Two nights ago my hip bones started to ache and throb. I've never given birth, but I imagine that the sharp jolts of pain must be a little like labor. After each new round of "labor" pains, I'd let the expletives fly. Thank God, Extra Strength Tylenol takes the edge off.
The aching bones are a side effect of the Neupogen injections that I've been receiving daily for the last week. The resulting hip pain is because the bone marrow is working harder to produce more white cells and stem cells.
Even though I might yelp out, "Oh, shit!" when the Tylenol wears off, I'm delighted that the little factory in my bones is working overtime to pump out those stem cells.
"Go stem cells, go stem cells." (Chant this with shoulders bobbing and arms gyrating in an oval pattern.)
Saturday, August 4, 2007
My Kids
Back to the cancer diagnosis and it's effects on my kids......
The cancer diagnosis and my treatment had many effects on our family. There were many difficult times...my kids hated when I was hundreds of miles away for surgery, but I wrote them and called them every day. They had to face at too early an age insecurities I never had to face as a child.
When I was a kid I was like most kids, my mom was the rock of my life, I never doubted for a second that my mom wouldn't always be there. My kids did have to contemplate losing their mom at a very young age. It was tough, they were old enough to understand what was happening and how uncertain my future was. They did contemplate their mom dying and leaving them.
My youngest daughter had nightmares. She crawled into my bed in the middle of the night several times sobbing "Mom, I just dreamed you died". I was glad she was able to talk to me about it, but it was so difficult trying to counsel her when I myself didn't know how long I would live. I couldn't promise her I wouldn't die, because I didn't know. I didn't want to lie and promise her I would live forever, though I so wanted to reassure her.
My kids and I have had a lot of heart-to-heart talks over the past several years. We've talked about things most parents probably never talk to their kids about.
My kids were also able to talk to my husband's mother, their grandmother. Their grandmother became their counselor and their confidant, I can never thank her enough for the emotional support she provided my kids. She was their rock when I couldn't be. I will forever be grateful to her for that. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law had them over for weekends when I left town for check-ups, they kept them busy and made them feel special when I couldn't. Teachers pulled them aside at school to talk to them and make sure they were alright. I received a lot of support from so many people, but the support I am most grateful for are the people who supported my kids.
In the end, the effects have only been positive. My husband and daughters and I don't take the time we spend together for granted. As a family we've developed a much greater faith and dependence on God. We talk more, we share more, we appreciate each other more. We make sure to spend one-on-one quality time with each other whenever we can. We are very close, my kids talk to me about everything-- things I know I never shared with my parents growing up. We all realize how short our time is on this earth and want to make a difference in this world while we are still here. And we all know death can only separate us from those we love for a short time.
I'll be gone for three days beginning Monday. One of my daughters, who is 16 now, previously said that right before she got married she wanted she and I to spend time together in a fancy hotel with a spa. About 8 months ago she rethought that idea...why wait? She got a job and I worked some overtime so we could have the money to do it now instead. We leave Monday :-).
The cancer diagnosis and my treatment had many effects on our family. There were many difficult times...my kids hated when I was hundreds of miles away for surgery, but I wrote them and called them every day. They had to face at too early an age insecurities I never had to face as a child.
When I was a kid I was like most kids, my mom was the rock of my life, I never doubted for a second that my mom wouldn't always be there. My kids did have to contemplate losing their mom at a very young age. It was tough, they were old enough to understand what was happening and how uncertain my future was. They did contemplate their mom dying and leaving them.
My youngest daughter had nightmares. She crawled into my bed in the middle of the night several times sobbing "Mom, I just dreamed you died". I was glad she was able to talk to me about it, but it was so difficult trying to counsel her when I myself didn't know how long I would live. I couldn't promise her I wouldn't die, because I didn't know. I didn't want to lie and promise her I would live forever, though I so wanted to reassure her.
My kids and I have had a lot of heart-to-heart talks over the past several years. We've talked about things most parents probably never talk to their kids about.
My kids were also able to talk to my husband's mother, their grandmother. Their grandmother became their counselor and their confidant, I can never thank her enough for the emotional support she provided my kids. She was their rock when I couldn't be. I will forever be grateful to her for that. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law had them over for weekends when I left town for check-ups, they kept them busy and made them feel special when I couldn't. Teachers pulled them aside at school to talk to them and make sure they were alright. I received a lot of support from so many people, but the support I am most grateful for are the people who supported my kids.
In the end, the effects have only been positive. My husband and daughters and I don't take the time we spend together for granted. As a family we've developed a much greater faith and dependence on God. We talk more, we share more, we appreciate each other more. We make sure to spend one-on-one quality time with each other whenever we can. We are very close, my kids talk to me about everything-- things I know I never shared with my parents growing up. We all realize how short our time is on this earth and want to make a difference in this world while we are still here. And we all know death can only separate us from those we love for a short time.
I'll be gone for three days beginning Monday. One of my daughters, who is 16 now, previously said that right before she got married she wanted she and I to spend time together in a fancy hotel with a spa. About 8 months ago she rethought that idea...why wait? She got a job and I worked some overtime so we could have the money to do it now instead. We leave Monday :-).
Friday, August 3, 2007
A Close Encounter of the Hair Kind
Our eyes met from across the crowded Von's Supermarket aisles.
Feeling a little shy, we both glanced back down at the contents of our shopping carts. But we couldn't keep our eyes away from one another for long. It was a little like that ol' country song, "I was looking back to see if you were looking back to see . . . "
Finally, we both summoned the courage to approach one another. The shyness passed and a wide smile broke out on both of our faces.
When we met, we both blurted out simultaneously, "I love your hair." We chatted briefly, hugged one another and went our separate ways. It was a great way to commemorate my "coming out" without head covering at Von's.
Feeling a little shy, we both glanced back down at the contents of our shopping carts. But we couldn't keep our eyes away from one another for long. It was a little like that ol' country song, "I was looking back to see if you were looking back to see . . . "
Finally, we both summoned the courage to approach one another. The shyness passed and a wide smile broke out on both of our faces.
When we met, we both blurted out simultaneously, "I love your hair." We chatted briefly, hugged one another and went our separate ways. It was a great way to commemorate my "coming out" without head covering at Von's.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Put up your Duke's!
You gotta love a sandwich that has three of its five ingredients in the name. Is there anything more satisfying and easy than a BLT?
Last night, I made the first BLTs of the season with the juicy, ripe tomatoes from our back yard. Between the smoky scent of the bacon sizzling in the cast-iron skillet and the sweet fragrance of the sliced tomatoes, I was in sensory heaven while preparing this summer-time fave.
Instead of the usual Kraft or Hellman's mayo, we tried Duke's Mayonnaise, which I ordered online. Southerners claim that Duke's is the ONLY acceptable mayo for a BLT, and now I see why. The flavor and texture is as close to homemade as you can get out of a jar.
I've seen recipes for BLTs that incorporate basil leaves instead of lettuce, aioli instead of mayo and fried green tomatoes rather than the fresh red variety. But I say, why mess with perfection. We stick with toasted whole wheat bread, fried bacon, fresh tomatoes, Romaine lettuce and the now essential Duke's mayo.
Southerners often skip the lettuce and the bacon and feast on tomato (or "mater" as they say south of the Mason Dixon) and mayo sandwiches. Budget-conscious (i.e. poor) West Virginians have been known to eliminate the tomatoes and make a meal out of a slice of bread smeared with mayo and a sprinkle of Cayenne pepper.
What does any of this have to do with cancer? Not a darn thing, my friends, not a darn thing.
I'd love to hear your comments about:
- Do you have a variation on the BLT theme?
- How do you smear your mayo on a BLT? Cindy insists upon spreading both slices of toast with mayo, and that's just the way I do it too.
- Have you ever tried Duke's mayo?
Last night, I made the first BLTs of the season with the juicy, ripe tomatoes from our back yard. Between the smoky scent of the bacon sizzling in the cast-iron skillet and the sweet fragrance of the sliced tomatoes, I was in sensory heaven while preparing this summer-time fave.
Instead of the usual Kraft or Hellman's mayo, we tried Duke's Mayonnaise, which I ordered online. Southerners claim that Duke's is the ONLY acceptable mayo for a BLT, and now I see why. The flavor and texture is as close to homemade as you can get out of a jar.
I've seen recipes for BLTs that incorporate basil leaves instead of lettuce, aioli instead of mayo and fried green tomatoes rather than the fresh red variety. But I say, why mess with perfection. We stick with toasted whole wheat bread, fried bacon, fresh tomatoes, Romaine lettuce and the now essential Duke's mayo.
Southerners often skip the lettuce and the bacon and feast on tomato (or "mater" as they say south of the Mason Dixon) and mayo sandwiches. Budget-conscious (i.e. poor) West Virginians have been known to eliminate the tomatoes and make a meal out of a slice of bread smeared with mayo and a sprinkle of Cayenne pepper.
What does any of this have to do with cancer? Not a darn thing, my friends, not a darn thing.
I'd love to hear your comments about:
- Do you have a variation on the BLT theme?
- How do you smear your mayo on a BLT? Cindy insists upon spreading both slices of toast with mayo, and that's just the way I do it too.
- Have you ever tried Duke's mayo?
A Negative is a Positive
My liver ultrasound came back negative, which is good! Clean liver is a good liver. And my chest xray was also negative! Woo-hoo! I didn't find out about the mammogram on the good boob yet, but perhaps tomorrow when I go in for another core biopsy on the cancer before the trial starts.
I think I can rest easy tonight.
I think I can rest easy tonight.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Quaver
I woke up today without a quaver in my voice or in my chest. Yesterday and Monday I could feel the quaver, the tears, as a liquid entity, filling ligaments or pipelines, or something, across my chest. Like they were there, an unending supply, and it wouldn't do any good to cry them out because there would be more. Yesterday I could talk but if it was about anything remotely personal (how do I feel, what am I thinking) I was weepy weepy weepy, weeping. My friend S, who was visiting from San Francisco, said just to cry, but see above. We went to Thousand Waves yesterday to get massages. Mine was free as part of the spa's lovely Stress Management Program for women with cancer. She paid retail for hers, and she paid for my massage therapist's tip, as well. We were going to go to Gilda's Club next for a new member orientation, but I felt I couldn't deal with it. Meaning I couldn't imagine sitting around and talking to people. I called to cancel. When I'd called to enroll earlier in the day, the intake person asked why I was interested, and I said I was desperate. When I canceled I was still desperate, even more so.
We went to Dairy Queen then came home and watched Breakfast at Tiffany's, which was very different from the way both of us had remembered it. I'd remembered it as some sort of Barefoot in the Park, with Holly Golightly appealing to some stodgy guy to eat breakfast among the diamonds with her. I'd also been under the influence of the purity of the character she played in Roman Holiday, which we'd watched the night before. In Tiffany, she's a Southern girl who reinvented herself (with help) in Manhattan. She's less waif and more gold-digger. Mickey Rooney is cast, disturbingly, as a Gnashing Oriental neighbor. The role is stereotypical and crass.
When L came home we made a tray of whole grain bread, cheese, fruit, hummus and olive tapenade and watched But I'm a Cheerleader, a very light movie about a high school cheerleader who's not hetero enough for her Christian parents and her friends, so is sent away to rehab for straightening. Of course she emerges with a lover. Happily, parents accept her back. I was in the mood for light movies.
Still I was weepy. My sister called during one of the movies and I told her how weepy I was and she said I had been so strong before. Everyone has the impression that I've been Strong and Courageous. But I don't know what means. I just hadn't been weepy much before.
Audrey Hepburn was English-Dutch, born in Brussels. Her English father walked out on the family. Both parents were Nazi sympathizers, but after her mother moved the family (unclear if there were other children and I don't want to take the time to check) to the Netherlands, and saw her native land invaded, the mother soon supported the resistance. According to some accounts, Hepburn saw the execution of her uncle for his resistance work, and saw Jews executed in the street. She studied ballet and performed in concerts to raise money for the resistance, and was also a courier. During the famine toward the end of the war, she suffered with the rest of the population, subsisting on tulip bulbs and grasses. This may have affected her metabolism.
Except when she was pregnant, she kept herself down to 103 pounds. She was five-foot-seven. In 1987 she became the UNICEF goodwill ambassador, and died in 1993 at age 63 of colon cancer, by some accounts, but it may have been cancer of the appendix.
She was beginning her career when Colette spotted her in a hotel lobby and immediated cast her in the title role of Gigi in the Broadway production. (This is how such things are presented, as happening in a flash.) Hepburn was later, allegedly, offered the title role in the Diary of Anne Frank, but refused because she was afraid it would stir up too much internal trauma.
We went to Dairy Queen then came home and watched Breakfast at Tiffany's, which was very different from the way both of us had remembered it. I'd remembered it as some sort of Barefoot in the Park, with Holly Golightly appealing to some stodgy guy to eat breakfast among the diamonds with her. I'd also been under the influence of the purity of the character she played in Roman Holiday, which we'd watched the night before. In Tiffany, she's a Southern girl who reinvented herself (with help) in Manhattan. She's less waif and more gold-digger. Mickey Rooney is cast, disturbingly, as a Gnashing Oriental neighbor. The role is stereotypical and crass.
When L came home we made a tray of whole grain bread, cheese, fruit, hummus and olive tapenade and watched But I'm a Cheerleader, a very light movie about a high school cheerleader who's not hetero enough for her Christian parents and her friends, so is sent away to rehab for straightening. Of course she emerges with a lover. Happily, parents accept her back. I was in the mood for light movies.
Still I was weepy. My sister called during one of the movies and I told her how weepy I was and she said I had been so strong before. Everyone has the impression that I've been Strong and Courageous. But I don't know what means. I just hadn't been weepy much before.
Audrey Hepburn was English-Dutch, born in Brussels. Her English father walked out on the family. Both parents were Nazi sympathizers, but after her mother moved the family (unclear if there were other children and I don't want to take the time to check) to the Netherlands, and saw her native land invaded, the mother soon supported the resistance. According to some accounts, Hepburn saw the execution of her uncle for his resistance work, and saw Jews executed in the street. She studied ballet and performed in concerts to raise money for the resistance, and was also a courier. During the famine toward the end of the war, she suffered with the rest of the population, subsisting on tulip bulbs and grasses. This may have affected her metabolism.
Except when she was pregnant, she kept herself down to 103 pounds. She was five-foot-seven. In 1987 she became the UNICEF goodwill ambassador, and died in 1993 at age 63 of colon cancer, by some accounts, but it may have been cancer of the appendix.
She was beginning her career when Colette spotted her in a hotel lobby and immediated cast her in the title role of Gigi in the Broadway production. (This is how such things are presented, as happening in a flash.) Hepburn was later, allegedly, offered the title role in the Diary of Anne Frank, but refused because she was afraid it would stir up too much internal trauma.
Brandy's Babes!
In case you didn't see the link on the righthand side, or read about the amazing Victoria Namkung putting together a team for the OC Race for the Cure called "Brandy's Babes," I'm flat out doing semi-self-promotion for it now, in a separate blog post. The race is a fundraiser for the Susan Komen organization, which is an amazing organization for breast cancer awareness, resources, education, and research. It's a 5K which the team is planning on walking, so if you are in the Socal area, sign up to be part of the team! If you're not in the area, you can still help by making donations--no donation is too small--on the website! If you can't make a donation, your thoughts are appreciated too!
Love,
Brandy
Love,
Brandy
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