Can 79 College Students be Wrong?
The New York Times blog tells us that happiness comes from deep discussion, and not from shallow. That's based on the experiences of 79 human guinea pigs at the University of Arizona, and I see the conclusion as an argument for getting a degree in creative writing. The late Carol Bly wrote about creative writing classes as oases of meaning in "American junk culture." So how about a slogan for AWP:
Study writing, get happy.
Farewell, tortured poet. Leave your troubles inside your garret. Come to the cabaret.
You can read about the Suicidal Poet Predictor in Scary Place to see the difference in vocabulary and subject between suicidal and non-suicidal poets. According to Scary Place,The poets who committed suicide used many more first-person singular self-references such as "I," "me" and "my" and fewer first-person plural words than did the non-suicidal poets [according to a study by psychologist James Pennebaker and graduate student Shannon Stirman in Psychosomatic Medicine].
"Issues of identity, isolation and connection to others is revealed in pronoun usage," Pennebaker said in an interview. "One of the most telling words of all is the word 'I.' People who are suicidal or depressed use 'I' at much, much higher rates, and there's also a corresponding drop in references to other people."
The suicidal poets also generally reduced their use of communication words such as "talk," "share" and "listen" over time heading toward their self-inflicted deaths, while the non-suicidal poets tended to increase their use of such words. The suicidal ones also used more words associated with death, but surprisingly the amount of words with negative emotion (for example, "hate") or positive emotion ("love") did not vary significantly between the groups.
Those of you who read this blog know that suffering is included with the price of admission. I remember once when I came home from college I was talking to my aunt B and we had both read The Bell Jar. I told her that Sylvia Plath (pictured above) had described the way I felt. She was surprised. Alarmed. And that was the end of it. I think Plath had already killed herself by then. I have not. She died before the really good drugs were invented. And the good drugs aren't good for everybody.
I met a woman today who lectures and writes about humor in the Bible. The funniest story? The Book of Job, she said. Seriously.
Personal Reflection
I’ve been feeling so good lately ... can hardly believe it. Yesterday I went out for a drive, just to get out of the house. I had all four windows down a bit with the tunes turned up ... what a great feeling. The weather has been so lovely here lately too.
I’ve been doing a bit more reflecting these days. It’s kind of hard to imagine my body is sick with stage four cancer. Right now it’s not getting worse or better but it’s still there. Part of me wants to think, I’m back to normal but ... I’m not. I’m always thinking of that next scan and what it could show. What is the cancer in my liver doing to me today? The weird part is that I don’t feel it, so I don’t know. On the other hand I’m so fortunate not to be having any major side effects from the cancer or chemo... like no pain. I wake up thinking ... ok how do I feel today? ... any changes? Then I go about doing things and then all of a sudden I stop and think ... I have cancer ... can’t be true. It just doesn’t seem to be something I can totally wrap my head around ... even after all these years.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Daffodil Days In Edmonton
As shown on the Canadian Cancer Society website …
Location and Date:
Bonnie Doon Mall
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Camrose Farmers Market
March 27, 9 a.m. - 2 p.m.
Canadian Tire West
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Canterbury Manor
March 25, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Capilano Wal-Mart/Capilano
March 26, 4 a.m. - 8:30 p.m.
March 27, 9 a.m. - 3:30 p.m.
Clairview Wal-Mart
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
College Plaza
March 25, 10 a.m. - 2 p.m.
Commerce Place
March 24-25, 8 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Cross Cancer Institute
March 24, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Grey Nuns Hospital
March 26, 9 a.m. - 3 p.m.
Londonderry Mall
March 26, 11 a.m. - 8 p.m.
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Misercordia Hospital
March 25, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
NAIT
March 22, 9:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m.
March 24, 9:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m.
South Edmonton Common Wal-Mart
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Southgate Mall
March 27, 9:30 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Strathcona Farmers Market
March 27, 7:30 a.m. - 3 p.m.
University Hospital
March 25, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
University of Alberta Hub Mall
March 23, 10 a.m. - 3:00 p.m.
West End Wal-Mart
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
March 22 – 27
Every spring, Canadian Cancer Society volunteers in Alberta and the Northwest Territories are busy delivering and selling bright, yellow daffodils to help raise money in support of the fight against cancer. The daffodil is the Canadian Cancer Society's symbol of hope. The bright, cheerful blooms are sold every year and provide a kick-off for our National Cancer Awareness Month in April.
Join us at Daffodil Mountain March 24-25 at Commerce Place (10125-102 Street), or visit one of our street sales locations:
Bonnie Doon Mall
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Camrose Farmers Market
March 27, 9 a.m. - 2 p.m.
Canadian Tire West
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Canterbury Manor
March 25, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Capilano Wal-Mart/Capilano
March 26, 4 a.m. - 8:30 p.m.
March 27, 9 a.m. - 3:30 p.m.
Clairview Wal-Mart
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
College Plaza
March 25, 10 a.m. - 2 p.m.
Commerce Place
March 24-25, 8 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Cross Cancer Institute
March 24, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Grey Nuns Hospital
March 26, 9 a.m. - 3 p.m.
Londonderry Mall
March 26, 11 a.m. - 8 p.m.
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Misercordia Hospital
March 25, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
NAIT
March 22, 9:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m.
March 24, 9:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m.
South Edmonton Common Wal-Mart
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Southgate Mall
March 27, 9:30 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Strathcona Farmers Market
March 27, 7:30 a.m. - 3 p.m.
University Hospital
March 25, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
University of Alberta Hub Mall
March 23, 10 a.m. - 3:00 p.m.
West End Wal-Mart
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Friday, March 19, 2010
A Little of This, A Little of That
I really love the stretches of time when Cancer Banter lies dormant and Open Mouth, Insert Fork sizzles with food activity.
The food overindulgence is paying off. I found out yesterday at the City of Hope that I've packed on seven pounds in a month. (And, if you've been following my food blog, you'll see why.) Now I just need to gain another dozen pounds to go from "scrawny" to "svelte."
[photo forthcoming]
I've also been indulging in some good wines, but still haven't managed to visit the EOS Estate Winery in Paso Robles.
The EOS cap brought me good cheer, and it must also be bringing me good luck. Ever since Nancy brought it over, my EOS have been behaving. Yesterday I found out that they decreased (sans steroids) slightly since my last blood draw a month ago. I believe my EOS woes (and the accompanying stress) are behind me.
I'm always amazed at the creativity and thoughtfulness that goes in to helping others who are going through or recovering from cancer or a serious illness. Instead of a perfunctory, "Let me know what I can do," some of you may have offered to help with nitty gritty tasks, like cleaning out the litter box or scrubbing the toilets. If there's a disconnect between your intentions and your scrub brush, you may want to visit Cleaning for a Reason, an organization that provides free cleaning services for cancer patients. (Thanks to Petrea for forwarding this website.)
A concerned friend of blogger Assertive Cancer Patient lives in a different state, so she couldn't bring over a home-cooked meal. She did the next best thing and made arrangements for a pizza delivery. This works for close-distant friends too, because sometimes it's easier to make a call than make a meal. Just remember to contact the patient to find out when they'd like the delivery made and what toppings the family likes. (And, of course, delivery doesn't have to be confined to pizza.)
I love the creativity of Susan Kitchens, who made an audio tape of her walk, complete with the sounds of zooming cars and cheeping birds, and brought it to a friend who is landlocked in the hospital after an organ transplant. If only there was a way to record the amazing spring fragrances.
I feel uplifted just thinking about the love and thoughtfulness that goes into these acts. They're a great reminder that it's better to do something than to do nothing and feel guilty about it.
Have you been on the giving or receiving end of a thoughtful act? I'd love to hear about it.
The food overindulgence is paying off. I found out yesterday at the City of Hope that I've packed on seven pounds in a month. (And, if you've been following my food blog, you'll see why.) Now I just need to gain another dozen pounds to go from "scrawny" to "svelte."
[photo forthcoming]
I've also been indulging in some good wines, but still haven't managed to visit the EOS Estate Winery in Paso Robles.
The EOS cap brought me good cheer, and it must also be bringing me good luck. Ever since Nancy brought it over, my EOS have been behaving. Yesterday I found out that they decreased (sans steroids) slightly since my last blood draw a month ago. I believe my EOS woes (and the accompanying stress) are behind me.
I'm always amazed at the creativity and thoughtfulness that goes in to helping others who are going through or recovering from cancer or a serious illness. Instead of a perfunctory, "Let me know what I can do," some of you may have offered to help with nitty gritty tasks, like cleaning out the litter box or scrubbing the toilets. If there's a disconnect between your intentions and your scrub brush, you may want to visit Cleaning for a Reason, an organization that provides free cleaning services for cancer patients. (Thanks to Petrea for forwarding this website.)
A concerned friend of blogger Assertive Cancer Patient lives in a different state, so she couldn't bring over a home-cooked meal. She did the next best thing and made arrangements for a pizza delivery. This works for close-distant friends too, because sometimes it's easier to make a call than make a meal. Just remember to contact the patient to find out when they'd like the delivery made and what toppings the family likes. (And, of course, delivery doesn't have to be confined to pizza.)
I love the creativity of Susan Kitchens, who made an audio tape of her walk, complete with the sounds of zooming cars and cheeping birds, and brought it to a friend who is landlocked in the hospital after an organ transplant. If only there was a way to record the amazing spring fragrances.
I feel uplifted just thinking about the love and thoughtfulness that goes into these acts. They're a great reminder that it's better to do something than to do nothing and feel guilty about it.
Have you been on the giving or receiving end of a thoughtful act? I'd love to hear about it.
Healthy Spirits: Glassware
In our continued efforts to make your drinking experience as pleasurable as possible, we are expanding our glassware selection. As of today, we have glassware from-
-Konig Pilsner
-Aventinus
-Tripel Karmeliet
-Belzebuth
-Chimay
-Maredsous
-Duvel
-Duchesse De Bourgogne
-Green Flash
-St. Martin
-Delerium Tremens
-Affligem
-Samuel Smith
-Widmer
-Weihenstephaner
Over the next few months we will be adding many more glasses to our inventory. If there are any glasses you are looking for, just let us know!
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
-Konig Pilsner
-Aventinus
-Tripel Karmeliet
-Belzebuth
-Chimay
-Maredsous
-Duvel
-Duchesse De Bourgogne
-Green Flash
-St. Martin
-Delerium Tremens
-Affligem
-Samuel Smith
-Widmer
-Weihenstephaner
Over the next few months we will be adding many more glasses to our inventory. If there are any glasses you are looking for, just let us know!
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
Healthy Spirits: New Stuff
Some nice new additions for the weekend.
1. Goose Island Matilda
2. Cascade Apricot (2009)
3. Cascade Sang Rouge
***The Toronado 20th Anniversary Ale contest is still on! Anyone who signs up for Beer of the Month Club by April 15 is automatically entered for a chance to win a bottle.***
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
1. Goose Island Matilda
2. Cascade Apricot (2009)
3. Cascade Sang Rouge
***The Toronado 20th Anniversary Ale contest is still on! Anyone who signs up for Beer of the Month Club by April 15 is automatically entered for a chance to win a bottle.***
cheers,
dave hauslein
beer manager
415-255-0610
My Friday Knitting Group
I usually walk in to find that most everyone has their knitting out and chatting up a storm. Once everyone’s here, we’re asked to circle up and share what’s happened in the past week and if there anything needing to be talked about.
Once that is done ... we can talk freely amongst ourselves and we sure do that ... everything from Farmville on Facebook to lymphedema to raising teenagers.
One topic that keeps coming up is the idea of forming a knitting group to knit chemo caps for cancer patients. We’re just looking at different patterns right now and deciding what type of yarn would be best. We’d also like to knit or crochet flowers to the caps, just to make them that little bit prettier... especially for the men folk ... hehe!
I hope it comes together not just for the cancer patients who’ll use these caps but because it’ll be such a great healing process for us all... knitting together for a good cause.
Happy 15th Anniversary!
Yesterday we celebrated our fifteenth wedding anniversary. Somehow it hardly feels that long. Until I'd moved to Seattle I had never lived in one place for 15 years; had the same job for 15 years; or been in a relationship other than with my family of origin for 15 years. Somehow Seattle changed all that.
Rik and I have been through more in our fifteen years together than many people experience in three times that amount of time. Here are some of the highlights.
In our first year together, we both lost our jobs and faced lengthy periods of unemployment.
The couple who owned the first house we rented divorced and we needed to find a new place to live.
During our first five years, we tried to start a family.
I had several miscarriages.
We went through multiple infertility treatments.
We tried private adoption but were scammed by several birth mothers.
I was diagnosed with and treated for early-stage breast cancer.
Over the additional years, we dealt with more health challenges.
Rik had open heart surgery that successfully treated his congenital aortic stenosis.
My cancer returned and had spread into innumerable places in my bones.
I retired from work on medical disability.
Just before I was re-diagnosed, we tried to adopt a child from abroad but were told a foreign judge would look at our medical records and never approve an adoption.
We tried private adoption again and an agency in Florida scammed us for thousands of dollars. A local teen-aged birth mother met and approved us only a few days before her baby was born and then changed her mind.
In a last stab at starting a family, we approached Washington state's foster-to-adopt program and were told by a social worker that she would never be successful in presenting our case to a judge. The state would prefer that a child "age out" of foster care than be placed in a home with such serious medical conditions and risk another loss for that child.
We also did things we never thought we'd be able to do:
We traveled to France and Israel.
We adopted a dog (Pumpkin).
We bought a house.
We planted trees.
We adopted a second dog (Bobka).
Rik got his dream job all over again teaching AP Human Geography.
I am only two months away from being elected president of our synagogue.
That's our marital history. Even with serious health challenges, we have managed to enjoy each day, one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. And that goes back to the philosophy I learned from my favorite author, Robert A Heinlein -- "Dum vivimus, vivamus! While we live, let us LIVE."
Happy anniversary to us!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)